Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?

[MikeyW]

We just put another beloved cat to sleep Monday. Our sweet calico, Pumpkin, was only 4 years young. She did not have a mean bone in her body. She loved us and her 2 adopted kittens (now cats), Randolph and Camille. Pumpkin also had feline leukemia. Again, we are devastated. She had only LOVE in her mind, heart, and soul. I hope Rainbow Bridge is all its cracked up to be, because when we die, we want our babies with us again. Especially sweet Pumpkin, as the hole in our hearts and souls are so huge - again!!!!!

I wrote this article to Reader's Digest for submission a couple of years ago, but it was rejected. What I'd like you, my fellow readers and heartache sufferers to do, if you'd be so kind, is to tell me if you agree with my thoughts or not. Please be honest. Thank you.

IS IT BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST?

In 1850, Alfred Tennyson published his grief filled poetic tribute, In Memoriam, to Arthur Henry Hallam, brilliant son of Henry Hallam, the renowned British historian. Arthur first met Tennyson at Trinity College in Cambridge, England, in 1829, where they became the closest of friends. Hallam, who had written several tragedies, and appeared to be a prodigy in French, Latin, and the Italian languages, became engaged to Tennyson’s sister, Emily, in 1832. Young Hallam had been suffering from circulatory system problems for a number of years. While accompanying his father to Germany, Arthur developed an apparent slight fever, and died unexpectedly on Sept 15, 1833, at the young age of only 22 years. An examination showed Arthur to have frail cerebral vessels and a weak heart. On January 3, 1834, his remains were interred in Somersetshire, England. Upon losing his dear friend, depression followed Tennyson for years afterward.

In Memoriam consists of CXXXI stanzas. Perhaps the most famous of these is verse XXVII:

“I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

‘T is better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.”

I have often wondered, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? My answer is NO! it is not – at least in some circumstances. This may or may not be thought provoking to some. But, as for me, I wish I’d never known Randolph, and especially Muggsy, our young, beloved cats. They both died far too young and the pain of their loss has been much too great. Some people have told us, “Oh, they were only cats.” Maybe I should tell them when their beloved pet goes to the beyond, “Oh, it was only a dog!”

My point is that love is love. Whether directed towards a person or pet, we possess true love for that individual. It may be due to their innocence, cuteness, honesty, vulnerability, extremely young age, or any number of reasons. Like it or not, they have captured our hearts and souls. That’s what Randolph and Muggsy did to us.

Randolph behaved like a dignified gentleman. I loved the way he’d sit outside and mind his own business and just watch the world go by. I picked him up a couple of years earlier at Randolph Air Force Base, Texas. In July of 2000, I was looking for a job at the Air Force Personnel Center when he came out of the bushes and came up to me. He was probably about eight weeks old. A Master Sergeant who was outside smoking a cigarette told me that he didn’t know where the kitten’s mom or family was, and that if I didn’t take him, he’d “probably get smushed by a car.” I took him. My wife, Carolyn, was surprised when I walked into her office with one arm behind my back and said, “I’d like to introduce you to Randolph!” We both fell in love immediately. Princess, our cat of ten years, didn’t because she hated any cat she ever met, but she lost the war. She was a gray tabby and Randolph was a gray korat.

About April of 2003 Carolyn and I came back from a shopping trip. As I went out for the last of our bags, I heard what sounded like a rash of distressing “meows.” Beyond our fence was an overweight calico cat. I coaxed her towards me, and she was so friendly that it didn’t take much prodding for her to come to me. I picked her up and she enjoyed the attention. After bringing her in the house, Carolyn fed her. After asking neighbors if they knew of a missing calico, we kept her when no one had. Carolyn wanted to call her “Molly,” but it was too late. I called her “Muggsy” because I always liked that name, and I did a good imitation of Edward G. Robinson saying that name. I enjoyed that monicker. The name fit her perfectly. I cannot count the number of times Randolph would be eating and Muggsy would come along and invade his meal. Not once did he resent her for doing so. Randolph continued eating after Muggsy had finished. They were a loving, wonderfully married couple.

We first noticed something wrong when we saw Randolph vomit in the backyard around Christmas of 2003. Although we thought it was probably something not major, as cats sometimes throw up due to hairballs, we took him to the veterinarian a few days later. After some testing, we were then given the devastating news that he had feline leukemia. We didn’t know what to think, as we really knew nothing about this terrible disease. Muggsy also tested positive. The vet and I decided not to test Princess, as odds were that she also had it, as they shared food and water bowls. Out of our love and compassion for animals, we left food outside for our cats and others. Some reward for kindness.

I couldn’t decide if Randolph or Muggsy was my favorite cat. Muggsy died May 8th of 2004, followed by Randolph on July 12th. Although I still cry over both of them and think of them daily, Muggsy is number one. Her pure innocence and loving manner have weighed so heavily on me. I used to fling cat treats to her on the kitchen floor and she’d catch and eat them. I thought she could have done a great job in center field for the New York Yankees. I also remember when I was typing on the computer and she’d lay on my lap or sleep on top of the computer desk. That couldn’t be comfortable, so I’d get a soft wash rag, fashion it like a pillow, and put it under her head. When I’d print a page, she’d wake up to inspect the printed page. Another memory I have is of her happily playing with a ball or pencil. I loved laughing at her wonderful antics. So innocent, loving, and full of life. When we took her to the vet to put her to sleep, we were crying and kissing her so much that even he had tears in his eyes. Such a sweet, innocent, loving soul. Yes, I’m crying as I write these words for my sweet baby girl. I wish I could forget her. To feel totally helpless to help your babies is a tragedy beyond words. They were and will always be our children.

What hurts so much is that they died so young and trusted us yet we couldn’t do a damn thing for them. If they lived to a ripe old age it wouldn’t be as painful. Had love been able to cure them, they would never be ill.

