Elizabeth A. Posted March 7, 2008 Report Share Posted March 7, 2008 Okay so, I come here, and I talk with you all... And most of the time I feel better... But in this box, there are painful memories and issues... That I can't seem to work through... I always feel like I'm not ready to post about it... So I let it slither along the ends of my mind. But lately I've been having trouble with mental images. Every time I try to work it through in my mind, I hit a landmine and have to distract myself.It's so nice here. It's like my life before, I really have struggled. We come here looking for answers or a better way to cope, and I feel almost as though bringing this in is like a blood splatter or something.So here in it's completely skin and bones minimum, is what happened. On Dec. 14, 2007 Oliver the husband in our family of friends, killed his two children Olivia age 4 and Magnus age 2 in their beds, either before or after no one seems to know he also killed his ex wife (the divorce was declared in October) (they were married nearly a decade) her partner whom I never knew, in their bed in their apartment across town. He broke into their apartment through a broken window walked through the apartment stepped over the partner's daughter who was asleep on the floor, killed both women and fled the screen, he drove south and just after one of our Florida bridges he shot himself. I tell you I don't understand it. I sat with this family. I knew Magnus from the time he was 6 weeks old. I watched them grow. I watched the love Oliver had for his children. I saw it all. I saw the way Jenn would sometimes look at Oliver when he interrupted her, but what wife is happy with her husband every moment of the day?The news reports and commentary tell of Oliver abusing Jenn, that pains me to no end that she was hiding that, having to keep it all within herself, that she didn't feel she could share. They talk about Jenn's partner and how a man is somehow allowed to go crazy if his wife becomes a lesbian. Why does that play any role here? Believe it or not, Oliver filed for divorce, Oliver took everything, the kids, the house everything. Jenn didn't fight at all she let him have everything! Yes, they had all forms of dept imaginable. But how do you get from all that to the images I can't get out of my head of Oliver walking over to his children's beds and shooting them! I mean did he kiss them first? Did he say goodbye? Did he just walk away? I don't get to know the answers. Nobody does. And though I know I'm not the only one hurting over this, I feel like this cross is getting heavier and heavier.Would you believe he actually called his children’s school to tell the school that they were all going to “have a fun day”? A Fun day!??! Would you believe I realized why my cat Tiny keeps finding me when I cry? She knew them! My cat was a neonatal kitten when we met them. Every time Friday we would go over to their home for Childbirth Classes, I had to take Tiny in the beginning, because she wasn't weaned! My cat was in their house and knew them. Saw them.I trusted this family I respected him. I put my heart and soul's worth of desire into those classes and into trusting them. I can't change that I will be forever grateful to both of them for the safe arrival of my daughter. But every time I try to understand why the images rush in. I've thought maybe if I let the images come maybe they will wash over me and give me an answer any answer to the questions I have, but every time I get stuck with Oliver standing there in that house over his son or daughter and then I don't know what happened, so I get locked into the image. I suppose should be happy, since I've been coming to this website the headaches I'd get every time I'd think about it, are oh 85%-90% gone. But part of me feels like this is worse. This is actually the furthest attempt I've gotten in writing this out so I'm going to post it now, before I decide to delete it. Maybe I’m not looking for answers. Maybe I just need understanding. And if it matters, I do feel sorry for putting this out here like this, but I don't know what else to do. I have hit that wall with my family and friends, you know the wall, the it's been nearly three months. They were only your friends, life moves on so get a move on already. I am expected to be my same old me, but I don't feel like my same old me. I feel like I have a hole in my heart... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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