Delayed Reaction

[smhenglish]

Last Friday marked one month since Eric passed away. For those of you who are new, Eric passed after a relatively short battle with lung cancer. He was only 41.

For the past month, I've been in in the denial stage. I was there when Eric took his last breath. I was there when he spoke his last words, "I love you, Sarah." It all seemed like a really bad dream. I have been able to say the words that he's gone, but the grieving hadn't begun. It still just seemed like he was on a trip. I washed his clothes and hung them up in the closet. I haven't moved his toothbrush. I haven't changed his pillowcase because I'll lose his scent.

A week ago, the anger began. A few days later, depression set in. I finally understand what you all mean by the unbearable pain. I've been clinically depressed my entire adult life, and have been on anti-depressants for the past 12 years. My doctor asked if I needed to increase my medications. I told him that I'll stay with my current dosage because the depression part is still manageable. But the pain in my heart, in my soul, in my gut, is absolutely unbearable. How can I live with this for years like some of you have? I don't want this. I want to go back to denial. I want to go back to anger.

I have no patience for my children, which is so horrible because patience is exactly what is necessary for Hunter (age 9) who has autism. Sallianne (age 7) was Daddy's girl, so her feelings of neglect are only compounded by the fact that I just want to sit in my room and cry. I have signed her up for Big Brothers / Big Sisters in the hopes that she will get the attention she so needs. Gloriana (age 16) has wrapped herself in her teenage world. She tries to help me with the kids, but she suffers from severe lack of motivation mostly because of her age.

Little things keep popping up, and my first thought is that Eric would love this. Eric was very much into pop culture. When Pavarotti died, Eric would probably woken me up with the news. This morning when I read the article about Tommy Lee's and Kid Rock's fight at athe MTV awards, I began to email it to Eric... only to remember that he isn't there to receive it. I can't just email it to someone else, because no one else cares about it.

I miss him. This pain is excrutiating. I want him back. I want him to help me raise his children. I want him to walk his daughters down the aisle. I want him to clean up the cat vomit, and squish the bugs for me. I want to hear him yell at Gloriana for being on the phone all night. I want him to hold me and make the pain go away.

[dpodesta]

Sarah,

My heart goes out to you and I completely understand. I was angry and frustrated after Karen died, and Yes I to lost my patience. I used to be a very patient man. I considered myself to have a long fuse. That fuse has since been very short and unfortunately my son who is now 8 got the brunt of it. At least 4 months went by before I could spend any quaility time with my son, I just couldn't do it. I busied myself with working on the house so that I didn't have to feel the excrusiating pain that I was feeling. The pain lessens over time. It has been 17 months now for me, and yes there are times that I hurt, in fact I just went through a little of that just this morning. The pain however is not as unbearable as it used to be. Give yourself time. It sounds like you are doing the right things trying to make sure your kids are taken care of. Prayer helped me the most once I was able to pray again. I can remember it was so hard and finally when I had eneough I was craweld up like a ball in my room and all I could say was "God help me". Now I look back and he has been helping me all along. Just know that we are here for you and will help you as much as we can.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Sarah,

Send him the email anyway. I started a journal when George died entitled "letters to George" and it's on my computer. I dated each entry and every time I wanted to say something to him, pour my heart out, get made, cry, or just tell him how much I missed him and love him or just share my day with him, I would go to that file and open it up and begin to type.

Another thing I did (because I am creative and visual, it helped me) was create different collages. I made one that stated how I felt then, it was in ugly blacks, greys, browns and stated my feelings (despair, lonely, excruciating pain, etc.) It looked shattered and had a broken heart on it. Then I did a collage that depicted what I WANTED to feel. On it was a sunny happy looking day with blue sky and a rainbow. On it I listed things I wanted to feel like happy and whole and confident, etc. It really helped me define where I was and where I wanted to go, it also was a good expression of what was in my heart. It's not so important how these collages LOOK as it is that they EXPRESS us. They are not for anyone else's benefit but for our own. Little by little, along the way in my grief journey I have tried to keep in mind where I am going and tried to let my decisions and actions reflect those goals.

I have seen a rubber stamp (I do stamping) that says "Art is the expression of one's soul" and sometimes I think for myself that is the case. Art has been therapy for me, and I still spend hours, night after night, creating. For some people, like Dusky (John), it is writing. It's important that you find your own outlet. For some people it might be exercise or sports. Spending time in nature is also another way I have of restoring peace within my soul or feeing my inner self. Perhaps you have never explored ways of expressing yourself or feeding your soul, if so, it might be an adventure you will embark upon and discover in the next couple of years. Keep yourself open to finding what is good and what is positive for you. Some people (myself included) have found much comfort and purpose in taking care of animals. Others have mentioned finding purpose in volunteer work or helping others.

As for the other things, you will learn to squash bugs and discipline your daughter yourself...it may not happen at once, but little by little, you will develop within yourself what you need to take care of the everyday needs and survive. Meanwhile, do talk to your husband and voice yourself here...no one will think you're crazy, we've been there and we understand.

[Lyn1]

Sarah,

I know exactly how you feel! It has been nearly a month since my wife Millie died, and I appreciate hearing from the group; but when I read some of the comments from those who are 18 or 26 months out, I think that I will not make it.

Lyn

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

Just remember that each person goes through this at different paces. Some of us are doing pretty good at 17 months others are still having a difficult time. Just take it one day at a time and try not to look ahead. I did that for my first couple of months and it drove me crazy. When I stopped trying to look ahead concentrated on just the day at hand, the future worked itself out. Ask God for help and keep coming here and you will make it.

Love always

Derek

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi,my heart goes out to you and I am truly sorry for your loss. I too am going on my 22 day without my beloved Dan. He too was only 41 and died of cancer. We also have 3 children together, but ours are 19,18 and 16. Our 19 year old suffers from asphbergers(don't know if this is the correct spelling,but it is a higher form of autism) I was there when my husband took his last breathe. He did not say anything to anyone when he passed. I wanted him to. I feel anger, saddness all the time. I feel my whole body hurt inside, a pain that I have never felt in my life and I continue to keep feeling. I understand what you are going through. I want to be with my Dan, but I know it is not God's plan, and I rejoice and look forward to the day that it is.Till we meet again my precious Dan, I will love him forever. Dan is with me everyday in my soul, I feel him alot carry me through the day!!!!!!!!!!!! Please know, as I may be new to this site and in grieving, we all are feeling the same way hurt, and great saddness for our loved one. Dan and I have been together for 24 years and married for 20. He is and was my eternal soul and that will never change. Love, Kim

[kayc]

Lyn,

We are in differing stages of grief and some of us have been at this longer but we have been where you are. Remember that everything is in stages and all you need to concern yourself with really is the step in front of you, as Derek said, One Day at a Time. You will make it the same as the rest of us have, one day at a time.

[teny]

Lung cancer killed my husband Yiany but we only had 10 days since the cancer started and he died without goodby or I love you.I understand the unbearable pain you feel the I MISS HIM and the depression.For me it is 10 months and Im angry and jelouse of peoples regular lifes.I cant be of any help cause Im new in the journey .I hope for you and all of friends that sufferthe same pain to find some confort. TENY