We considered Randolph and Muggsy as husband and wife because they truly loved each other. They played together and slept together. Talk about adorable! Many times I thanked God for their love for each other and us. I constantly prayed this dream would never end. When Muggsy died at three years old and Randolph at four, we couldn’t believe it. With the life span of a cat expected to be around 18 years, we still had a good 15 to go with each one of our precious babies. Even my few visits to a psychiatrist a year later hasn’t healed the pain. Visiting the “Rainbow Bridge” internet site at petloss.com sometimes helps, but I dread going there and still cry and literally feel a heavy, broken heart when I do. But, as we all know, life goes on. All we can do is hope to see our beloved human relatives and our pets in the afterlife. We had them cremated and have their urns in a closet in our house. How I hate that closet! It’s the same closet that Muggsy holed herself up during her last days. I slept on the floor with her so she knew she was loved and not alone. I frequently hold their sacred remains, cry, and pray. I don’t know if it does any good, but grieving people do what they can to try to prevent going insane.

While Randolph, Muggsy, and Princess were with us, another calico, we named Pumpkin, showed up. Of course, Princess didn’t like her. Randolph and Muggsy did. In fact, it’s our belief that Pumpkin’s love kept Randolph going. Less than a week after Randolph left us, Carolyn and I went to the local animal shelter and picked out two kittens, probably about six weeks old. We needed them and Pumpkin also needed loving playmates. I picked out one who looked strikingly like Randolph. Although she is a girl Russian Blue cat, we call her Randolph because of the remarkable resemblance. I can also attest that a big part of the reason I miss Randolph less than Muggsy is because of this look alike in both body and name. I wish I could find a look alike for Muggsy to relieve this emptiness. Randolph Jr. came with a sister, whom Carolyn named Camille, who is gray with stripes. She’s the sweeter of the two, and Pumpkin is a loving mom to both.

Carolyn had to have the vet put Princess to sleep in April 7, 2005. I was at work so I didn’t have to suffer the terrible deed of taking her to the vet. Feline leukemia claimed another victim. No, I must admit I really don’t miss or grieve for Princess because of her hateful attitude towards other cats. I have, however, prayed that she is giving and receiving love in the great beyond. And, yes, her cremated remains are also in the dreaded closet.

With this constant heavy burden on my heart, I do feel that it is not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. While I do love our current cats, I do know that my love isn’t as deep. I know it’s the pain of losing Muggsy and Randolph at such young ages. It’s also probable that they were the first cats I fell deeply in love with, and most likely no other cats will fill their paws. Oh, how I hope I’m wrong. Then maybe the grieving and tears will lessen or go away. Maybe one or two cats will someday appear and serve this purpose. I fully understand the strong love Tennyson felt for Arthur Henry Hallam during Hallam’s short life, and the emptiness he suffered after this extraordinary young man’s death. Sadly, we are equals in the terrible struggle of living life daily with sorrow in our hearts and souls.

Credits: http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/hallam/chron.html

The Idylls of the King http://calpoly.edu/-dschwart/engl380/pages/idylls.html

The poem, “In Memoriam,” 1850.

[Elizabeth A.]

Hi Mike~

I'm sorry about your losses. FeLK is a nasty problem in the feline community. I will learn Sunday how much my household has been affected by the two FELK positive kittens that came through my house in the past few months (two were positive, four weren't, and they were all here within the same small window of time). We're planning on having everyone in the house tested so we can isolate as needed.

My Sunny boy loves going outside on his leash (the only way he's allowed), but, if he is positive he wont be allowed outside anymore (to prevent the spread of FELK into the neighborhood).

This is a very difficult time for me, as I have tried to prepare myself as well (Sunny stepped on the laptop causing the above to post, so I'll continue from here) I have also tried to prepare myself for every combination of possibilities, all three having it all not some with one with out, etc.

Though I disagree with you. I feel it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. All of my childhood pets (all of which are gone now) led me to be the person I am today. Each one living or not, hold their own special place in my heart. My "heart" grows to make room for each one. No a new pet would never fill the old spaces, but because I knew those in the past, I know more, and I have more to give them.

When children bicker with each other, about who mom loves more, the mom always says that she doesn't love one more than the other. She loves each one differently. I believe that to be true. You said Randolph was the "gentleman" and you loved him for himself, giving him parts of yourself that he needed most. Muggsy you say was innocent and loving so she touched a different part of you. Pumpkin was also unique loving cat the foster mother of your group. Of course Princess was just that, the princess, and as much as her anger at not being the “only cat” anymore, made you crazy and perhaps sometimes you detested her behavior, you loved her too. She lived in your house for 10+ years.

Randolph and Camille, is that Randolph II? Are they the two you have now? I hate to say it but you should have them tested for FeLK. It can be done for low cost at the mobile clinics. You know the ones that do vaccines? www.animalheath.cc does it for only $18 each. FeLK is nasty and there are conflicting reports to how it is spread. If they both have FeLK then you will know and can better prepare yourself for their futures. If it turns out that the cats in your house are all FeLK positive, then you should only add other FeLK positive cats/kittens to your home. You hate this disease, as much if not more than most that have come in contact with it. Introducing a FeLK negative cat to a positive house feeds the disease another victim. I am truly sorry for your losses. I feel them as I feel the pain in my body from knowing my own losses.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your warm, thoughtful, and wise counsel. I want to be on your side with respect to my question. I'm sorry you're going to go through a hard time. It's no picnic. Randolph II looks about 100% like the original Randolph, so that's why I picked her. I call her Randolph to help take some of the sting out of what has happened, and it has worked toward that end.

We will get Randolph and Camille tested, although we are fearful of the results. What I have trouble with the most is their youth. If a cat should live to somewhere around 18 years old, it's torture when they leave us so young. Added to that, when they are sweet and innocent like Muggsy and Pumpkin, that adds tremendously to the grief.

