People Are So Blind!

[Stallyn]

Well I want to "vent"

I it seems almost every time I come across someone I know they expect me to be cheerful, social-able, active in social events and whatnot, what bewilders me that they refuse to respect my life and dictate how I need to "live". I am so tired of it, do I need to completely break ties with these people??? I have few friends as it stands but its dragging me down My love for my wife was everything to me, nearly six months later I feel little progress has been made, of course I have been in solitude and isolation, but I think that is what I need to cope, I don't desire to go to church or anywheres where my vulnerability will be exposed.

[DoubleJo]

Stallyn; Truly people can be foolish with what they say. The cannot conceive

of the huge grief you have. A close personal death, especially with one you've partnered with is a terribly strange feeling to deal with. I think a lot of people just are so involved with their own worlds and their little stresses that they dismiss it like it was an inconvenience to be gotten over. Sometimes its' better to stay away from these people for awhile, they rouse up anger to add to everything else.

It takes a long time to walk through all the chaos in your life, all the million little things that changed and need to be made sense of. I lost 2 husbands, 2 inlaws and both parents in the space of 4 years.

I tell you this because the pain of intense grief can change if you slowly and carefully walk through it. It can change to an intense sadness, then a dull ache. Later a smile can cross your lips as you think of her. How wonderful you had her in your life ! It is very hard and only you know how much of it all you can take at a time.

There is an old European saying: If you listen to the people you will hunt with a fishing rod and shoot the fish.

You know what you're dealing with. You need to be alone at times to absorb what has happened. Your place in your world has changed. You may find you need different people in that world, but for now you need to find yourself. And you will. Six months is a very short time when compared to the intensity and time you had with your precious one.

I wish you the best. Doublejo

[Stallyn]

Thanks for the encouragement, I yet cant deal with people in a large scale yet, I find little of anything that really keeps me level though having a friend that went through the same thing helps me alot, hes much older than myself but the same thing all around. I ache more than I can smile, losing a love is more terrible than I ever thought possible. please keep me in your prayers, I delved deep into a depression and suicide and one day I "think" I may do it without Gods intervention. I think what I am doing with my interaction is right, thats good to think that it is OK..

Truly,

William

[DoubleJo]

Stallyn: You were meant to be with your wife and now you are meant for many more things. As you know, what you feel at one moment is not what you can feel the next.

I was told when I was younger that if you kill yourself, it's over, totally. If you stay alive you have the chance to see things change. You know what? Its' true. There is a good chance you will feel better much later and you will think, "boy, I might not be here right now. Look at what I would be missing." Didn't you feel better when you met your wife?

I met another wonderful man, great in his own way, and had 4 wonderful years with him. Who knows what the future brings? I think what you really want is for the pain to stop. The unknown is scary. When we think ahead we scare ourselves with what ifs?.

Today is the tomorrow you were scared of.

You can be anguished and depressed. Why shouldn't you be? You have this terrible thing to come to terms with. Its' okay to feel crappy. It doesn't have to lead to anything more than that. Let yourself be. This is a confusing time. Try to remember that when you feel overwhelmed.

Hang in there.

Doublejo

[Stallyn]

Doublejo,

I didn't think I was meant for 8 years only, that what tears me up, we met online, thousands miles away, and she was everything I wanted, it wasn't perfect but it was a healthy marriage, and now as when she passed, I just can't seem to get a grip on myself, I want to give up everything to be with her again, though it isn't possible, I tried to cheat fate many times in my life coping with chronic depression, but this seems a different beast I can't control or tame. Yes I do want the pain to go away, I never anticipated that it's something so traumatic and enduring 5 months later, you have lifted me up and I am grateful that it makes it somewhat easier today.

William

[DoubleJo]

Stallyn:

Grief is different from depression. With depression you don't care. With grief you care oh so much. Depression can be an empty black hole. Grief is a hole that wants to be filled. Maybe it is better to know that you can feel, rather than the horrible emptiness of hopelessness.

Seeing how your hopes came true before is proof that happiness can be found, even with all their natural faults. You know what happiness feels like and that is something you can make your goal to have again because now you know it is out there. Personally I think finding a relationship online that lasted that long is quite an achievment. Many people keep searching and find friends and/or strange people. You may be luckier/more blessed than you think. You may meet someone who is more compatible or that you care for in her special way.

Don't expect too much from yourself. It may be preventing you from seeing all the changes you have already made. They may seem like small changes to you, but hey! they ARE changes. Each change contributes to another and another.

