Today Will Be A Good Day

[Elizabeth A.]

I'm sticking my chin in the air and I hope by sheer will, it will be a good day. After all the sun is shining and the breeze is blowing gently. IT has all the makings for a good day (and I'm not planning on leaving the neighborhood).

Best Wishes!

[DesertBob]

That's the spirit! So how did it go?!

I recently finished an excellent book, The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. She somehow got a government grant to study happiness -- what is it really? Well it is somewhat counter-intuitive:

50% Genetically determined set-point: after every tragedy or joy in life you will within a year or so return to this set-point. People who win the lottery are on average no happier a year later. People who lose their legs are on average no less happy a year later.

10% Determined by circumstances -- and we all over-estimate the importance of circumstances, which of course, we have little control over.

40% Determined by your mental habits.

What you did today -- savoring the moment -- is one of the techniques she recommends to deal with the 40% of happiness you have control over. I'm not going to be so insensitive as to suggest that you can or should ignore the terrible pain of loss. But on days when you can see a little ray of sunshine -- grab onto it and milk it for all it's worth.

Elizabeth, thanks for the boost for the rest of us.

--Bob

[LoriS.]

Very interesting study, Bob. And good for you Elizabeth! I was just in Florida visiting a childhood girlfriend...I know about that "breeze" you speak of in the Florida air!

When I am having a day that I know is a great day, I hang on to that feeling for as long as I can. When I am having an average day, I am learning to ride it out and know that another good day is soon to come. Making a conscious effort to make that good day a great day, even if it's staying home or running errands, really has helped me. I'm experiencing a lot of "woman" issues being almost 50 and it takes a bit more effort to realize that an average day WILL pass and a good day is just around the corner!

Take care...Lori

[KathyG]

That research is fascinating. Developing that 40% of happiness you can control can be compared to gold mining:

-- Some days, you find nothing but solid rock. So you accept that day and place as unproductive and move on.

-- Most days, you find at least a little vein of gold buried in the rock. You dig further to bring forth as much of the gold as you can, and sometimes in the process you stumble on a bonanza.

-- Other days, when everything seems to go right, you hit the mother lode.

[Elizabeth A.]

Bob~ That is great information to know, I will have to keep it in mind. I'm not sure how it will factor in for helping, but I know it will.

Lori~ I am blessed to live in a place I love, which I wonder is that circumstances? or mental?

Kathy~ I feel like I have been a coal miner lately, so little gold have I found.

The day I posted this was Friday. It was the day I started "being busy" and instead of just beating around the house I actually sat down and put some of my talents to use and created a Website for my family. Will I keep it updated? I don't know, but that doesn't really matter either. Because it got me brain out of the ditch it so wants to be in.

Today had all of the makings of being a bad day, but I have found a good sized chunk of "gold" and I'm having to build it up for myself so it becomes tangible something I can believe.

Good things CAN happen. Just because everyday is bad for a looong time, doesn't mean today or tomorrow will, thanks guys!

[lorikelly]

thats a great way to start the day, sometime we have to put it in our head so that we can see the good in front of us. we tend to wake thinking it will be horrible and it is. lori

[shell]

I keep thinking of the saying, "fake it until you can make it". Sometimes faking happiness brings real happiness. It's all in the mind. Of course, there are some days that you just can't muster up anything but sadness, but that's ok too. Normal really. Hope everyone finds a little gold today!

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

In all of our circumstances, we all have a lot to be thankful for, sometimes I just do not think that we can see it. Time helps some, I think you really just get more use to your life. Does the hurt ever go away- No Does the lonliness ever go away-No I thank God every day for a wonderful mother, that loved me and showed me how to love. Is life fair- No Will life ever be fair- No Will I ever find my way completely-Probably Not But, I do know that I am just passing through- that this is not my home, and I will never be 100% content, until I get there.

Love,

Rosanne

[DesertBob]

Actually the study I quoted said that faking it does in fact produce benefits.

When a person is happy, there is increased blood flow to a certain region of the brain (left front I think).

If a person sees someone else smile, or forces a smile themselves, it stimulates the same area, perhaps not as strongly, but it is definitely producing an effect.

People who practice happy "behaviors" in the absence of happy "feelings" have a strong tendency to generate happy "feelings". Almost anything you do that's positive, helps you to feel positive. And it's more than folk wisdom. It is verifiable fact.

What the study doesn't mention, and what I suspect is important, is intention. Your will probably needs to be directed towards happiness. You have to want to be happy, and you have to will it. The act of forcing a smile or directing your mind to the positive side of a situation is a reflection of that will.

Some people, at least at times, want to hold on to anger or sadness for various reasons and I suspect a person in that situation would truly be "faking it" and wouldn't benefit. For example if you feel that being happy is disloyal to your deceased loved one, or you're mad at God and feel that being happy lets God off the hook, or something like that, then you probably can't jump start happiness that way. I know I was in that place at times early in the grieving process and it's rather normal. But eventually we let go and allow ourselves to be happy, and once we can do that, actively encouraging and strengthening happiness by applying ourselves to it with a right good will, is helpful to our healing.

--Bob

I keep thinking of the saying, "fake it until you can make it". Sometimes faking happiness brings real happiness. It's all in the mind. Of course, there are some days that you just can't muster up anything but sadness, but that's ok too. Normal really. Hope everyone finds a little gold today!

Hugs,

Shell

Edited February 12, 2008 by DesertBob

[Elizabeth A.]

Bob~ I think your comments about faking it working somehow are right on.

My sister and I have a give and take thing going on. I'm always there for her (at least I try to be) and when she comes around (the past couple of months not withstanding) I try to be upbeat, sometimes to the point of being just plain silly. It seems to help our tensions, over stresses in our lives, to slip away. I once reenacted a scene from "The truth about Cats and Dogs" where I was the vet and she was the "patient" and when it was all said and done, she say's to me, "Now I know why no one can stay mad at you!"

