Going Against Therapist's Advice

[AnnieO]

I am struggling with a tough decision right now. My brother recently admitted himself to a treatment center in AZ. He is dealing with anorexia, spending addictions and depression. I am so glad he has taken this step and want to support him in anyway I can. My brother has asked if I can come out to see him either on a visitors day or during family week.(his wife has not decided if she will go, so he would be alone). My grief therapist said I should not go. She wants me to take care of myself and says I need to learn how to set boundaries to protect myself. She feels we have all babied my brother his whole life...probably true. BUT, I cannot turn my back on him now. He and I are all we have left from our family. He and I are the only ones that truly understand the pain of losing our parents. I am not going out to rescue him or to bail him out of trouble. I simply want to go out and support him because he is my big brother and I love him and I will not let him go thru this alone. Am I wrong to not do what my therapist is asking me to do?

[WendyJ]

Annie I am not a therapist so please don't go solely on what I say but I agree with you and can't for the life of me understand what your therapist is thinking. Family is very special in good times and bad and I feel we need to be there for eachother even if it is just a visit to say you care. Obviously since he admitted himself, he wants help and needs support. Two of my cousins had addictions to drugs and alcohol and even though they made promises and fell through on them again and again they did finally get the help they needed and today both are happily married with children and both are now support counselors for other people with addictions. We gave them alot of tough love but alot of support to when it came down to it to let them know either way they were still loved. Good Luck !

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

Annie,

I, too, am not a therapist but I do definately feel that family support is important. It's a visit, you're not taking him out of there. I'm hope he continues with his treatment and I feel support is important. There's just the two of you, so give him a big hug (if you go) and let him know he's loved. Best of luck to you both.

Your friend, Karen

[KathyG]

Maybe your therapist thinks you're enabling your brother's problems by visiting him, or is concerned that you'll get involved with his problems at your own expense. But neither of those things makes sense. Being there for someone who is battling depression and addictions is NOT "babying" them in any way.

It took courage for your brother to admit his problems and seek help. But it's hard to stay brave if you get no support, so he needs you. If he were constantly calling you and acting needy, then you'd maybe need to set boundaries for your support of him. But telling you not to go visit him? That's just way off base.

[MartyT]

Annie, dear ~

I don't know your therapist, but since she seems to be so strongly against your going to visit your brother, I imagine that she has some basis for the advice that she is giving you. If you disagree so strongly with her advice, I would encourage you to discuss it further with her, so the two of you can better understand each other's position on this important matter, and come to some agreement about what you plan to do. As to how your visit would affect your brother's treatment plan, is there any way you can get a member of his treatment team to weigh in on this? What are their thoughts about your brother having family visitors at this time? It seems to me that, since you're not quite sure what you "should" do in this situation (that is, what would be best both for you and for your brother) it would be wise for you to obtain and consider the (more objective) opinions of all the professionals you are trusting to take care of both of you.

[karenb]

Boy, Marty, you are so right. That kind of logic is great - check it out on all sides and then decide. No wonder you do so well as what you do.

Your friend, Karen

[AnnieO]

Thanks to everyone that responded. It was all good advice. I will talk to my therapist again next week and then decide. If I understand her view, its that I have put everyone first for the last 3 years and to start to heal, I have to learn to put myself first and distance myself(for a while) from the people that are "energy vampires"..she says I need all the energy I have for myself right now. I will tell her how I feel and how important it is to me that I go give my brother a hug. And Marty, my brother's team of counselors are sending me a letter with their opinion about what I should do. All of this would take place the last week of his treatment, during family week. Again, thank you all for your kind words and wonderful advice. I will keep you posted.