I wish you a lot better luck with your kids than we've had with ours. You sound like a wonderful lady, and I like when nice guys and gals and pets finish first. It's terrible when they don't.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

Mike~ I'm glad to hear you're going to have your dear sweet kitties tested. I'm sure this weighs very heavy on your heart as it has on mine for the past few months. (Note: the $18 I was quoted on the phone was wrong as I went to one of the clinics today and they insisted it was $28-still call around and see what quotes you can drum up as I was told around $40 at a vets office)

I used to say that we plan for 5 years, wish for 10 and pray for 20 with our dear cats. But that's not really true, because we can't control everything, or else you and I would go out with the gel-goo packs like they used on GhostBusters and completely eliminate FeLK, just on our own. Sorry about the bad eighties humor there...

Maybe it's better to think of the history of your cats when you look back on their lives. You said that Randolf 1, was on the Air Force base and you saved him because other wise he wouldn't have made it. There, right there. That's it. You SAVED your cats. They had great lives filled with great happiness, perhaps even spoiled a little. Everyday, every week, every month, your kitties lived wonderful kitty lives. They never had to worry about finding food, a dry spot to get out of the rain, or where to run and hide when a car came. Outside Feral cats are estimated to live 2-5 years (that assumes they make it out of kittenhood) and I think 5 years is the exception.

So, no, your kitties didn't live as long as you wanted. If extra years of lived were given out for goodness and sweetness you would have had plenty. As they say "the good die young".

I was friends with an entire family all of whom died this past December. Two were children, their daughter would have turned 4 just after she past away and her brother would have been 3 this Jan. I have also lost three of the kittens I've cared for during that time. That family had 2 cats in life, and I just knew that my little ones went for those children to play with. Maybe it's silly but it's what I have.

So stroke your cats. Love them, and love on them, and know deep in your heart of hearts that your lost loves, really aren't lost at all, they are watching you and purring and playing just like always. Only now, all that is left is themselves, all traces of the disease is gone. I know this doesn't lessen the pain, but maybe it's a salve.

[MikeyW]

Thank you for your wisdom and the way you say things, Elizabeth. I'm sorry you've had a lot of heartache, as well. In my heart of hearts, I DO hope that Rainbow Bridge IS REAL, and not something made up to try to make us feel better. Rainbow Bridge DOES deserve tons of credit for being there, and trying to help us out with our sorrow. I just pray to God that it IS accurate, and that when we die, we will join our human loved ones and our dear pets so we are completely happy, and the holes in our hearts and souls are finally mended.

And, no, you're NOT being silly. We all try to ease the pain with whatever method works best for us. There's not much else we can do, or we'll just be consumed by the sadness. And, yes there are times it happens, but we struggle our way through it in any way we can. So often I wish I were God. If I were, I would ensure that life was fair to good people and good animals. I know it's dumb to keep wishing that would happen, as I know I'm jus knocking my head against the wall. The unfairness, as previously mentioned, is what I have the hardest time with. But, I'm working on it.

I wish you would get good news about your cats. I wish everyone would get good news about their pets. They have so much love.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh, I posted the good news all over the forum but here, sorry. All of my cats tested negative for FeLK I have some nasty long drawn out flu through (I get one symptom every day or three then I feel better then

I get to have a new sympotom) So I have to keep this short. FeLK was alive and in my home (completely, unknown to me) from Nov. 07 through Jan. 08. and somehow my grown cats immune systems fought and kept it away.

Take Care~

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

That's wonderful news!!!!!!!!! May they NEVER get it!!!!!!!!!!! And, may they stay healthy!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a suggestion for your flu symptoms. In TIME magazine, some years ago, a doctor died. In his obituary it stated that during the flu epidemic of 1918, he told his patients to keep their windows open a little bit to get fresh air, instead of breathing in the same old germs. Very few of his patients died. Other doctors of the day did not give this advice, and many of their patients died. So, keep your window open a bit to get fresh air instead of breathing in the same germs. I hope you get well very quickly and stay that way.

Sincerely,

Mike

[Maylissa]

Mike,

I'm so very sorry to hear about all yours and your wife's furkids losses and hope you will find help here, or wherever, to ease you through your pain. But I did love the story you wrote, and only wish that Reader's Digest had had the wisdom to print that 2 years ago! Any story that bears witness to the great and enduring love we hold for our animal brethren on this planet helps to dispel the stigma attached to the importance of losing our other-specied family members.

As to your question, I can't really answer it for certain yet. I still debate that one myself, although on the whole, I try to lean more towards feeling very blessed to have had the fullness and richness of that love, rather than the lesser amounts that I've received from humans, by comparison, throughout my life. What Elizabeth says is true, for many people - if not for such love (no matter its source), we wouldn't have evolved into the improved forms of ourselves that we are today, and so it IS a form of a blessing, despite the pain we carry alongside it. However, it's also true that we never would have received whatever amounts we have from whomever, had we not first GIVEN it in some way, or if we didn't already have that full love inside ourselves, intrinsically, to begin with. In other words, we can't give what we don't think we have.

And perhaps if we REALLY evolve more over time, we won't even be subject to the triggers to pain, either...but that's a different subject.

My own inner debate goes something like this:

When I'm in the depths of my pain, I don't just wish I hadn't had the chance to give or receive love of this magnitude (and then suffer its seeming loss), I wish, even predating this question, that I'd never come to this plane in the first place, subjecting myself to such pain!

But during those (briefer now) times when I'm feeling a bit better, I no longer agree with my first premise, and have some small hope of using this love to raise the consciousness of the entire planet (alongside many others doing the same).

It's a constant battle-ground inside.

