Are Women Better At Dealing With Death?

[DesertBob]

I don't know what to make of this article I just stumbled upon but it's s rather interesting point of view.

www.oprah.com/omagazine/200807/omag_200807_men_d.jhtml

It's written by a guy. His observation is that men tend to vastly over-estimate their independence and end up as pathetic train wrecks when their wives die, whereas women tend to fight their way back to normalcy when their husbands die, surprised, apparently, by how much they had UNDERestimated their ability to cope.

I guess I can see how these things might be true of the generation now about 70 plus years old -- because men tended to unnecessarily do everything for women and women tended to mother their men. I'm not sure that's so true anymore.

Interesting, at any rate.

--Bob

[dpodesta]

Either because I am in the younger generation or I am the exception I would have to disagree with the article. I haven't read it yet as I don't have time right now, but I worked my butt off trying to get back to some sort of normal life again and I believe I succeeded. It was not without difficulty but I did accomplish it.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I think whenever one generalizes on such a grand scale as this, they are going to be amiss.

Grief is hard on both genders. I always thought it would be harder on George to lose me, he seemed so dependent on me, whereas I always seemed the strong independent one. Boy was I surprised when his death felt like a trainwreck on me! I found it to be the hardest thing I had yet encountered. Not only because he could lift heavy things, fix things I couldn't, but because his support meant everything in the world to me and it was suddenly gone...no longer having my best friend and greatest fan...that was the hardest part. Whether we are men or women, it is the greatest loss one can face.

[DesertBob]

I think whenever one generalizes on such a grand scale as this, they are going to be amiss.

Methinks you are correct.

I also think that in regard to the woman who was happily married with children whose father had died peacefully / normally after a long happy life -- two years ago -- his remark was also a bit superficial and smug. Yes, objectively she was the person in the room who should have least felt grief. But she was obviously feeling it, because she was, after all, there. It wasn't right to say that she had no reason to be there -- that she was just "taking up a chair".

Bottom line, I think his whole family stumbled into a gathering of older / older fashioned ladies and it wasn't really what the family needed. Mom was probably right to pull the plug and do something else. Of course from that experience the guy is now an authority who can write articles about grief [sigh].

--Bob

[KathyG]

No one can generalize about people's responses to death as the article's author has done. You can't know how easy or hard it will be for anyone to recover from losing a loved one, unless you're very familiar with that person's personality, life experience, background, etc. - and even then he or she may not behave the way you expected.

However, if women really do show more strength in recovery from a loved one's death, it may be because they usually have more role models for responding to loss. Statistics in many studies show that in most cases, the male partner in a heterosexual relationship tends to die earlier than the female. So most bereaved women know one or more other women who have lost a partner, parent, or child and learn from their experience.

For example, my mother lived for 24 years after my dad's death, and a close friend of mine also lost her dad around the same time I did. We watched our mothers remake their lives, and we observed what worked and didn't work for them in terms of dealing with grief. I didn't understand how much I had learned about dealing with loss until my own husband passed two years after Mom's death. And I've been made stronger by realizing that if my mother could survive on her own for so long, I can do it too.

[dpodesta]

I have also found it seems that the man dies first. When I went to the grief support group in my area for the adults as well as the children there were only about 3 or 4 that were going on my night all of the rest out of about 20 of us were women. I don't know if it is because men don't want to deal with their feelings and stuff them in rather than face them by going to a group or if it really is because men die more often. It is harder for me to find a single dad in my situation than it is to find a single mom. On this site it seems the same way.

Love always

Derek

[jackietnd1]

Hi everyone,

I am not not sure if this is corret, howeVER I am havomg a hard time not sure if woman have a easier time I am not. it is getting better however I am having a difficut, I could not read the aritcle and would like to. I am alone and feeling however all is well. thanks for being here for me.

Love you all.

Jackie

[kayc]

Kathy made a very good point...role models can be very useful to us, seeing what works and what doesn't...however, even if we don't have a parent that's paved the way, we do have each other, here on this site. One of the reasons I have been so open about my mistakes is in the hopes that others would look at that and not make the same ones. If I can spare even one of you the pain of my mistakes, then at least it wouldn't have been totally in vain! So you see, we are not only a support for each other, but we can model behavior...for better or worse, remembering that what works for one doesn't always work for all. I look at Karen as a role model for myself, even though she's been at this less time than me. She has adjusted pretty well, she has a very positive attitude, she has filled up her life with people and activities and has contented herself with her warm memories...that may not work for everyone, but it has worked for her, and as such, is worthy of our consideration.

I honestly don't think this is necessarily a gender thing so much as a personality and role thing. Some were more dependent on their spouses than others, as such they will have a larger adjustment in that area. Some were together a lifetime and as such, it will be quite the adjustment to living on their own and discovering who their own identity is. Some, like myself, were so close to their spouse that they could read each other's thoughts and we complemented one another in such a way as to create one balanced whole...as such, it will be quite the challenge learning to live without that. Whatever our adjustments are about, whatever our gender, it is neither quick nor easy, but can be done. I love you all and support you in your journey.

KayC

[LoriW]

I've not lost a spouse or a significant other, I don't think it can be generalized. However, had my Dad been the one to pass away, I believe my Mom was much more equipped to handle things better. She did everything...paid the bills...housework...cooked...entertained, his world at 64 years old was turned upside down.

I'm sure her grief would have been just as intense as what my Dad has gone through.....but I don't believe she would have turned her back on her children...inlaws and friends. I think his grief has never been dealt with...he's just tried to cover it up....it's a personality thing.