Help Me I Am Having The Worst Day Of My Life

[Midnight]

I have no one to talk to right now...I feel so alone and today I am having the worst day of my life since dad died. It has been six weeks since I got the phone call, if I want to see dad alive - get to the hospital.

My head hurts so bad, and I cant concentrate, cant remember anything -

I have had a constant headache for a week, the last two days I have been trying to eat, and all I do is throw up. I am suppossed to be getting a little better not worse.

I feel like I am going crazy - honest - I have never felt like this in my whole life.

I am seeing my doctor in a few hours and I am scared to let him know this or see me like this...

I punched a wall yesterday because I was so mad, and I am still so angry. - not sure why - no reason for it.

I try and try not to constantly think of dad and his last days, but my mind will not let me - no matter what I am thinking - my mind goes back to dad -

I dont want to always think of him the way he was - I keep thinking of the good times, but that is not helping.

I know talking to my doctor will help, but I cant expect him to help me through this, I am hoping that he can give me some meds to help me calm down until I can work through my grief.

Anyway, just wanted to reach out to my only support - and that is people on this site. I so want this pain to go away...right now...I feel so out of control that I am scared -

[MariahC]

I have no one to talk to right now...I feel so alone and today I am having the worst day of my life since dad died. It has been six weeks since I got the phone call, if I want to see dad alive - get to the hospital.

My head hurts so bad, and I cant concentrate, cant remember anything -

I have had a constant headache for a week, the last two days I have been trying to eat, and all I do is throw up. I am suppossed to be getting a little better not worse.

You seem to be putting pressure on yourself. You're trying to rush your grieving. "You are supposed to be getting a little better not worse" you'll have days (or hours, minutes...) when you feel worse than at other times. You won't just go from feeling worse to better. From experience, I find myself feeling bad one day, better the next, but then the day after I can be feeling bad again. I don't think it will always be like this, but you have to remember that your loss is so very recent. Your loss occurred nearly at the same time as mine, so I do recognise (and have experienced) a lot of the emotions and feelings you're describing.

I feel like I am going crazy - honest - I have never felt like this in my whole life.

I am seeing my doctor in a few hours and I am scared to let him know this or see me like this...

I punched a wall yesterday because I was so mad, and I am still so angry. - not sure why - no reason for it.

The loss you've experienced is unique - it can only happen once - so you won't have felt like this at any other time of your life. A loss is individual and unique in the feelings and emotions it causes. I saw my doctor this morning and was completely honest with her about how I was feeling, both emotionally and physically. I would urge you to be honest with your doctor - otherwise how can he/she help you if they don't know how you're really feeling. The anger you're feeling is normal too. I get angry at times too - though I'd recommend punching a pillow instead of a wall.

I try and try not to constantly think of dad and his last days, but my mind will not let me - no matter what I am thinking - my mind goes back to dad -

I dont want to always think of him the way he was - I keep thinking of the good times, but that is not helping.

I've been experiencing this too. My mind has been focussing on the last week at the hospital. This is because the loss is still so recent. The last days are often very, very intense so I'm not surprised that they are dominating your thoughts, as they are mine. I've tried to distract myself with other things and get involved with other things. I went to my local health club today and was given a tour. I will be signing up soon, as sitting at home staring at four walls (when not at work) is not good for anyone, as it gives you time to think too much about upsetting things.

I know talking to my doctor will help, but I cant expect him to help me through this, I am hoping that he can give me some meds to help me calm down until I can work through my grief.

Anyway, just wanted to reach out to my only support - and that is people on this site. I so want this pain to go away...right now...I feel so out of control that I am scared -

Don't forget that doctors are also there to listen to you - not just to dispense meds. Try not to be reluctant to tell the doctor how you're feeling. Remember whatever you tell them is totally confidential. The best way to get help and to heal is to be honest with yourself and other people about how you're feeling. I think you will feel better - it's just going to take some time. Hang in there.

[leeann]

Midnight I think Mariah laid out some very good points.

This grief journey isn't all "one way".