As for "Rainbow Bridge", I personally don't really think it's necessarily as depicted, but rather, that it's more dependent on the individual soul, or aspect of incarnated Godliness, as to just how the continuance of 'formless' life ends up being. That is, perhaps some souls choose to hold onto some manner of spirit-form, while others don't feel such a need and are content to remain more formless....though still just as alive as ever. Just as it can apparently be for those who came from a human earthly form, I think any continuing life is more about a state of consciousness and being, rather than necessarily a much more pleasant 'duplicate' of the earthly realm. For myself, I get more of a sense of my kidlets being in a certain STATE of being, rather than being able to picture them in grassy meadows or things of that nature. However, I also believe that if they CHOOSE to, they can be in such places if they wish. But they also have vitally important jobs to do in their spirit state (just as they had here, but slightly different ones now), so neither do I sense them merely whiling away the 'hours' doing nothing BUT playing or other such pursuits. There also seems to be much consensus that souls can be in more than one place at a 'time', since Time is a construct of earthly living and doesn't really exist, as such, on the spirit planes. And even if it did, time IS relative, anyway, just as Einstein said. So they might be both here with me AND off doing whatever they wish otherwise, all at the same 'time.' (hence, your never being able to disturb their state when you talk to them at a moment's notice)

So my understanding and beliefs about the so-called afterlife (don't like that term, really, as life doesn't FOLLOW life; it simply REMAINS life) is quite a bit different than what the general populace thinks of it as. And many of these concepts have helped, rather than hindered me. I also take a lot of my beliefs from things like quantum physics, current experiments in energy/frequency healing, and continuing consciousness, not being content with just dogma. So perhaps some of this will help you begin to formulate what's most helpful for YOU, too. But it's often a life-long process, just like the carrying of our many and varied griefs are. I wish for you whatever evolution your fur-kids' lives have and still will help you achieve, no matter what means gets you there. One thing is for certain - their lives and their love AFFECT us deeply, if we are open to that, and that can't be a BAD thing overall.

Edited February 11, 2008 by Maylissa

[tattoodlb]

Hi Mike, Maylissa and Elizabeth...

As a cat lover (and all around animal lover) I am touched by the raw feelings in these posts about feline leukemia and losing animals too young...

I also rescue animals and got a "barn" cat in 2002 whom I loved dearly! Like a child (I do not have human kids...I only have furry kids) and he was the light of my life...my husband used to say that I loved the cat more than I loved him...he may have been right!! HAHA....well, he was almost right, I loved them equally (but again, different as was mentioned before) Anyway.. Smokey had developed very large lymph nodes in his back legs and his foot pads swelled and split...which was weird to me, so I took him to the vet who diagnosed a foot disease ( I do not recall the name of it) and that his nodes were enlarged due to a systemic increase in benign fluid...puzzling...so it went on like that for a few months and then one day...Smokey jumped out of his cat tree and meowed a hideous meow and collapsed...right in front of me...I was shocked and called the vet and rushed him right over...at this time, it was close to 7 pm and the vet waited for me...Smokey seemed normal (he obviously had massive amounts of adrenaline due to the car ride and strange office) the vet said his lab tech was not available so that I should come back first thing for blood tests...

The next morning was horrible..he had spent the night behind the sofa, which he never used to go back there..and he refused to eat. Needless to say, the rest of the story is way too emotionally draining to write it out... but after a few hundred dollars worth of tests and x-rays..it was determined that Smokey had severe advanced lung cancer!!! He was only 3 YEARS OLD!!!! The vet was shocked! By the time I arrived that evening, he was on oxygen...and he waited until he saw me and said good bye...

I was devastated beyond anything...even my own mom's death did not hit me so hard...

Suffice it to say...that our furry kids hold a very dear and special place in our hearts...

I now have a fiesty cat of 2 years old who even though he looks like Smokey, couldn't be more different...and just as special...but in a different way. I don't expect any furry kid to take the place of another but to add to the love in my heart.

[MikeyW]

Dear Maylissa,

Thank you for your kind words about my story. A while ago I read that a good way to try to dispose of the grief is to write about it. Loke Elizabeth, you, too, have a lot of wisdom. Maybe we'll see what really goes on when we pass on. All I know is that I want to end up with my beloved human relatives and adored pets. Then I'll feel whole again because life will again be complete. I guess all we can do is hope that heaven - or whatever it is - is all that it's cracked up to be.

All I've got to show for my babies is hair I clipped off so that I'd have something besides DVD, pictures, and memories. They're all in urns in the garage, as I hate to pass by them. My thinking is that I'll buy a plush calico cat doll and put some of their ashes inside of it, and keep it in my office. I'll hug it and keep it in my office so that it feels like they are here with me, and not some damn jar. Maybe some folks sick I'm a sicko, but my goal is to transfer my LOVE to that doll with some of their ashes in it so that I can have something solid to use to express my love for them. I don't know if it will feel any better or not. I suspect - and hope - it will.

What really stinks is that we animal lovers have the same deep love for our pets while they're here or not. I wish we could shut it off, but we can't. So, I'll fight my losses that way, and hope it works.

-Mike

[MikeyW]

Dear tattoodlb,

I'm so sorry about Smokey. Words are so inadequate for those of us who suffer the loss of a dear one - human or pet. I don't know if it's me or not, but it seems that cats are not nearly as hearty a creature as I had believed.

You said no other look alikes are like the original Smokey. Our Randolph II is different. First of all, she's a girl. But, since she looks about 99% like our original Randolph the boy, that's why I chose her. She purrs, whereas Randolph I did not. Randolph I played with me more, although it seems that Randolph II has responded to coming to me more lately when I call her. I know its less painful for us that Randolph II so closely resembles Randolph I. Yes, there are different behaviors, but getting another cat that so resembles a departed loved one has taken much of the sting away.

It's terrible that Smokey also met such a painful, young end.Maybe we should try fish instead of cats. They might live longer and without damned cancer!!

