Need All The Advice I Can Get

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

I really need you all so much, I am lost and tormented day after day of what to do. My beloved Dan will be gone a year this month on the 20th, I am trying to plan a big memorial at the park, eating, watching a video we made, playing volleyball, letting some yellow balloons go(with messages inside)There is only one problem, my sister in law!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 2 sister in laws. The one sister in law, we never have gotten along, she puts me down, says her brother this, her brother that, he was her only brother(her baby brother, etc) She feels obligated to tell me all the time this is her brother and she had him 41 years, and I am not in the family, etc. etc.I was married to her brother for 20 years and with him 4 years before that and we have 3 wonderful children together. She tells all who will listen, what a drama queen I am, how she was there for her brother (he was in Hospice for 3 months and they did not even know he had 2 sisters)then she procedes to tell me how her brother called her everyday to tell her he loved her and even when he was dying he did this. I tried confronting her with her lies, I changed my phone number, I have moved, I block her e mails, I have gotten a restraining order on her and since lifted it, she now is e mailing our youngest daughter and totally bashes me and continues to live in her facade of all her support she gave her brother(our kids, nieces, his parents,his other sister,me, we were the ones who were there day and night) I was the one who bathed him, picked him up when he fell, stayed at the hospital(ICU) day in and day out, was at Hospice and never ever left(people brought me clothes)for 3 months I stayed with him!!! I watched him take his last breath. She is tormenting my mind and continues to make up and say so many untrue things. I can't take her bs anymore, I need some help, this is driving me so insane,I am getting sick, can't work, get headaches all the time. Support groups that I have top attend, and dr's do not help either. Thank you all, Kim

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Kim,

Blow her off, forget her. You know the real truth of what you did for your husband. The woman sounds psychotic & delusional to me. Take care of yourself & your family. If she's mailing your daughter lies, stop it.

Its interesting what happens with the in laws after a spouse dies. Mine, the father, brother, sisterinlaw, & niece have not contacted me ONCE since my Pat died. The Dad part I'm not surprised about, for he never liked me, but the others? I'm not sure which is worse, being hounded, or ignored.

Love, Vickie

[Guest moparlicious]

Vicki,

Thank you for your support, I am going to try to do just that, blow her off I have tried to tell her nicely and not so nice to leave us the hell alone, and do not do that to Dan and our daughter for she is only 17 years old and has been going through hell everyday without her dad. I wonder if Dan's sister realizes while she is trying for hero of the year,her niece won't have her dad at any more holidays, he won't be there at her high school graduation, or see her walk down the aisle? She is a selfish, ignorant person, I'm glad someone else can see and I know I am not going crazy. I never denied she loved her brother, for I know this is true. What can be her problem? Guilt? Anger? I don't know? Why am I trying so hard to figure it out? So many questions??? God and I know the truth and that is so important. Love, Kim

[MikeC]

Hi, Kim

It is a shame you have to be subjected to your sister-in-law's crap when you've got to deal with all the "normal" stuff that accompanies grief. It might be that a lot of her behavior is fueled by the fact that she wasn't part of Dan's support group when he needed it the most. Are you on good terms with the rest of Dan's family, and do they know what a pain in the a$$ she is being?

At any rate, I agree with Vickie. Go ahead and have the memorial in the park (it sounds like a wonderful way to honor Dan) and if she shows up, ignore her.

Mike

[Lily]

Kim - As hard as it may be, try to ignore that sister-in-law. If she's doing what she's doing and it's irrational and unjustified, then you know that

nothing you do will change her actions or thoughts - you're only letting

it hurt you and you don't need more hurt. You have to do what will make

you feel better or less hurt - same thing I guess - You said it when you

said he was your husband for 20 years and you had three children together -

you and he and your children - that's your family...and so what if she

thinks she was there for him - you know the truth and if others believe

her and not you - so what - you know and Dan knows - so, really, what others

think or think they know doesn't really matter. Lily

[Guest moparlicious]

Mike,

Your so right on all you said. Yes, I am on good terms with everyone else in the family, she calls her mom though and tells her what a lousy mother she is for choosing her daughter in law over her own daughter, I am in no competition with her and don't want to be. She says she is not coming to the memorial, because of me. She also is asking for some of her brothers cremations,I only have partail cremations, for I donated his body to Life Legacy. I proudly display my green ribbon wherever I go(this means, organ, tissue and eye donation) Your right Mike, this is her guilt and she needs to deal with and stop this crap.I go through hell everyday without my Dan, for I love him and miss him more than life itself. He was world, my strength, my inspiration and meaning in life for breathing (as well as our kids) I am so blessed to have all of you, thank you. Love you guys, Kim

Lily,

So true, I am going to try to go with that attitude, who cares what others think when I know the truth. I just want to let you all know how special you all are and having all of you in my life is a true blessing, when we all are hurting so much. No one else really understands what we go through, but each other. You all are great and I am thankful for this site. May God Bless each and everyone of you!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Kim

[mlg]

Kim,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I think most of us expect some distance from the in-laws once our loved one is gone because after all we weren't part of the "original" family, but the way she is treating you is terrrible. Some people just have to be the center of attention and you just have to let them go. Most people see right through it and see what fools they are making of themselves. Maybe if you sat down and wrote her a letter saying that you "appreciate" everything she did and you know how much she loved him and misses him. Also tell her you don't know what you did to upset her so,but you would appreciate it if she would quit emailing your daughter with such negativity about you. Tell her it is upsetting her and she stands the chance of turning her away and that would be another loss of part of her brother. Try to say things in a matter of fact and calm way rather than rebellious way even though it may be hard. Choose your words carefully. Let her know how much you loved her brother and how sad you think this situation would make him. By putting it down in writing you do not have to confront her and listen to her rage and maybe it will make her think about it.

Also can you talk to the other sister with anger and see if she could say something because it hurts you so. Don't push her in the middle because it isn't her battle. Even though it has been a year you are still raw and the numbness is wearing off.

I know I was very angry at certain people in my family because I didn't think they supported Tom or me during his illness, but then I realized bitterness only makes us ugly too and doesn't help anyone. Just take those baby steps.

Also good luck with your event. I hope it goes well and the weather is good.

I don't know if I could watch the video or not but it's only been 6 mos for me and I still have a hard time looking at pictures and videos. It makes me miss Tom so much, but each of us handles it the best way we know how.

We are having a beer and wine tasting with the proceeds going for pancreatic cancer research near his birthday and I am sure there are many ways others have honored their loved ones

((((((Mary Linda)))))

[JoeA]

Kim –

Of course you’re in the family. It sounds like Dan’s sister is dealing with a load of guilt, and there is no way you can help her with that. You’re dealing with enough. Focus on the rest of the family. It sounds like they care for you and they know the truth. Have your memorial, it sounds like a great idea, and just focus on the memory of Dan, and his very real presence in those who are there that were truly a part of his life.

Peace to you,

- Joe

[kayc]

Kim,

Could you renew that restraining order?

Seriously, it sounds like she is very jealous and she's not likely to change. Trying to ignore her is your best bet, but that may be difficult. I hate to have her spoil what should be a wonderful day. You could maybe tell her she is not invited and why, but you know her tirade will never end. I don't know, maybe we could all take turns trading our unlovely relatives, I have a couple I don't know what to do with either! I'm sorry!

I hope your memorial day is very special!

Love,

KayC