Lost My Father 2 Weeks Ago

[Tan Sim]

Hi, I am new to hovforum..

I have lost my father 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago today, he was still alived but already very ill. I didn't see the end was coming and still went on as usual to work. This has haunted me ever since and every moments I am repeating those last hours of his life which I werent around to accompany him. How lonely he must had felt though my mom and brother were at home. I always thought how cruel I am to just left him dying. Couldnt seems to forgive myself.

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and sorry, too, to learn of the guilt that you are feeling in the wake of his death. If you spend any time reading some of the posts in this forum, however, I think you will discover that guilt is one of the most common reactions in grief. Just now I typed the word "guilt" into the search engine at the top of our main page, and 22 pages of posts came up, on that topic alone!

Here are three of those threads that I hope you will find helpful:

Feeling Horrible Tonight

I Feel Like I’m Starting to Lose It

Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

[shell]

Tan Sim,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Please, do not feel guilty. Marty is right that just about all of us have felt guilty concerning some aspect of our loved ones death and it is perfectly normal. But you had no way of knowing that he was going to die and you didn't do it on purpose. And when people are close to death, they usually aren't too "aware" of things around them (at least from my experience), so he may not have even known you weren't there. And I'm sure he understands anyway and knows you loved him very much. Go easy on yourself, the long road of grieving is hard enough without beating yourself up about it too. You didn't do anything wrong.

Hugs,

Shell

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, Tan Sim.

I've lost both parents and it's just a complete nightmare, isn't it? I remember commenting the day before the funeral of my father that I now understood why we only have two parents. (My father passed away four years ago Jan 16, my mother will have been gone three years Sept 7.)

My mother was ill and I knew she was going to die, I just didn't know it. I remember going to work that day. I remember her saying that it was getting serious. I remember brushing her off. I remember getting that call at work. And I remember that guilt--maybe because at times I still feel it.

There are days that I've accepted that I was at work. She was my mother for only 27 years. She was my best friend. How on earth could I have dealt with watching her die? I don't think I could have. I was around for my father's last breath, but I couldn't have dealt with my mother's.

But there are days that I feel such guilt that she died alone. My brother was there, but even he didn't know she was gone for about two hours. She just quietly passed away. Why didn't I stay home that day? Maybe I could have saved her. Yet...what would I have saved? She was in so much pain that she just had to be set free. I remember that day. I remember letting go. I remember turning my back on my mother and saying that she was going to die, but she wasn't taking me with her.

She died that day.

I still cry about it. I doubt I'll ever fully stop. I will always have mixed feelings about it. Yet I know in my heart it's the way that I wanted it to happen--to be peaceful, quiet, silent--but I know nothing about it and I not be the one to find her. I did not want to be the one who had to try CPR unsuccessfully. I didn't want to be the one who has the guilt that I was only in the next room when she died and I knew nothing. I couldn't have survived. And maybe you need to ask yourself the same kind of questions.

Shauna