smhenglish Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 Last Friday marked one month since Eric passed away. For those of you who are new, Eric passed after a relatively short battle with lung cancer. He was only 41.For the past month, I've been in in the denial stage. I was there when Eric took his last breath. I was there when he spoke his last words, "I love you, Sarah." It all seemed like a really bad dream. I have been able to say the words that he's gone, but the grieving hadn't begun. It still just seemed like he was on a trip. I washed his clothes and hung them up in the closet. I haven't moved his toothbrush. I haven't changed his pillowcase because I'll lose his scent.A week ago, the anger began. A few days later, depression set in. I finally understand what you all mean by the unbearable pain. I've been clinically depressed my entire adult life, and have been on anti-depressants for the past 12 years. My doctor asked if I needed to increase my medications. I told him that I'll stay with my current dosage because the depression part is still manageable. But the pain in my heart, in my soul, in my gut, is absolutely unbearable. How can I live with this for years like some of you have? I don't want this. I want to go back to denial. I want to go back to anger.I have no patience for my children, which is so horrible because patience is exactly what is necessary for Hunter (age 9) who has autism. Sallianne (age 7) was Daddy's girl, so her feelings of neglect are only compounded by the fact that I just want to sit in my room and cry. I have signed her up for Big Brothers / Big Sisters in the hopes that she will get the attention she so needs. Gloriana (age 16) has wrapped herself in her teenage world. She tries to help me with the kids, but she suffers from severe lack of motivation mostly because of her age.Little things keep popping up, and my first thought is that Eric would love this. Eric was very much into pop culture. When Pavarotti died, Eric would probably woken me up with the news. This morning when I read the article about Tommy Lee's and Kid Rock's fight at athe MTV awards, I began to email it to Eric... only to remember that he isn't there to receive it. I can't just email it to someone else, because no one else cares about it.I miss him. This pain is excrutiating. I want him back. I want him to help me raise his children. I want him to walk his daughters down the aisle. I want him to clean up the cat vomit, and squish the bugs for me. I want to hear him yell at Gloriana for being on the phone all night. I want him to hold me and make the pain go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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