Nothing Makes Sense.

[father's daughter]

My father passed away last week at the age of 74. Although he had a heart condition, he died on sepsis that supposedly started by his toxic liver from his heart medication and shut down his kidneys and eventually heart. I'm having a difficult time to adjust. I see his death as something that didn't have to happen if doctors were more careful or were moving much faster in the emergency. I blame myself that I underestimated his condition and didn't push harder at the emergency. I loved and love my dad very much and now I'm worried about my mom. My parents were married 51 years and were very dependent on each other. Because of my dad's heart condition, they were doing everything together. I have 2 1/2 old son and a husband so I know I should devote my attention to them but what about my mom? My story is even more complicated by the fact that we immigrated to this country together and that because I spoke English, the roles partially reversed. I would take care of most of my parents' affairs in English. Now my mom doesn't drive and the easiest would be to bring her to our home. My grandmother is still alive although in a state of dementia and she lives my mom. My dad used to tell me that if something happened to either of them that I was not to take the second one in. That it would ruin my life. I'm also pondering about the reason why we are here if we should live with a grief and sorrow for the rest of our lives.

[Cindi]

Dear Father's Daughter: Please allow me to offer my sincerest condolences. I lost my 73 year old mother 11 months ago. I too, had a bad experience with the hospital staff. When my mother began having seizures, I took the day off to go have it out with the hospital staff. What they told me was that she was scared. We ultimately brought her home but took her back to the hospital again, home again and then back to the hospital to find out that the seizures had injured her brain beyond repair. We ultimately had life support removed and we lost my dear sweet mother 10 days later.

I have been beating myself up because I was the one who always took care of the medical issues with my parents. Had I had more time from work and been able to stay with her at the hospital, maybe we could have figured out what went wrong. I feel like I let her down.

My mom and dad have lived with us for the last twelve years. My dad is still here and it has been just as painful to see his grief after losing his one and only after 55 years.

I really feel your pain. If it would make it better to have your mom and grandmother move in with you, I don't see why you should not do it. Having my dad here makes my mom seem closer.

I have suffered tremendously over the loss of my Mom. Now, I am very protective of my dad. I had a wonderful childhood because of them and would be remiss if I did not give back what they both deserve from me.

Do what your heart tells you to do. Although I believe your dad's comment about not taking your mom and grandmother in was a way of protecting you from becoming a caretaker, you also have to have the comfort of knowing you are doing what feels right to you. Good luck and God bless!

Cindi

[mlg]

Dear Cindi and Father's Daughter

I am sorry for both of your losses. I hope you both quit beating up on yourselves because there are some things that are beyond our control. Unless you are watching someone 24/7 and have some medical knowledge there is probably no way you could have known anything and none of us are that super human.

Father's Daughter, I'm sure that your father was thinking of the old addage that a house is only big enough for one family. You don't say if your mother and grandmother now speak English and if your mom is pretty well self sufficient. If she is you may want to let her try it on her own because believe me after just having lost my husband you need things to distract you and maybe caring for your grandmother and her house would help her do that.

Talk with her about what she wants to do. Don't just tell her what she's going to do. If you live fairly close and it sounds like you do let her know you will always be glad to help her. My mom is now 82 and does well taking care of herself. I think if I had brought her to live with me, we would probably have killed each other and she would have lost a lot of her independence. Just take your time making any decisions. Your emotions are too raw right now. Taking your mom in won't bring your Dad back.

May God bless you and guide you in making the right decisions.

Mary Linda

P.S. Don't forget to bring your husband in to this equation because you don't want it to put your marriage in a dark light.

[leeann]

(((Father's Daughter))) Welcome & Hugs for you.

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear father.

"Nothing makes sense" oh yeah.. I well remember that feeling. It seems like we enter some other parallel universe for awhile after we lose someone. Like we are looking out at others from somewhere else. And in a way that's true.. unless someone has suffered a significant loss.. how can they really know what it is like to walk in our shoes? I found I could get quickly overwhelmed in the beginning so I tried really hard to take everything a minute or an hour or a day at a time.

Life as we knew it with our loved one beside us is over.. and a new life begins. I found grief is a difficult journey... but it has it's gifts as well. But it is a whole lot easier, I have found, to share it here with those I know understand.

The blaming of yourself..the guilt.. you mentioned..these are very common and kinda "normal" things to feel. Many of us here have felt these things as well.

(I found that just reading many of the posts here helped me to see that many, many of my feelings were extrememly common and 'normal'.)

It sure sounds like what your Dad had was a bit complicated and less than obvious. And if the Doctors and medical staff were having a hard time figuring it out what was going on with him.. how could you possibly have known? Also..perhaps all the pushing in the world may not have led to a different outcome. These things are something we really will never know.

I found if I kept asking "What if I did this or that?" led me into feeling worse than I already felt. I learned to let go of the What ifs because they really were very unproductive for me to dwell on and certainly didn't ease my inner pain of loss and in fact could hinder my progress on this grief journey. But nonethless.. many of us have been through those feelings too so you aren't alone.

I too found initially I was very concerned about my Mom after my Dad passed. They were married over 50 years as well. I always asked her if she wanted help with particular things in the beginning. Like she wanted and needed help with all of the "Thank You's" after the funeral. But.. she didn't want help going through his clothes & things. That job she preferred to do on her own and I honored that.

