Numb At 9th

[lyn]

It's the 9th month, and I feel numb. I should stop counting. I feel like a robot, couldnt feel anything, or am I just trying hard to control the feelings. Deep down it still hurt a lot. A friend asked me how am I doing today, and I told her it hurts like hell. She said, time will eventually heal the wound, and that I should just keep on praying. I told her that I have stopped praying anymore. I dont know. I still have some faith left but I couldnt bring myself to pray anymore. Its good friday, and I should be reflecting on the importance of this day, but I feel passive.

I miss my old self, I miss the way I smile easily at things, the way I love life before. Now, the feeling's gone..just couldnt find any reason to smile anymore.

[shell]

lyn,

It's ok to still feel numb. Nine months seems like a long time, but it's not when dealing with grief. I'm at about nine months too with my moms death (3 years with my dads death) and I still don't feel like my "old" self (except for feeling old!) I don't think we will ever be the same and that's just something we have to accept, I guess. I read somewhere that we just try to get along as best we can without them and I guess that's what it amounts to. We go on and someday we will get back into the flow of life...a different life. But it takes time...a long time, so hang in there! Take it one day at a time and do what you must for yourself to cope.

Hugs,

Shell

[WendyJ]

Lynn your feelings are so much like mine. I already hit the one year mark this month and you know I thought it would be alittle easier from this point on but I am still devastated ! I look at the empty chair next to me when I eat dinner and feel so lonely and cry, I look his empty recliner at night when watching TV and my heart sinks, I look at his picture and am shocked that I will never see him again, I look at the urn with his ashes and can't believe that is where he is now. And you know this all scares the hell out of me that since it has been a year, because I am still having a hard time with this I think I haven't fully accepted it yet and the s*** is going to hit the fan one day and I will go over the edge. So you see you are not alone.

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Lyn

I know what you mean. I reached the year mark this month and I guess I expected something magical to happen. Nope, only grinds in the harsh reality that much more. Twelve months without my beloved. I was for certain I would never survive that long and would have gone to join him by now. But like the rest of us, I'm still standing - hanging on by the tips of my fingers at times. Wendy, like you, I stare at the box of ashes and can't believe this is all I have left to caress. I don't think any of us will be the same person we were before. We have to discover the new person our loss has created.

Suzanne

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

Between the 7th and 9th month seems to be when we all lose it. It is okay that you don't feel like praying right now. God knows your heart and will take care of you. You may not feel it right now but God is carrying you through this. There will come a time you will be able to look back at the darkest moments you have gone through and you will realize that He waas with you every step of the way and carrying you. There were times that the only prayer I had was "God help me I just cana't do it anymore" He listened and has taken care of me. For those of us Christians this is a special time of year, while it is laiden with the death of Jesus, it also glorifies God in his resurection. His rise out of the grave means that we will be able to see our loved ones again some day. For now know that I will be lifting up each of you in prayer as you go through this rough time.

Love always

Derek

[lyn]

My friends, thank you for responding. I have lots of thoughts, want to write how I feel but I am loss for words. Strange. Everything's been a blur lately.

But please know, I appreciate the support you gave me.