And, no, I wouldn't get catfish either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

First: Feeling better, thanks, stupid nasty bug

Second: I just cleaned my fish tank, yuck

Mike~ Your fish comment is cute, though fish live only like a year or two. But in the case of my fish... Ugh! I have Gold Long Fin Zebra Danios. I bought 5, just five. Before I could blink I had babies (they are egg layers) I had 9 that I SOLD back to the pet store. Two days later I had 5 babies, then 10, the next day I had 20, day after that 70, etc. I'd guess there's oh 50+ in my tank now. They're about a month old, and range from 1/2" to 3/4" long. So when they are fully grown in a month or three I will once again take them all to the fish store and hopefully be rid of them this time.

Horray for fish humor.

You're not a sicko, When a person dies some of us look for something phsycial to hold on to. I'm a tactile person and I have a afgan that my grandmother made, as well as a quilt we made together along with two of her necklaces and when I miss her, even sometimes when I just want her close to me, I get these things out. I see nothing wrong with wanting this same closeness with a lost pet. In a way they are our most trusted friends. They never laughed at us (though I have gotten plenty of "don't be stupid mom" looks along with the traditional "you've got to be joking!") and certainly never judged us.

Maylissa mentioned in another post that she has a locket with her lost kitties furr in it. And someday when I feel less distraught (I feel the day getting a little closer) I will scrapbook all that I have from my babies. That way I can have it as much or as little as I want.

tatoodlb~ I understand the swollen lymph nodes on Smokey's legs. Herbie the kitten I lost to FeLK suffered from two forms of lymphomia. It started on his tummy right around his belly button and spread first to his back legs and then to his front and then into his neck. The pain of it that I constantly push away is that I didn't know, I didn't know what was going on. His belly was just a little bump and then when it spread I began to worry, but it was so fast by then. Truly it pains me to think that my dear sweet boy suffered with symtoms of his FeLK for all but one week of his life. At least I do know that until the last he was happy inspite his suffering. He was a very loving cat.

Does anyone have any photos that they want to share? I've been on 35mm film for a while now so I don't have any of the young troups. I've added two of my dear Sunny boy when he was a baby and going to work with me all the time. Lucky for him (and me too) I'm a SAHM now so we're together most all the time. He's going to be 4 in July. Silly fuzz head.

[Maylissa]

Mike,

I'd meant to also mention that while I also understand the horrors and different aspects of the pain that accompanies both sudden and 'too-young' loss, it's certainly not any easier to lose someone who has been able to live out their lives to a riper, older age.

Case in point - we lost our boy suddenly (to cancer that had rapidly and unbeknownst to us metastasized to his lungs before it was even diagnosed), at age 13. NOTE: cancer does NOT normally show up in blood tests until it's already at an advanced stage; true for humans, cats and dogs, at the least. Yes, this is much older than only a few years, but it was still sudden and horrifyingly shocking, esp. given the holistic care both our kids received (though even that increased a LOT for his sister, afterwards!). Nissa, on the other paw, lived to the much longer age of 19 yrs., 7 months, so closer to 20 years than not.

There are only some differences in the levels of pain, not lesser amounts. While losing someone too young brings up tons of those feelings of being totally ROBBED of time together and things of that nature, losing someone after you've spent a good portion of YOUR human lifespan with them brings up a whole set of other feelings, equally as devastating and sometimes even more so. So, fairly equal, but just different. But the pain levels are still humongous, either way. One just has a different conglomeration, or set, of emotional issues to deal with. This may not be 'good' news for you, and I don't mean to make you lose hope in that kind of dream, but it's a realistic view to expect pain no matter what the age of our beloved babies when they go.

While it's true that I can sit here today and find a smidgeon of comfort in the fact that Nissa at least got to live a much longer life, and got that much MORE time to be loved and adored by me, her Mommy, I've also lost that much more myself, and my whole world has been knocked right off its moorings. After all, almost 20 years is a huge chunk of MY human time on earth, too, compared to 13 years. So I have not only my loss to contend with, but the usual crises and inherent losses in their own right that go along with my own aging, right alongside that pain.

There's just no way to 'win' these kinds of battles. You'd said that "What really stinks is that we animal lovers have the same deep love for our pets while they're here or not. I wish we could shut it off, but we can't." I think the real goal is to try to find ways to hang onto that love, but give up the pain, however we might attain that state of mind. As humans, that can be tantamount to asking us to move mountains, but some people have actually managed it, usually via spiritual pursuits. This is in effect, what Buddhists, for example, practice. Letting go of "attachments" and being left with nothing but the Love. And no, although I espouse to this lofty concept, I'm nowhere near achieving it yet! I just think it's a goal, one which I may never even reach in this lifetime.

I also think your idea of encasing everyone's ashes in a 'stuffie' is a great idea, especially if it will work for YOU. That's all that ever matters - whether something works for YOU, not someone else. There was someone else here awhile back who bought a specially-made plush toy online, made specifically to house ashes. See this link: Huggable Urns They DO have a cat 'stuffie' and will even customize one if you like. I asked, though I've not yet decided if I'm going that route or not yet. But they were willing to try their best - great company!

And it's true that no matter how much we save of our babies (I've got a fair amount; more of Nissa's), it helps in some ways, but doesn't REALLY make a dent in how much we miss them now. We miss their living, breathing, active and responsive bodies and souls, and nothing short of that here can replace that whole package deal.

I, too, can really only hope that the spirit realm is at least much kinder, more peaceful and happier than this realm. And all that would take would be for me to be with my kids again and especially not have to worry about any physical failings again - anything more would be icing on the cake. I actually suspect that, even more so than when my kids were here, we'll be able to totally MELD our souls' energies together if we like....and while I don't exactly know what that would be/feel like, from the little glimpse I'd been given of that from here on earth, I can well imagine how completely blissful it would be. And that would be enough for me.....*sigh* I just can't WAIT to once again be a part of THIS blissful experience:

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[SoHard2LetGo]

MikeyW,

My heart truly goes out to you. Having to make the choice of when to end the suffering of one of our "eternal children" is the most difficult task we are ever asked to bear. They look to us to make everything right in their world and sometimes the feeling of failure to do so seems almost too hard to bear.

