Who Am I, Now That She Is Gone?

[JoeA]

When people ask me “How are you?”, I would like to say, “I don’t even know WHO I am”! Really – who the h*** am I? For 29 years, in our community, in our church, even in our workplace, where we both worked for over 25 years, we were known as a couple. I would never have had it any other way. I am proud of our accomplishments, proud of what we made of our life together. But now I am “one”. I don’t know how to be “one”. The person I was died with her. Who is the person left behind? How do I get to know him?

Thanks for listening,

- Joe

[WendyJ]

Joe I have not been on the site recently as my Mom is back in the Hospital but when I read your post it sounded so much like how I feel, I know exactly how you mean. I was only 15 yrs old when Steve and I started dating and we were married when I was 21. So for 34 years it was Steve and Wendy, we were like two peas in a pod, where one went the other followed. We did everything together and did nothing together. But you know we were the best of friends, knew what the other was thinking before we even said anything we were one whole person together...and now it is just me and to be honest I don't know who I am either without him. I am scared and alone and hurt and missing the other half of me, I will never again be whole. So please don't feel alone, you are not and if you find out how to discover who you are will you let me know please?

Love,

Wendy

[Lily]

Dear Joe - It's really beyond words, isn't it? When you've had that special

and rare relationship with your husband or wife - when you could be just

who you are and know they are always there - where you both could laugh

at a "you had to be there" or just laugh because it was something only

you both shared - stupid but funny and only to you....When you've grown

up with that person, sharing different types of good times over the years;

sharing the problems, offering a hand or shoulder in bad times, when just

a hug felt so good offering support, loyalty, love....Now, I can't even

shop for basics without thinking "for what" - I have no one to share with now - Just today I heard something on tv that Rich had opinions about and

I, for that briefest of moments, forgot he wasn't here when I said out

loud, o my god Rich that's what you used to say...and then thought I can't

share that with him anymore...in the law when husband and wife own properties

in some states they hold it as individuals and as one....and that's how

we become I think over the years of growing and sharing and living...so

how can we live without them and not feel the pain and torment of the loss of someone

wrenched from our lives...I wish someone would tell me. Before he died

Rich asked me to promise him I would do the best I could with the time I

had left. I'm trying but my best isn't very good...it wakes me up in the morning and it gets the things done that need to be done, but that's just

existing and not living and when I get hit with a wallop of reality It's

so overwhelming that I don't believe I want to go on...but here I am.

You keep trying, Joe. Lily

[dpodesta]

Joe,

I was married for only 11 years and still part of me died with Karen. It took me almost 2 years to finally learn who I was without her. All I can say is it is a process. One thing I can say and I speak from experience is don't get into a relationship for at least 2 years. I know right now you are thinking "what?!?! a relationship are you nuts??? that is the furtherest thing from my mind." I thought that as well at first but as time went on that lonely feeling and longing for companionship gets a hold of some people. Getting into a relationship for me stopped the learning process of finding out who I was. I had to learn that first. Now the 2 years is only a guide line each person is different but I found it to be one thing that I just didn't need at the time like I thought I did. Some will go through the rest of their lives and not seek out a relatuionship again and that is perfectly ok. All I can suggest during the time of finding out who you are again is to just take it slow. It is a process that won't happen over night. Keep coming here and we will be here to help

Love always

Derek

[JoeA]

Thank you Wendy, Lily, Derek. I know there are no real answers to these questions, but it's good to know someone is "listening" and caring anyway. Derek - funny, my pastor gave me the same advice (don't start a new relationship too soon), and as you said, my response is "farthest thing from my mind". But the thought of 20 or more years with no companion is also awful. I can't even think about it now. Thanks again,

- Joe

[kayc]

Joe,

You are right, the person you were may well have died along with her, and you will emerge as a new person...it will take time to learn your new identity and explore who you are now, but it will come.

[dpodesta]

JoeA,

You are right right now it is the furthest thing from your mind. It was for me as well but as time went on, I began to long for that companionship again and I was more receptive to dating again. I will tell you for me, before I could really give of myself to date again I had to become okay with being single. I had to want to go out with that person because of her and not because I liked the idea of having a complete family again. I tried dating twice and both times I found that I was in love with the idea of a complete family and not with the woman I was with. For me, I know it will be awhile, but I am okay with that. If I remain single for the rest of my life then great. However I hope to one day find that special person that I will want to spend the rest of my life with again. We will see what happens.

Love always

Derek