It's more like >>> then <<<< then >>>>> then <<<<<<< then >>>>>>>

Ya know?

And it is still early days yet for you. Take your time...

I think you get a round of applause for calling your Doc. The Doc is a good resource and can help guide you through this. Physically our bodies take more of a load than I think we realize.

I couldn't sleep immediately after finding Mom. Like at all. So by day two I was on Ambien. I stayed on it for probably the first month afterwards. Didn't think about it.. just took it as the Doc assured me my insomnia was kinda normal for what I experienced. He gave me some for another month.. but I didn't take those as much. I have battled insomnia most of my life and I thought... it won't kill me. HOWever.....

Lack of sleep can effect/affect every area of our lives. It definitely made it more difficult for me to express my emotions in a healthy way and impacted my relationships with my spouse, kids and sis. My concentration went down the drain. I wasn't raving or anything... just couldn't be "me" or as close as I could be to the "me" I knew before my Mom passed.

I finally noticed this inner racing going on inside me. I'm hypertensive and have been on high BP meds for years already. So I had a machine at home to check it. And I did... well... it was a teensy high.. lol As in real high and that was ON the meds. That machine also measures one's pulse... and there I discovered one of the reasons why I was feeling this inner racing. Ye old pulse was a galloping and too high.

So I called the Doc back and told him.. I'm trying every self-relaxation technique I know and I can't get my pulse down. So he asked me to come in and talked to me some telling me again... this is "NORMAL" and I probably had some PTSD in addition to the grief itself. He put me on an anti-anxiety med & gave me another script for the Ambien.

And I'll tell ya.. it definitely got easier to function. I took the anti-anxiety med & the Ambien for another month and that I think made a big difference for me. Pulse & BP went back down to normal range etc. And I was able to stop the meds and handle things better.

I mean I still do not have the best concentration ability.. but it is way better than it was in those early days! And yes I struggle with insomnia still from time to time.. well alot of the time.. But I'm managing that without having to go back on the Ambien .. so far anyway.

We're all different and what we need can vary so from person to person & from situation to situation. But without doubt... a Doc can lend us some objectivity and guidance and I hope you feel much better after your appointment.

Also (just had this thought) keep in mind you could just also be sick with a virus or something. I imagine our immune systems take a hit when we are grieving too. Only another good reason to see the Doc.

Truly.. I know how it feels to think one is losing one's mind. I felt that I must have been going crazy for real and I was scared too.

Midnight I'm tellin ya.. you are NOT crazy and again it is "normal" to feel out of control.

It may all be normal but it feels horrendous and miserable & we can understand that here. You are not alone... talk to us here and we will help in any way we can.

Let us know how your appointment went.

((((((((Midnight)))))))

leeann

[Midnight]

I just want to thank you both for the posts. I feel so alone, but with you guys I am not.

Well I am off to the doc. Will let you know how it goes.

[Midnight]

Hi all

Well the doctor visit did not go as I had planned. I had it all worked out in my mind what I wanted to say and how I was feeling, and the moment the doc walked into the room, I totally clammed up and was shaking like a leaf. I had forgotten everything I had wanted to say and I was feeling so out of it.

He asked me how I was feeling and I said fine and he said I know you too well, you are lying. He said if you cant talk to me face to face - he said here is a note pad - tell me how you are feeling -and tell me what symptoms you are experiencing - what thoughts you are having and he said take all the time I need and he went back to his patients. He came back about 15 minutes later and I had written down everything I wanted to say to him. I just clammed up and lost my train of thought.

Then we sat down and talked about my lack of coping skills. The doctor said to me congratulations you are normal and that I am going through the normal grieving process, and he said what the posters have told me, that I am rushing myself into healing, and he said if I do that now, it will hit me even harder years later. I was shaking uncontrollable and he tool my blood pressure - and he said oh my, it is dangerously high.

So I had to lay in bed and he gave me this needle, and a blanket and pillow and that is all I remember.

I woke up two hours after I had come there and I was so out of it, but I felt better. The doctor says sunshine how are you feeling - he was in the same office doing paperwork. (God I hope I was not snoring). He took my blood pressure again and it had lowered to a much better level.

