Not Sure If I Am Ready?

[chrissy777]

Hello everyone,

It has been quite a while since I have posted. I think I was trying to forget, which I do realize is not good to do. About a month ago I started dating a man whom I meet through a friend at work. He is a nice guy, but I cant stop comparing everything he does to my Jason. In alot of ways it really upsets me and I am just left disappointed. I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem. Maybe Im not ready to date again.. I thought I was, but I just end up upset when I realize what I am missing and cannot have with my Jason anymore. The year anniversary of his death is also quickly approaching and I would like to say I am doing ok, but I am so afraid of the future... I hope everyone is as well as could be expected.. Take care everyone.

[Steven]

Hi Chrissy,

You're approaching the one-year anniversary of Jason's death, so it hasn't been a terribly long time for you to recover, and possibly the most consequential date in your young life is around the corner. It is no surprise that you would have issues with dating after your husband's death, and with these two components occurring simultaneously, I would think it practically impossible to avoid having any number of thoughts that might upset you. You've mentioned that you were trying to forget, then further along in your post you mention the possibility that you're not ready to date again, then, not that you are doing ok, but instead "I would like to say I am doing ok." I might be parsing your words too carefully, but I'm tempted to think that you have answered your own question in your posting. In my far from expert opinion, you sound as if you may need to give yourself a bit more time to heal and to deal with the death of your Jason.

I have no experience dating following the death of my wife, and truthfully have not entertained the thought at all, so you might easily take my writing with a grain of salt. Here's what it looks like from my unenlightened view: You are very young to have experienced the death of your spouse. You may have many friends of similar age who are living their lives, going out, getting families started, and doing all the things people at the start of their adult lives do. With all this activity surrounding, it may be tough to not jump into situations you may be intellectually ready for, but not perhaps not emotionally prepared for at all. Be sure to pay attention to both heart and mind at this critical time for you.

If there's a Young Widows and Widowers grief support group in your area, maybe that would help you deal, or if you've already attended it might help to go again. If you discuss this with friends and family, I wouldn't be surprised at all if you have a chorus of people telling you that you haven't waited long enough. It seems from your writing that you already have the idea percolating that you need more time, but in my opinion you are the one best able to decide such a thing.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, Chrissy, but I wanted to let you know that we're out here and care how things go for you.

Steve

[kellymarie]

Hi Chrissy, I dated someone from about 7 months after Josh died to about 10 months. Yes, I definitely compared him to Josh. I think it's inevitable. It made me realize how much capacity Josh had to love and how much this new guy didn't! Things ended nicely between us (this poor guy's mom, dad, and great aunt died while we were dating). Even though I compared him to Josh and it didn't work out, looking back on it now from 15 months since Josh died, I am so very grateful to have had the experience. The way I saw it was I had to have "the first guy I dated after Josh died" at some point in my life. And, for me, I think the longer I prolonged it, the more issues I'd have with it. Also I think it helped me in my grief in that I no longer had every waking moment about Josh and made room for new thoughts to come it. Also since I helped him in his grief process, I could stop thinking about my grief for a change. Which was much needed! Not sure if that helps at all but that's my story! Keep hanging in there. I was a wreck the whole month before the one year anniversary. Sorry you're going through this rough journey. Hugs, Kelly

[DoubleJo]

Same feelings. Being with my new guy is a constant reminder I'm not with my second dead husband Curt. But I went through that also with the death of my first husband and Curt was the recepient, so I'm not surprised. After all, I remarried to a really wonderful guy. I remind myself of that and also that my previous husbands were not perfect. They had their own issues. They changed for the better over time.

Your feelings are natural. Go easy on yourself. Our minds are trying to sort out the changes. Its' very confusing as to whos' who and doing what. Enjoy what you can and try not to shut out life. It passes fast enough.

my very best- doublejo

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I can only say, Listen to your heart. If it's right, you'll know. Don't necessarily expect the first one to be it. Most of us dated several before we found our husband, although some have been fortunate enough to have found their mate to be when they were just teenagers. It is unavoidable that you will sometimes compare...not that you consciously mean to but rather that the loss of what you had will slap you in the face commanding your attention at times...but it is important when you are ready to see another that you make a concerted effort to not expect him to be like your Jason...there is only one of him and you will always feel that loss to some extent. However, it is possible that someday you will find someone altogether new that will bring special qualities into your life that you have never had before, so you learn to appreciate those rather than focusing on your losses. I hope this helps. Maybe concentrate on friendships for now and if it develops into more, you will know it. Try not to feel a time pressure to be doing what most people your age are doing, you have had a detour that they have not incurred, and your life experience will be more developed as a result, even if you might be behind in other ways in your estimation. Take your time, all will happen in due time. We love you Chrissy.