This past year fate chose to take 4 of my babies from me. 2 from cancer and 2 from old age at ages 12, 17, 18 and 13. When each of their times came I knew in my heart that I was doing what was best for them, but it didn't lessen the pain. Even knowing they were well cared for, well loved, and (as large dogs) blessed with a fairly long life gave me little comfort. No matter how old they get, they never live long enough.

My last old guy under went chemo for many months. I made a pact with him that he just had to let me know when it got too hard to keep fighting and his suffering took too much of the joy from his life. I believe he did just that. In fact, in each of their cases I felt more than just instinct told me when they were ready to pass with dignity. That's our final, and maybe our most important responsibility. I have no doubt the joy they brought to my life was worth the pain of their loss. I learned something very special about love and commitment from each of them.

Like you, I have adopted a new pup from a rescue group that physically reminded me of one of my boys. I know he can't replace one that I lost, but I also know that the last thing my guys would want would be for me to waste all the love I have to give grieving over them.

Maybe in his wisdom, God gives us those that need us the most so that their lives will be extra special. Nudging us to open our hearts and homes to new wonderful friends is his way of helping us heal.

As I have been through this before, I can only offer that as time passes many of the memories that hurt today eventually bring a smile to you face and warmth to your heart.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm glad you're feeling better. As we all know, there's nothing like good health. Those fish are something else! Happy little creatures, aren't they?

I have hair from our beloved cats and will put them into a plush toy calico doll when I find an appropriate one. I'll then keep it in my office, since I'm there the most. Hopefully that will help ease the pain a bit.

Between Muggsy and Pumpkin, I NEVER realized cats could be nearly as loving as dogs. I was wrong. But, at a terrible time like this, I wish I was right. Love is great when they're with us and torture when they're not.

-Mike

Dear Maylissa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how long or short we have our loved ones, it's never long enough. Everything you said makes sense. Let's hope the next world is kinder, gentler, more loving, and that we'll permanently be with all our human and pet loved ones. I'll look at the urns. Thank you for the lead.

-Mike

Dear SoHard2LetGo,

I'm sorry for your losses, too. Nobody escapes this terrible pain. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated as well, as you also make a lot of sense. I know that as the years go by and the pain lessens, we will get more cats. I especially want a couple of calicos that are lap cats. Pumpkin was such a lover!!!! So sweet and innocent and she loved everybody-humans and cats. When I die, I pray heaven is all it's cracked up to be because her loss has left the biggest hole in my heart and soul. She was a saint down here, and now I guess she's a bigger one up there. I guess it's true, that losing children is worse than losing parents. Especially when they do trust us to care for them.

We did, but it didn't help much.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

The happy fish brought a laugh to my lips thank you.

Now hold your thoughts in check because this one blew me out of the water too. My Kitty is well fat. (She was abused before she came to us and can't stand to leave even one bite of food in the bowl for fear she might go hungry later) Our vet says to leave her be and all cats are different, "she's fine" etc. She is a stereotypical calico with big white black and brown splotches. According to the vet who ran the test that is where she leaves stereotypical calico behind in the dust.

The vet that ran Kitty's FeLK test said that kitty is very calm and laid back, a very nice cat (on and on!) She went on to say how surprising that is because she's a calico. Odd hu? Kitty is a hostess. She comes up and says "hi" when you first get to my house and if you don't live here (or visit often) you don't see her again. That's it she's done. But as I've said she's my moma cat and she knows when her people need a little bit of "moma" be it a moma issue (as in something with my daughter making me upset) or just needs a mother's love, she is right there ALL of her ready to love you.

See? Strange that you and I say "oh love a calico" but somewhere calicos have a stigma?!?!

Was it SoHardToLetGo who said God sends us those who need us the most. I believe that. In return for the great gift of knowing those who love us so much we get a bond that ties us to that animal/creature/being so very strong. Sure it's an effort (never ask to see Sunny's baby medical bills) but we believe in life and love or else we wouldn't even try to care for them, right?

I'm sorry to hear so many losses for you. I'm sure it hurts very deeply. You know that door in our hearts that we try to keep closed? Yeah, the feelings live back there.

[MikeyW]

Dear Friends,

Yesterday at about 5 p.m. Iworked up my nerve to pick up the urn containing our dear, sweet Pumpkin. We still can't believe it! Of course, when I got to the car, I cried.

Before going there, I went to a number of stores to look for a calico cat plush toy in which to put some of her hair. At Target I found a FurReal cat.

It's orange with some white on the feet, tail, around the nose, and belly. It also purrs and meows when you press down on its back.

I went into the garage, opened the dreaded box containing the ashes of Randolph, Muggsy, and Princess. I put some of each into a small plastic packet, all the while saying a prayer through my tears for eah baby. I then did the same for sweet Pumpkin. I also added her hair to the mix.

I then sat down in my office and proceeded to turn the toy cat into a calico with the use of a black Sharpie magic. Photos of Pumpkin served as my model for coloring. I then put the plastic packet containing the sacred contents under the skin of my newest purchase. It may not be perfect, but "Pumpkin is now on my office desk.

I rubbed some of Pumpkin's hair on the doll so as to try to give it Pumpkin's scent. It does have the Sharpie odor. I then let Randolph II and Camille smell it. It didn't seem to be successful. I really would like to know what they think. I let each of them smell a clump of Pumpkin's hair that I previously brushed off her. Randolph appeared to be more interested than Camille.

It feels strange. I never did like having the kids stowed away in a closet or garage. Maybe this will give me more inner peace. Maybe not. I suppose only time will tell.

-Mike

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm glad you're feeling better. As we all know, there's nothing like good health. Those fish are something else! Happy little creatures, aren't they?