I felt best always asking her what she needed help with. This gave her the option to accept help or say "no thanks". I wanted her to feel that she had many choices & could be as independent as she desired yet I was there for her if she needed me.

MLG brings up a great point in that I found it was much better to keep the lines of communication open with Mom. Yes I found talking with my Mom over various issues was best.

After my Dad passed, my husband told me within a few days to feel free to offer our home to Mom if she wanted to come live with us. And we as a couple did have that conversation with my Mom within a few weeks of Dad passing. She said thanks but she would like to try to stay on her own as long as she could. So.. again.. we respected that and continued to keep open communication with her so she could always ask for any help or we could pick up on some things she may have needed help with but was having trouble asking for that help.. if you know what I mean?

She always wanted us to come visit and "relax" not work around the house. But there were things we knew were just way easier (and safer) if we helped her to do. So.. we had to get good at what I call "stealth help".

Plan was: I keep her company chatting in the kitchen while hub & son sneak out to trim bushes in the yard or clean gutters.. etc. Now we didn't "work" every visit.. because that would have been soemthing she didn't want. So just every so often as odd jobs came up or things needed repair we just hopped in there and did them And we never "worked" an entire visit.. just some part of it. She really wanted our company most. So it was a balance. And in time she got more comfortable asking for help.

Course we didn't live that far apart distance-wise.. only maybe a half hour drive. So it depends on your circumstances too how you proceed in the future.

They ("they" being grief experts) say that it is best if at all possible not to make any major moves in your life until at least a year has passed since the loss. So if you all can.. just make smaller decisions and try to leave the bigger ones, like where to live, for later.

I am sure your Dad meant well, like MLG said, and he wanted you to have your own life.. perfectly understandable thing for a Dad to say and want. But in time, really, your Mom and you and your husband will be able to find the best arrangement for all involved.

But right now.. it is so early yet in your grief journey. Perhaps just being "present" as much as you can without over-doing yourself and still keeping your child and husband your top priority, may be just the thing for right now. Take things slowly if there is no rush. This is hard .. so very hard.. so go as easy as you can.

Father's Daughter you said:

I'm also pondering about the reason why we are here if we should live with a grief and sorrow for the rest of our lives.

Oh hon, I hear your pain and I can still feel it myself.

But one thing that helps me cope with that pain is remembering that:

First.. Love never dies.

The second thing that helps me greatly is, remembering that I wouldn't hurt so badly if I wasn't loved so well and loved well in return. The pain I feel is exactly related to the love I was blessed to experience with them.

And third, I have learned that whenever I experience a significant loss.. I learn so much about how to be a better human and live this life and how to love even better.

I have learned there are gifts that come with the pain too.

We are here for you and please feel free to come back here and share your thoughts and feelings. I have found this is such a comforting place and it has helped me so much.

So I'm happy you found us here.. but so sorry you had to.

leeann

[shauna marie]

(((((Father's Daughter)))))

My heart goes out to you. It's not an easy thing to deal with, for sure. And you have quite a bit on your plate.

Regarding the hospital staff, if you really truly feel there was negligence, you could speak to a lawyer about it. I do know that sepsis, even diagnosed and treated immediately, is life-threatening; especially amongst those with weakened immune systems, babies, and elderly people. My guess would be that the doctors did everything that they could.

I have 2 1/2 old son and a husband so I know I should devote my attention to them but what about my mom?

What about YOU? Are you really in a position to take on the care of two other people, one of who is grieving herself and the other which has dementia, which is a 24-hour job in itself? My grandfather moved in with us and eventually got dementia. It contributed to the early deaths of my parents, for sure. It was a nightmare.

Also, your mom might want to stay on her own, or might want to move to a senior's home. There, she could have a lot of people around her who are in the same boat as her. I think you should definitely talk to her, your husband, and give it time before making any hasty decisions. If you ultimately do decide to move her/them in, keep it all in check. If there are any unforseen problems, perhaps you could then make changes.

I'm also pondering about the reason why we are here if we should live with a grief and sorrow for the rest of our lives.

The death of a parent changes things, for sure. However, it doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life in grief. Think about your husband and son. I would hope that was a joyous day for you and I am sure that he will bring you joy the rest of your life. I don't have kids myself, but I can see how our parents live on through us and kids. People leave, people come. I see my life as chapters of a book. Or adventures, even. It doesn't mean that I forget things, but things have different impacts on my life as I move on.

Take care,

Shauna

[MariahC]

Hi father's daughter,

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad.

I felt compelled to reply to you because I know all about Sepsis. It was what ultimately took my father 5 months ago.

Sepsis is very difficult to spot even for the medical profession. It is an extremely serious condition. You had no way of knowing that he had it. Sepsis can come on very quickly and is very difficult to treat, especially if the patient's immune system is already weakened.

Please don't beat yourself up about what happened. I did this earlier this year and it made things so much more difficult. From what you've said you did everything you could for your father. I know from personal experience that is is very difficult to except that we don't have control over things. I often used to wonder "if I'd did this or taken him to a different hospital, would it have made a difference", but I've learned now that this thinking can make you ill. Sometimes no matter what we do we can't change things.

Be assured that the feelings of guilt you've described are totally normal. Most of us on this board have experienced similar feelings.

With regards to your mother, do let her know that you are there for her and that you will help out any way you can.

With best wishes,

M.