How Do You Live When You Feel So Bad

[Midnight]

My dad passed away three weeks ago - massive heart attack - age 95

I have tried to go back to work, but my mind is not there. I am not able to concentrate, cant remember things, can't function. The days I did go to work I drive right by the office, and was in the other end of the city and could not remember how to get back to work. Vehicles were honking at me.

But I have been told that on Monday I have to return to work or take illness benefits, and will have to be under a doctors care if I take out my work benefits.

I am only sleeping at night because of my doctor who gave me sleeping pills. There have been days when I did not take them, and the next day was not good.

Now I am at a point where I am so angry I want to scream. I am not a very nice person right now. I picked a fight with my husband last night, over nothing. He asked me where his jeans were and I freaked at him for about 30 minutes. He was shocked. Last week I was doing dishes and he said something to me and I over reacted and threw a pail at him - hit him in the face. This is not me at all. I lost my dad - I cant lose him. He understands what I am going through somewhat - his mom died at the age of 52 (20 years ago) he was 23. He deals with it, by not talking about her. I will not do that with my dad. He will be part of my life everyday - through good times and bad times.

I just want to know how do the others on this board, have the strength to get up and do what they used to do before the death. I am trying to do things, for my husband he has many health problems too, and I dont know what to do to get me up and functioning again.

Thanks for your help....I want to feel better so much but I cant

[shell]

Midnight,

I think you answered your own question. You said that you lost your father, you couldn't lose your husband too. As hard as it is to get through this, the hard, cold truth is that if we care enough about the others in our lives, we can use that to help us keep going. I experienced this after my dad died. I looked around at all my cats (who are my children...yes, I'm one of THOSE people!) and realized that they needed me and that my mood was making them depressed and scared. So I started acting happy around them, even though I felt anything but, and they perked up and it made me realize I had to go on for them. I also started taking an antidepressant, which helped me with my anxiety attacks and made it a little easier to cope. You might talk to your doctor about it.

You need to get all your feelings out and cry and rant and all of that. It's important in order to heal. But we also have to remember the others in our lives and how important they are to us and we to them. For me, it made me more appreciative of the others in my life that stood by me. We just have to be grateful if we have even just one other person who cares, and live for them maybe. It's one reason for us to keep going.

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

I look back now and wonde how i even functioned. i would go to work but i know now that i was not really there. i remenber laying on my bed for 4 hrs just staring at the ceiling. i say by the grace of God i got i survived. i was just exsisting not living for so many months. i then had to make a decision to want to live and go on for my husband and my boys. i finally gave in and took a antidepressant for the anxiety attacks and also severe weight loss. i could not eat. i finally began to sleep, eat and feel human again. it took awhile but it did help. i just had to tell myself everyday that i would and could make it. my mom would want that. i did come off the meds and i did make it. some days are still so much worse then others but i know now that i can make it if i just allow myself to acknowledge that it is a bad day. My priest told me one day that courage is not about "not being afraid" but the strength to keep going. i say this everyday and realize that it is ok to be afraid but i am courageuous b/c i keep going

lori

[Midnight]

thanks for the responses

I feel better knowing I am not alone.

I will talk to the doctor, and tell him what is happening...

Hopefully I can get some meds to get me through the day and in the meantime I have to appreciate the living.

[rosanne]

lorikelly-

I was the same way that you explained, almost like an out of the body thing, you are in your body but not really and your mind is not there, either- I still have awful days. I love your explanation on courage, I will remember that.

Thanks,

Rosanne