I have hair from our beloved cats and will put them into a plush toy calico doll when I find an appropriate one. I'll then keep it in my office, since I'm there the most. Hopefully that will help ease the pain a bit.

Between Muggsy and Pumpkin, I NEVER realized cats could be nearly as loving as dogs. I was wrong. But, at a terrible time like this, I wish I was right. Love is great when they're with us and torture when they're not.

-Mike

Dear Maylissa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how long or short we have our loved ones, it's never long enough. Everything you said makes sense. Let's hope the next world is kinder, gentler, more loving, and that we'll permanently be with all our human and pet loved ones. I'll look at the urns. Thank you for the lead.

-Mike

Dear SoHard2LetGo,

I'm sorry for your losses, too. Nobody escapes this terrible pain. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated as well, as you also make a lot of sense. I know that as the years go by and the pain lessens, we will get more cats. I especially want a couple of calicos that are lap cats. Pumpkin was such a lover!!!! So sweet and innocent and she loved everybody-humans and cats. When I die, I pray heaven is all it's cracked up to be because her loss has left the biggest hole in my heart and soul. She was a saint down here, and now I guess she's a bigger one up there. I guess it's true, that losing children is worse than losing parents. Especially when they do trust us to care for them.

We did, but it didn't help much.

-Mike

[MikeyW]

Today (Monday), we took both Camille and Randolph to the veterinarian for testing for FIV and FELV. Thankfully and amazingly, both tested negative!!!

Even though the test is about 97% accurate, I still am nervous about it, as Pumpkin tested negative a few years ago when we got her, but still got it.

I wish everyone would end up with such great news.

We're still in shock about Pumpkin, and it still feels like a bad dream.

Do I feel like "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" I'm on the fence.

Yes I do and no I don't. Right now I wish I didn't know Pumpkin because the void without her and her love is so big, and the tears and heartache still appear.

At least now I have a guarded hope that Randolph and Camille may actually end up with long cat lives. I can say that my love for them is not as deep as Pumpkin's, because she was a lap cat and exuded total love. I guess I'm also afraid to love them so much because of the cats that have been taken away from us so early in their lives. I DO love them, but something's missing.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh Mike, that is the best news I've heard in a week! Horary! Huzzah! Do the, I love healthy cats laser tag chase! Seriously I couldn't be more happy for you. That is great. I'm sure you've done reading on FeLK and know the variables of negative tests. This is a happy of a post. Take a big deed breath. See that cat out of the corner of your eye? Yep that one and the other one too, those kitties have a great future ahead, together with you! Love them, missing your other cats especially Pumpkin is just fine. But don't forget that it's okay to feel happy about this, you know that 100+ lb weight you've been hauling around with you? Just feel it lifting away. There is something truly great knowing that you are being given a opportunity to love your kitties for years and years to come.

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, I have begun working on a quilt for my daughter and am hard at work with it, if only I feel very driven to not only start it, but complete it as well.

[SoHard2LetGo]

MikeyW,

I would like to add my congrats on the test results. It won't change the loss you feel over Pumpkin, but at least you can bury the dread you had to be carrying about the others.

Open your heart and let your surviving babies help you heal. They may only be waiting for a cue from you to let them be close.

Best wishes. I truly know how very hard it is to let go.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth.

Thank you. I still worry about the 3% possibility , as Pumpkin tested negative when we had her tested. I usually believe in goin with the odds,

but I must admit to being gunshy because we've lost 4 babies in so short a time. It feels like none of them ever existed in real life, but only as a dream. We're still shellshocked about Pumpkin.

I wish you well on your quilt.I know it's time consuming. You're better than me. I buy things. It's so much easier.

-Mike

Dear SoHard2LetGo,

Thank you for your wishes. As I told Elizabeth, I'm still nervous due to our cat history and sweet Pumpkin being tested as negative - and look what happened.

Also, thank you for your wisdom about getting closer and being more loving towards Randolph and Camille in order to help heal myself. I've started doing so.

-Mike

[Elizabeth A.]

I understand the worry is very real for that 3%, I know all about it, everytime one of my kitty's tries to play "gross dinner mom" or "take that junk cat food back to whatever alley you got it out of". Can you tell I've been trying to get my cats on a healthier diet? It's working, yeah right. I am now the proud owner of three 4 lb bags of "oh please try it darlings, it's so much better than the old food which was full of (gasp) CORN." Right... Yes I know, I know, if you mix the old stuff with the new stuff... SURE! You've never met MY cats. You know how kids will sometimes pull every bit of one veggie out of a mix seeming to never touch the rest of the veggies? That's my house.

Does your calico stuffie still smell like Sharpie? I can't think of any tips to quench the smell. Maybe a dryer sheet for her to sit on?

I'm making the quilt from her old baby clothes, so you could say I did buy it. Or something. Take Care.

[MikeyW]

Dear Elizabeth, yes, the stuffed cat does smell like a Sharpie. But, it does look a lot like a calico. I aired it out once & will have to do so more. I know your quilt will come out fine. I'll bet there's a lot of wonderful memories to go along with it.

I was wondering if animals forget their loved ones. If so, is it pretty quickly. Yesterday I put a comb with Pumpkin's hair on it next to Camille. She sniffed it for about 10 seconds, but didn't say a word. She and Randolph seem to be closer and play more. It appears that Camille usually felt like the third wheel. Pumpkin and Randolph were closer than Pumpkin and Camille.

I could feel the pain has lessened and I hardly cry now. But, there are still moments.

Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost? Yes and No.

Yes, because we all know the joys of love and how miraculous it makes us feel. It absolutely brings out the unselfish best in us as mortals. We feel safe with our loved ones, whether they be person or pet.

No, because once they are snatched from us, it shuts down our souls, whether temporarily or at least a part of our souls permanently. Even though we will still feel joys in life, a certain darkness remains with us when we think of our departed loved ones. To be sure, we may still laugh at some of their antics, and their love for us and ours for them. But, when all is said and done, they are physically gone from this planet, but not from our hearts and souls. The "high" we felt in their loving presence is replaced by a "low" of mythic proportions.

