kellymarie Posted October 5, 2007 Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 Hi all! I haven't been around for months... I've started a new relationship with someone absolutely wonderful. I still think about Josh, talk about him, talk to his mom every couple of weeks (instead of every couple of days) but not anywhere as much as I used to. Tomorrow will be 1 year and 6 months. I've definitely "come to terms" with it all; I have a special place in my heart for Josh but now I have a new love to fill my heart. Never really thought that would happen again; I do feel absolutely blessed and can't believe it at times!But here's where the feeling crazy part comes in... Today when I left work, the radio gave a traffic report: a fatal car accident right exactly where my new love lives. And he lives in an area with not alot of traffic/people so I thought it was so unusual to hear about an accident right there. I tried calling his house phone and cell phone and couldn't reach him; I usually have no problem getting in touch with him. Well, I completely lost it. It was like re-living the first 2 hours after I found out about Josh's accident. The panic and horror and I just couldn't calm myself down. I thought I cannot live through this again; I don't even know how I did it once. The feeling like you're so upset you don't even know what to do with yourself. I even had my friend call the police dept. Well, he called me about 2 hours after my full-fledged panic attack; he was out on his boat with his family without the cellphone. He's wonderful and very understanding and said it's just a part of who I am. But, man, I just wish I didn't feel so crazy. It made me realize if you open yourself up to love again (which is absolutely worth it!!!!!), you open yourself up to potential hurt again. I would never go back, love is amazing but gosh....... Re-living that horror and panic was just that... horror. You just never know when grief will rear it's head up again............... sigh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 5, 2007 Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 Kellymarie,Good to hear from you, it has been awhile and I have missed you. You are exactly right, when you open your heart to love again all of those risks come into play. There will probably always be that part of you that heres of an accident or something of the like and it will bring back those memories. To love someone else again is awesome and well worth it. As I have siad in the past is better tho have loved and lost than to never have loved. I look forward to the day that I might find someone again, it just isn't going to be right now. It has been a year and a half for me as well and I did meet someone, but after seeing her for a couple of months I realized I just wasn't ready yet, I am not finished grieving, I realized during the relationship that I am not ready to open my heart to someone new, my heart still belongs to Karen. I am happy that you have found someone and look forward to any updates as to how things are going. Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellymarie Posted October 5, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 Thanks, Derek. It's nice to come back to friendly "faces," and know someone will understand you when you're feeling crazy. I dated someone for a couple of months last fall, and I wasn't ready then either. But I am really glad I did date him then because I think it helped me be ready for a relationship in the future. It was hard but good to do all those "firsts." Today, however, has been just plan exhausting. Thanks for your reply and it's good to hear from you. Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 5, 2007 Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 I am glad that I dated as well, it taught me some things about myself and I have learned quite a few things from the mistakes that I made, like don't introduce your children too soon, and a few other things. Most of all I think it brought me back into reality, I really got in touch with myself and I learned where I was in my grief journey. Please keep coming back, I am sure there are others that will like to hear from you as well.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted October 5, 2007 Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 Kellymarie,I am so glad that you found someone to love again. When we lose someone it leaves scars that will always be there. The wounds heel but the scars are there and serve as a reminder of our lost loved ones and the love we shared. I know that panic that you felt. John was missing for two months before they found him. Last week I took my daughters to an ice cream social at their school. I stayed outside with my 7 year old while she played and my 8 year old wanted to run around with her friends. I had to let her do it but the whole time I was in a major panic, what would I do if someone took her, I could never go through that again, it was horrible but she was fine and I survived. I ended up with a migraine that night but I did get through it. In order to be happy and experience joy again we do have to leave ourselves open for some pain and for us because we have our scars it can happen over the strangest things. But we do have to remember as Derek said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am sorry you had to experience that horror again, but you did get through it. A part of us will always grieve our lost loved ones but it is good to know that you can find love again if you let yourself. Hugs & prayers,Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2007 Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 Kelly,So good to hear from you! And let me offer my congratulations on your newfound relationship.Even when we seem to be making strides in moving forward in our lives and accepting this tragedy that has befallen us, yes we still have to deal with grief. Grief, while it knows a beginning, I'm not so sure it knows an ending. It does, however, evolve and change form. For us, the aftermath of having gone through something of this magnitude in our lives has forever altered us and our perceptions and responses. It is like that for me too. I think about death and the possibility of loss way more than I ever did before. However, the up side is that I also value life and try to live to the fullest, and am more willing to take chances, give of myself, etc., than ever before...I do not want to miss anything there might be and I want to do my best with it. We are not the same as we were "before", nor should we be expected to. You are not crazy, nor are you alone, we are those who have survived and now live in the aftermath...but life need not be entirely over, it is just different.I wish you the best, Kellie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellymarie Posted October 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Corinne and Kay, Thank you for your thoughtful words. At times, I feel like I've come so far from my initial grief, that I don't remember it anymore. But then, out of nowhere, there grief is again. A strange thing that I imagine will continue to change throughout my entire life. Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Hello Kelly,It is good to see u here again. I feel happy for u that you have found a new love. Everytime we open our heart to someone there will always be that risk that we have to take. But dont be afraid to take the risk, we become stronger and wiser by facing our fears.Take care..lyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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