All I could think of yeah, right, it's not about who I am, it's about who we are when we are together. Not really faking it, but certainly making our own happiness.

[LoriS.]

I'm glad to see that there are others here really putting forth the effort and desire to create happiness and understand what it means to have intentions to bring it on. I have been very interested in the "power of intention" subject for sometime now and I have been putting it into practice into my daily life as much as I can. Of course I have bad days...everybody does, but I try to keep in mind that it will pass and know that it will. Sometimes, it really does feel like I'm "faking it", especially when I come in contact with other people, but somehow, it seems to pass quicker whan I do make the conscious effort to try.

Have a great day...Lori

[shell]

I was raised with a big emphasis on having good manners. There are times when I had to act "ok" because it would have been bad manners not to, and in a weird way, it helps you get through the bad moments. I realized that my grief was not an excuse to act anyway that I felt like. I can do that in private. But I don't expect the rest of the world to "know" how I feel and have sympathy for me anymore. It's different with family and friends....they should understand. But just people in general...it isn't their problem and so it's easier to have good manners and fake it, in my opinion.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Shell, you are so right! Did I read correctly on another post that you have 27 cats??? Wow!!!

[shell]

Lori,

Yep, 27! They keep me very busy!

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Shell I agree with you. When people ask me how I am doing it is easier on myself to just say I am okay or doing as well as can be expected, and do it with a smile on my face. If I even try to be truthful which gives them the opportunity to ask more questions it leaves me vulnerable to start crying, and then everyone is uncomfortable. People ask us how we are because they also are showing manners but most of the time I do not think they are expecting the nitty gritty truth and all the tears. I also am tired of people feeling sorry for me, so that is the way I handle it also. Gee Shell now that people know you have 27 cats they aren't paying attention to my 7 dogs ! LOL

Love,

Wendy

[shell]

Wendy,

Sorry! I really hate to tell most people how many I have, they make such a big fuss about it! I usually just say "a lot" and change the subject!

I'm the same way about people feeling sorry for me. I love it when people care, but not when they feel sorry for me, because I can honestly say I never felt like "poor me" that this happened. I felt everything else in the world, but no self-pity. I think if you fall into that trap it makes your grief harder to get over. It almost changes it into a whole other issue.

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Hey Shell don't say sorry that is a good thing ! LOL As a person with multiple animals you know what I mean of the shock when people say " You have how many?" SO now my 7 seem like nothing...hehehe....for once ! People who have never been to my house have no idea first of all how little my dogs are and don't realize all of mine together together would still never add up weight wise to we'll say Sadie Mae's weight. And I am so anal about cleanliness in my house that when people come over they say you would never know I had seven dogs. But try telling that to someone who doesn't know you, right ? You know what I mean ! Us multiple pet people need to stick together !

Love,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

Okay I have to say it, a few years ago when I was in the bank drive thru line the teller say's to me "Hi! How are you today?" In the most sticky throw up/gag me voice ever. I was having a horrible day. Completely awful, as I was on my way to yet another doctor who had told me the week before that if I wasn't better he was going to stick me in the hospital, and I wasn't any better, not to mention I was taking money out of the bank just so I would have cash to pay the horrid man. Under any other conditions I would have said "fine" and let it run. But I surprised myself by saying "I'm having a really terrible day."

Guess what the teller says to me? "I'm so glad to here that!" I was so shocked. It taught me something. People just ask, it's manners or whatever, but your answer doesn't really matter, as though the entire "social conversation" is supposed to be "auto pilot"

[WendyJ]

OMG Elizabeth that is bad ! I had to laugh at that one, not that it is funny but I was expecting you to say something like you went balistic on the teller about your horrible day ! Now to me that is not manners on her part, that sounds more like some of that robotic mumbo jumbo they make some employees say. Sometimes when I call some of these dealerships for work they make theses people that answer the phones sound like valley girl barbie dolls with these fake speaches. This one girl had to say " Good morning/afternoon it is a beautiful day here at ......please ask me what type of specials we are running today and I will be glad to tell you. My name is ....how may I direct your call?" I said to her "Dear goodness you have to say that everytime the phone rings?" I then proceeded to hear every 4 letter word out there is on how she hated making an ass out of herself with that 5 min line ! LOL

Love,

Wendy

[shell]

Wendy,

My cats are all strays, so they are afraid of people (wisely, I think! but that's another story!) So when people come over, they all run and hide and no one believes I have ten cats! The other 17 are ouside and live in the yard and the garage. I, too, am anal about housecleaning, so luckily the house doesn't smell like I have ten cats either. But I think some people are beginning to think I'm a crazy old lady who just THINKS she has ten cats inside...hahahaha. Yep, we have to stick together!

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Hey Shell, I have had cats in the past who weren't strays that ran and hid when people came over ! One of my Chins runs to the door and greets people and gets all excited and then spends the rest of the time they are here with her nose in a corner. The minute they leave she goes and gets a toy and throws it up in the air and all over because she is so happy they left. Honestly I never would have made it at home all alone this past year without them. They keep me company and laughing too !

Love,

Wendy

[shell]

Wendy,

That is so funny! My babies want mama only and get very upset and pouty when someone else is in the house too. As I've said before, they have saved my life. I don't think there are some things I would have made it through without them. To me they are perfection.

Hugs to you and your babies,

Shell

[WendyJ]

I totally agree with you, I truly believe mine saved my life too. From cuddling with me at night and giving me comfort, to needing my care and love, to even keeping me busy grooming and cleaning up after them. They are my fur children now that my human children are grown. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them.

Hugs and kisses to your babies too !

Love,

Wendy