It's been said that God has created only one of each of us. That is so true.

People may imitate Babe Ruth, Elvis, and Marilyn. Numerous people have portrayed Superman. But, there was only one George Reeves and only one Christopher Reeve. But, as we all know, there was ONLY one original. And, that, my dear friends, is the stark reality. Whether it's a beloved person or pet, there is/was only one!

Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost? Sometimes the answer is, in my opinion, NO! When we lost J.F.K. and Princess Diana, the world stopped, and has still not recovered from either loss. But, we still trudge on because life goes on. I suppose that's all we can do because there's really no choice. And, when our time comes to leave, all we can do is hope Heaven is all it's cracked up to be, and that we will finally join our beloved loved ones - humans and pets - and our lives will permanently be whole again. Maybe planet Earth is a testing ground to see how we handle the many curve balls life throws at us. Maybe we're being tested to see if we're honest loving, and to see if life brings out the best or worst in us.

I didn't plan this to be a philosophic diatribe. It just happened.

-Mike

[Maylissa]

I'm up very early; couldn't sleep, again, for missing my darling girl, so dropped in for a read....and what you just said grabbed me and wouldn't let me go:

"Even though we will still feel joys in life, a certain darkness remains with us when we think of our departed loved ones. To be sure, we may still laugh at some of their antics, and their love for us and ours for them. But, when all is said and done, they are physically gone from this planet, but not from our hearts and souls. The "high" we felt in their loving presence is replaced by a "low" of mythic proportions."

Oh, man...that says it all, Mike. And "mythic proportions." You bet.

Lately, I've been trying very hard to recreate the feelings of safety, solace and boundary-less union I felt with my baby girl when she was physically here, through the very best of the memories I have from all our years of loving each other to pieces....such as when we cuddled up and kissed for 20 solid minutes at a time. ***sigh *** This activity is supposed to be one of my emotional "resources," but it's not working too well yet.

Just as you had expressed, it's impossible to isolate those memories with nothing but the wonderful feelings they previously held. Right alongside, there also automatically arises a vast hollowness and deep pain, because, let's face it, memory is not normally quite as clear, full and rich as any actual, present moment, even if that moment had been experienced as fully as possible at the time. And so we're robbed of experiencing our treasured memories as wholly comforting. Then we miss our loved ones even more because of it.

As you and many other people say, the memories of their beloveds often feel more like a wondrous dream that once was, that slips ephemerally between our fingers when we try and recapture its wholeness in the present. A dream that we're so shocked to have lost (reason plays virtually no part in the feelings associated with grief), that the trauma creates yet another feeling - that of a sort of 'detachment' or surreality, almost as if it were someone else's (shared) life we're recalling, just one bit removed from a total re-experiencing of that fullness. But it's an important "bit". These memories....they're a paler reflection of the moments we used to be able to call "NOW", and oh, gawd, that hurts so badly. And I suppose it rather is someone else's life we recall, because now of course, we're irrevocably changed by our loss and simply can't BE quite that same person anymore, nor hold onto the same place we once occupied.

Is is better to have loved and lost? You know, more often than not when I've pondered this, I actually try not to think of it solely from my individual perspective, but also from the perspective of how it would have impacted the entire lives of my babies had I not been the one to rescue/adopt them. I shudder to think (!), especially given each of their health challenges through the years, ones that I know most people would have done far worse with on their behalf. So if nothing else, it becomes quite clear that it was certainly better for THEM that I loved, and better still that it was ME who lost, and not them who lost me, because I absolutely know that they each would have been heartbroken without their Mom being there for them....every parent's very worst nightmare. In fact, they may have actually died of those broken hearts, so great was our bond with each other.....huh....just like I feel I might even be in the process of doing, for all I really know. It sure feels like it, even now.

You were also wondering "...if animals forget their loved ones. If so, is it pretty quickly?"

As to your first question...why would they, unless they develop dementia or some other similar disorder? They're every bit as sentient and feeling as we are, oftentimes even more so. Their lives are as full of their own memories as ours. For just one example, does an animal ever forget that lone, telling trip to the vet that made them possibly forever afraid to return? Think of all the many situations where memory is involved and you will know this to be true. However, this doesn't mean they can't resolve any feelings of grief they may be experiencing due to their loss. While they do remember, animals also live more in the NOW than we're as able to and this often helps them work through their feelings much faster than us.

As to your second question, everyone's case is individual. But I can tell you that Nissa (according not only to her animal communicator at the time, but also to my own observations), frankly, was pondering whether she should herself stay or go when she lost her brother, because they loved each other so deeply. She became severely anorexic for quite awhile and it was an uphill battle to regain her former weight. She also rapidly developed kidney insufficiency, which is quite common in grief-stricken cats.(this later turned into true chronic kidney failure, but over 6.5 years' time) For her, it took about 3 months to begin to show a real interest in living again, and that was with tons of love, care, attention, and other helping aids (such as flower essences and homeopathic treatment by her vet and I), as well as me sharing my thoughts and feelings with her, and 'hearing'/sensing hers in return. But once she did start climbing back into life, despite her great love for her brother, she truly "came into her own" and soon reveled in being our 'only' child! And in her case, she did NOT want any other feline 'interloper' to join our household, either!

Other animals rebound quite quickly and still others are even happier, especially if there had been friction between them and the one who passed. I know there's a short article on Marty's website about the effects of grief in remaining animal family members, which has been cited many times in this forum.

So as it is with any of us, no matter the species, it depends greatly on the depth, or lack thereof, of the relationship any remaining kidlets had with the one who has passed. You know your own kidlets best, so trust what you already know, stay alert to any effects and use common sense and veterinary care if needed, and you'll all be able to help each other through this.

Edited February 29, 2008 by Maylissa