With the choice of dreading the coming day, try instead to welcome it as another opportunity. Doublejo

[kayc]

Doublejo is so wise, but then she's been through a lot and that has been the impetus by which she's learned. Stallyn, I reiterate to you what she has said, that depression is not caring but grief is caring very much. Please give yourself time, it evolves into something much more manageable. The other thing she said that was very important is that feelings change...feelings were never meant to be a barometer of anything, but rather they call our attention to something that may need acknowledged or changed. Think of feelings as an alert rather than a barometer. You want out of the pain and that is very understandable...especially when the intensity is so great that it feels we can't do it...but stick around and see the change. Little by little the intensity of pain will soften into something else, eventually you will remember your wife, not so much with pain and sadness, but with a smile and a comfort, for she will live inside of you and give you strength. I know because I've seen that evolution with my relationship/grief with George. Tell yourself every day that it won't be like this forever...and it won't.

[Stallyn]

Doublejo, Kayc, you have a point that reminds me that I am least progressing, I been fighting depression and grief simultaneously, sure does not seem I got very far, but you know better, I am trying to lay down my pride and release what ever comes at me, I don't feel ready to go to a new level yet, whence I don't know what the sign is when it is so. So many things pass my mind what to do next, meet people, do things. I have to ask, when do you feel the time is right to make drastic changes?

Bless you my friends,

William

[DoubleJo]

Stallyn: You found the stage your in. Your mind is whirling with thoughts all over the place. That happened to most of us. It is very hard to make sense of all the strangeness, our place now and the tomorrows that we thought were settled. Because everything is unsettled now, your mind is looking for something to settle upon. My advice can only be this: Put aside what you do not have to think about. Unclutter your mind from as much as you can. Put aside a time when you can think about only certain things, then let them go for awhile. You don't have to have answers to everything all at once. Time will bring you answers as you get more information naturally. Don't fight with yourself. In other words. "go with the flow." Unclog yourself of unneeded thoughts before you get yourself into the stressful habit of overthinking.

The signs you seek will be that one day something just becomes less important, something doesn't need to be saved, something just doesn't bother you anymore. You won't even notice these things until one day you realize

your feelings have changed. They will be so natural that they will float into your daily being. If you have to push for answers than you're trying to force something to happen. Something natural by its' definition cannot be forced. Try to just accept that you have a lot of pain and that is natural.

Let go of the depression. Why keep it?. You found out you can be happier. Grief means you are alive and have experienced a special thing.

It means you can feel life with its' ups and downs. You were living a life before you met your wife. YOU made it better by reaching out and finding her.

YOU can make it better again. Why not? What will stop you? No one is holding a fence preventing you from achieving what you need and want.

Why do think drastic changes need to be made? Wouldn't you rather have the right changes made instead?

Slow down. There is no race to be won. When you race against yourself how can you determine the winner?

You'll do it. You'll find yourself. Doublejo

[kayc]

Stallyn,

I think Doublejo's right, you don't need drastic changes so much as a slow acceptance. When you can come home and find it good and live at peace with yourself, when you make friends with yourself, when you find yourself good company, when you can do positive things for yourself and not be anxious, then you will know that things have gotten better, and it will get there, a little at a time. Throw away the comparisons of "what was"...that will never be again and it is a lost cause to go there. Let go of "what was" and look at what "is" and see what "can be". This does not happen overnight...I think sometimes we are afraid of the grief, we fight it, we don't want to feel the pain, the missing them, the loss, but we HAVE to, it's something we have to go through. But just as we have to go through that, we also need to go through the rest of it, the acceptance, the rebuilding our lives into something we can live with and enjoy. It takes so much time and so much work, but we mustn't let it daunt us but rather keep plugging ahead. We will have two steps forward, one step back. We will have total meltdown days. But those don't mark our entire existence now, they are only a PART of it...we also have days where we smile, where the sunshine feels good, where we're proud of ourselves. Yes, you are making progress, we all are, it's just hard for us to ascertain it and measure it. You'll make it.

[Stallyn]

Thats a mistake I took months ago ridding myself and making rash decisions, about things and issues, you both are right, I have to let this evolve into something yet known to me, only if I can experience real joy for more than a moment. Yes I have been thinking about the past, and trying to relive it to some extent but I feel 8 years of love was thrown out the window for good. Now is an enigma to yet piece the puzzle again alone...I believe and know I have to go through this, how I don't know for sure..

William

[DoubleJo]

It feels frustrating when you think you've finally got yourself settled only to see all the work and time put into it disappear.

Then again it goes to show that the saying, "the only thing that doesn't change is change". is pretty true, so I personally choose to see it as an opportunity to choose what I need /want and try to enjoy the journey of getting it. I look at it as an adventure. Everything seems bleak and worthless only if you take everything very very seriously. Lifes' problems can seem also stupid, dumb, and funny if you step back and look at things from a distance. We can get so bogged down looking at all the trees not only can't we see the forest, but we wind up stepping on the roots and killing some in the process.

Pull out if you can. Step back. There is a very busy world still going on around you and you can put yourself anywhere in that world . You can make the world bigger than your grief.

Take care- Double.

[Stallyn]

You are indeed so right, I been planting seeds in life of hopes that good will come eventually, I am stubborn and self reliant, not something to change anytime soon, keeps me isolated. The life now is different but "normal" it seems.