I Miss My Grandma...

[angel_101_]

Hey everyone! Im new here. I am so confused. I am going through tons of grieving and tons of stress I just lost my grandma August 6,2007. She was an alcholic and she had alot of problems with her body. All I can think about is her. I mean its so hard for me. I lost the only one I could really talk to about anything. Even though she drank she was almost like my mom. I would call her mommy all the time. It was hard to sit and watch her drink as I was growing up. She would make threats to me that would scare me like "Im gonna take you to the desert and kill you." I knew it was just the alchol talking but I was only 8 and if you can imagine I was scared. When she went into hospice I thought maybe shed be in and out of there like she usually is. Everyone would say she'd die tomarrow or something. She went into an achoma and that was hard for me. I missed her hugs and her telling me she loved me and to lay in the bed with her. We would tell her to shake her head or blink her eyes once or twice when we asked her a question. So 3 nights before she passed away it was the weekend that I had to go visit my dad. I asked her to blink once if she didnt want me to go and she did. I felt bad but I was there for 3 whole weeks and I needed to get away from it all so I asked her if it was okay if I went and she blinked her eyes for yes. Sunday when I came back I begged my mom to take me to see her right away. As she took me I sat and watched my grandma just lay there in the bed. I started to cry because something told me she was gonna pass away that night. Mom said it was time to go so I kissed her and said please don't forget me and please still love me forever. When I left mom told me if she dies tonight that I wont be able to go to see her because I had school. So I went to bed and mom woke me up and told me grandma died at 2:30am At this point I pretended it didnt hurt. I didnt want to cry infront of mom. It was hard. I waited til I was alone. I cried harder than Ive ever cried. I miss her. I blame myself sometimes for her dying. As if I could have stopped her. Would it have made a difference? Should I blame myself? I held grudges against her for so long for everything she put our family through. I regret that. Does it all make me selfish? Does wanting her back with me in my life selfish? I need help. Please...

[LoriS.]

Dear Angel, I am so sorry about your Grandmother. You must be a pretty strong person to have put up with some of the things that you say has happened to you and your family. My kids were very close with my mom, their grandmother, who passed away last October. It's very sad, but you sound strong. You have to go through some terrible hurting in the beginning, than things will ease up...I promise.

Good luck to you...

Take care...Lori

[DawnG]

Hi Angel,

Sorry to hear of your grandmothers passing, grand parents always have a special place in our hearts. My grandfather past away about 14 years ago and my grandmother is in an alziemers home. It's hard when you lose the person you looked to the most. Even though you had hard times she still was your grandma, and you know what? She always will be, she'll be around you guidiing your through life. Think happy thoughts and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. It's hard but it does get easier so "they" say.

Keep your chin up

Dawn

[attachmentid=160] my grandmother

[shell]

Angel,

I'm so sorry about your loss. Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself. Nothing you could have done would have changed things and she was lucky to have your love. And any "bad" thoughts you had about her in your lifetime are nothing to be ashamed about. That's just life, we get angry at people we love, but it doesn't mean we don't really love them. Actually, when you love someone in spite of their faults, that's true love. So the fact that you loved her, even though she said some terrible things to you, shows how much you did love her and I know she knew that too. You seem like an amazing girl and things will get less painful in time, honestly. Hang in there.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Poco]

Dear Angel,

Always hold your grandmother's memory close to your heart. Those cherished memories are yours to treasure forever. The bad memories will fade away. My grandchildren just lost their Grammy. They wrote letters to her telling her about the legacy she left them and then how they hoped to pass it forward.

Hugging your heart,

Poco

[angel_101_]

Dear everyone who replied,

Thanks for advice. I really am doing the best I can with all of this. Its so hard to deal with sometimes. Im losing so many friends along the way. I keep getting into arguements with one of em for something stupid that hes making a big deal out of. Its so stressful because ever since she died its like I have become a whole new person. I speak my mind a whole lot more. For some reason I threw this tantrum because my step dad snatched my computer when I was still using it. It made me really mad I guess, that I just couldnt help it and started crying. I don't know whats wrong with me. I wish I could just go back to being myself again. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but even when I try I cant because I get these dreams about my grandma that wont go away. And because of these dreams I have I am almost scared of everything around me. Im scared to go into the car because I had a dream my mom my grandma and I got into a really bad accident and so Im scared it will happen. Im scared to be around some of my family because I had dreams of them killing my mom my grandma and of course me. All my dreams lead to us dying. I mean..why? Sometimes I feel like my grandma is trying to tell me something through my dreams but other times I think im just losing it. When I was younger I used to wonder about how things would be like when she passed away and now that I know I dont want too. tear...

[shell]

Angel,

What is "wrong" with you is that you are grieveing and that is perfectly normal! And you have people around that aren't helping you. The fears you are having may be anxiety, so you might want to talk to a doctor about all of this. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I think when someone we love that much dies, we do become a new person. I know I feel that way, I'm different in so many ways. And friends do fall by the wayside, I'm afraid. But sometimes this life changing experience can make your life better, in the sense that you find out all sorts of things about yourself that you never knew. I have learned I'm stronger than I thought, for instance. And the friends you lose are probably not really friends and that's good to know. Hard to take, but good to know. Maybe it's time for new friends that will make your life better. Anyway, hang in there and talk to a doctor about your situation. Or go to a grief group, if you can find one, or a grief counselor. Find any kind of help you can and take care of yourself and let others go their own way. You need to concentrate on yourself right now and if anyone thinks that's selfish, they can jump in the lake! They just either haven't been through it and have no clue what you're going through, or they just aren't as emotionally deep as you are.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

I agree with Shell (hey Shell)

I lost my mom in June- and I am not the same person I was when she was living. Your priorities change...... I want to be more to myself.

I have withdrawn- I am not active like I once was. But, I have a friend that say's that is O.K. and for now it has to be. No one know's my feelings.. I want to be alone and soul search.

I think you just get use to it- I don't know that there is such a thing as "getting over it"--- when I want to cry I cry.... I don't laugh much, I don't feel like laughing. There will be better days.... someday-

[shell]

Hi Rosanne,

You brought up an important subject...soul searching. After my dad died, I went through a long period of incredible soul searching. We cleaned out a storage unit we have about a year after he died and I found all kinds of stuff from my younger years. Boy, did that bring back some memories! That only made my soul searching go deeper and I can honestly say that, although it was sometimes painful and sometimes bittersweet, it was a wonderful and very productive journey. It taught me more about myself than I ever knew, because I had never looked that close before. So, grief can bring about some positive aspects to your life if you're willing to face your emotions head on and dig deep down. So, yes, wanting to be alone can be ok. It gives us time to reflect and think and get in touch with ourselves. I'm glad you brought this up, Rosanne.

Hugs,

Shell