He said I have called your husband and he picked up your vehicle and he said I had a good talk with him, about letting you grieve, and to let you cry if you need to, and that I will have good days and bad days and just to be patient with me. So that will help I hope. My husband has been good, but he hates to see me crying all the time, and having bad days.

Bottom line is that I am on a small dosage of antipressants - the doc dont feel bad to have to take them, that I was not alone - many people have to take them when they are grieving. And I have another supply of sleeping pills.

He wrote me a letter to give to my employer about my having issues with dealing with my dad's death, and he wrote if I need time off to deal with it, he recommends giving it to me, and he wrote me a note to have time off if and when I needed it. So I am not so pressured that I will get into trouble at work, that even is a big relief to me.

And I had to get bloodwork done, to rule out anything else. So I am all worried they might find something else wrong. Even though I have no health issues, not on any meds, but there is a history of heart disease, diabetes and cancer in my family. But like he said, if he does not know what is wrong, then he cant help me. And he is so right about that.

My doctor drove me home after we had a good long talk, and I feel so much better. He said you will feel better soon, you just have to take time to heal and he said with his help that I will be fine.

Just talking to someone who sees it daily and does not judge me like I am a basketcase like certain people in my family.

So I will see him in six weeks, unless he said I need to talk to him sooner.

Thanks to my doc and this forum -Today is going to be a better day - I can feel it.

[leeann]

WOW Midnight!!! Your Doc is golden! He should be cloned!

I am SO glad this went so well for you. What a great idea to have you write things down for him. I know for myself it was very difficult to utter anything other than "I'm fine". I think I actually said "I'm not fine." when he asked during our first conversation after I had found my Mom. And I almost got tongue tied on the "n". lol

Fortunately he was able to ask me the questions he needed to gently and I was able to answer them honestly.... I think because I was kinda feeling so desperate & outta whack.

But your Doc made it so easy for you! What a kind & caring human. He is treating you as a whole person. And the icing on the cake was him talking to your hub AND personally driving you home! That too was going the extra mile.... way more than other Dr's would do. Like it is almost unheard of!

Hope the meds help you along... but if you have ANY trouble.. I would certainly take him up on his offer and call him. You are blessed with a gem of a Dr. and that is a very good resource while going through grief. ANy help we can get is valuable! And his help is stellar.

Yes I bet that today will be a better day for sure! I'm so relieved for you.

(((((Midnight)))))

leeann

[MariahC]

Midnight - I'm really pleased for you! Your doctor sounds like a gem.

His explaining to your husband how he can support you was excellent of your Dr. There's also absolutely no shame in taking medication to help you through. Sometimes we all need a bit of help during really difficult times. It was good to hear that you got to have a proper chat about everything with him.

It's also good that he gave you a complete check up. While grieving one's heatlh can really suffer so it's good to keep a check on everything.

Well done you!

[shell]

Midnight,

I can only repeat what others have said...what a wonderful doctor you have! I would move to where ever you are just to have your doc! I'm so happy for you, and don't worry about your blood work, I'm sure you're fine. Tell your doctor he has a huge fan club!

Hugs,

Shell

[Midnight]

I am so relieved, got my lab work done and its all normal.

I said to my doctor, what I am normal and we both shared a good laugh.

So I am on antidepressants for three months and sleeping pills when I need them.

The docs best advice is not to be so hard on myself, and take time for myself.

So I went and got my hair done, blonde streaks, and a cut and massage.

I feel like a new person.

Today is a good day!

[MartyT]

Good for you, Midnight ~ We all know the old saying that when you look good, you feel good, and you are wise to take time out and time off from your grief to pamper and nurture yourself.

[leeann]

Great News Midnight!

And another round of applause! for all the pampering you have given yourself.

You are an inspiration!

leeann

[shell]

Midnight,

Good for you! It takes courage to do something constructive about your grief and you should be proud of yourself for taking the steps you did. Glad your tests came back normal. Keep up the good work!

Hugs,

Shell