When I Said I Do

[mfarah]

When I said I do on February 22, 2003 I would have never for a minute imagined not making it to my 5 year wedding anniversary without my husband. Jack and I celebrated our love on our honeymoon going on a cruise we had the time of our life and we always said we would take another cruise on our 5 year anniversary. Few months before the love of my life passed away he started to talk to me about planning our 5 year anniversary and booking a cruise. I just kept telling him we cant afford it right now he so badly wanted to go on a cruise but of course me being so selfish just kept saying no maybe our 10 year anniversary we just cant now. Maybe if we had booked that cruise it would have given Jack another reason to fight harder to stay with us. After he passed away his mother told me he was planning a surprise trip on a cruise for our 5 year anniversary. I am just sitting here thinking if Jack was still with me, then today we would be relaxing on a beautiful ship somewhere in the ocean celebrating the love we have for each other. Instead, I am sitting her alone with a puddle of tears not only because today would have been our 5 years but today also marks exactly 3 months that I have been without my best friend and now rather than being able to see my beautiful husband and hold him and love him I am going to visit him in a place he does not belong and lay flowers on a stone that identifies who he once was in this world A Loving Son, Husband and Father. UUUUHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHUUUUHHHHHHUUUUUUHHH. That is me screaming at the top of my lungs I feel so short of breath today I feel so tired just so tired and I feel everything is just so pointless I feel so weak and that I have lost my purpose in this world. Why even love if in the end it just hurts so much, why even be loved if it does not last forever. When I said I do I believed it would be eternity why did eternity end so soon why. UUUUHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH. Me still screaming at the top of my lungs.Thank you for letting me scream I dont feel better but I still needed to do it. But thank you for listening and I really need help getting past today. Please just some word of confidence to reassure me that life will go on. Thanks so much.

Love,

Sad Sad Very Sad

Marlene

Below is Jack exactly 5 years ago the day we said "I do forever"

Edited February 22, 2008 by mfarah

[kayc]

Marlene,

I can so understand what you are feeling, it is how I have felt, but please do not let guilt enter you at all, you are not responsible for this outcome. A cruise would not have changed it. I still feel the same way I did nearly three years ago when I lost my husband, but I have learned to shut it off to a certain extent and hold it at arm's length so as not to feel it so strongly, to make it easier to handle. It is like I look at my feelings through a cloud because they are too much. I don't know how other people handle this, I only know it is the hardest thing in the world. My feelings have never changed for George, but I've had to learn to go on, I really didn't get a choice, none of us did. To fight it only seems to make it harder on ourselves. I'm too tired to feel angry. It takes something out of you, ya know? I only know he's gone, I'm here, I have to live without him, and so I do. I went through the asking myself or God or the thin air, "why?!!!" and came up with silence for an answer. I learned to quit asking and go on. My life will never be the same again, I will never again lay my head on his chest or smell him or feel him tousle my hair and hold me to him. That was always the safest place in the world to be, when he held me, it felt like everything was alright with the world. That's gone. But I know within my heart that someday I will see him again, someday he will greet me with open arms and I will once again feel that all is right with the world. Until then, I have to go on...

P.S. What a handsome husband, your Jack!

[LarrysGirl]

Oh Marlene, I know you are hurting today. I've also screamed, sometimes still do. Nothing makes sense and all you can do it ask why. None of us knew what lay ahead for us. Hold on today and remember how much you are loved and still love your husband. He's still with you. Take some time for yourself today and rest. Physically the grief makes you very tired. Take care. Deborah

[mfarah]

Kayc,

You are exactly right about everything you have said this is so exhausting it feels like a 24 hour job and with no pay at the end just continous pain that does not stop. Just like you the asking why and the silent air is all I get too but only if our questions can be answered would it be a little easier I dont know I dont think so but it seems that is the only thing that can be said when we are lost in this world without our best friend. I also miss being held by Jack it did feel so safe I always felt he would always protect me and I miss crying to him and he would always say to me "dont worry baby everything is going to be okay" and he was always right everything was always okay no matter how big the problem was. I just want to hear him tell me that again "dont worry baby eveything is going to be okay" it hurts so much not to hear it and not even to feel it. I look at your position now going on almost 3 years and I am just wondering how in the world am I going to make it 3 more years without Jack there is some part of me that wants to believe he is still coming home knowing its not possible I just have not accepted life without him yet the only thing I have learned to accept is how to get minute by minute without him just not the rest of my life. Kayc I just pray that all our lives will somehow someway work out and we all can one day understand the reasoning of why our lives turned out the way they did. I thank you so much for your post and all your helpful words and I just like you know within my heart that I will see Jack again and I cant wait for that day when he can hold me again and I can hear his voice and see his beautiful smile. For now we just need to all pull together and continue all to help each other move away from this dark cloud in our lives. Love always your friend Marlene

[mfarah]

Hey Deborah,

Well I got through Friday it was the hardest day of my life it would have been 5 years of sharing my life with my soul mate but instead it was 3 months of living without my best friend the love of my life. It was not just a horrible day it was a horrible weekend. Natalee (my daughter) had a high temperature all weekend so here I was for the first time by myself having to take care of her sick on top of being depressed we sat at home all weekend did not leave besides to go to the doctor because I wanted her to rest and get better by Monday. Thank God she is doing better now but I just did not feel I was going to get through the weekend every minute felt like an hour and every hour felt like a day. All I kept saying was Jack please come home and help me with our daughter Please come home and make everything better for us in our lives but of course my wishes were not granted and never will be. This weekend made me decide to move I have to move out of our house I can not stay there I am just standing still there everything is still frozen in time. I just have to find courage to tell my in laws that they just lost their son 3 months ago and now I have decided to take their granddaughter far away from them and I feel so selfish having to do this but I really feel no choice anymore in my life. Sorry I am going on and on I have a tendency to do this often. Thank you Deborah for your post I am so glad I have joined this group I really feel you all have become my family and I can share anything I need to here.

[kayc]

Marlene,

Maybe if you let your in laws know that they won't be excluded from your daughter's life it will help them in adjusting to your decision to move...I don't know how old your daughter is, but maybe when she is old enough she could stay with them for a week once a year or maybe they could come visit you or work out something so they can still see her...and of course there's always telephones and emails...