Normal?

[carrieboo]

It was 2 years yesterday that my fiance passed away. I was kept busy, however I tend to either get irritable or flip out at my current partner, and that is what happened today...its like my greif has turned to major irritability with everything going on in my life...I don't want to push him away but I worry thats what will happen

I know I have alot to be thankful for in my life, but I just can't seem to be happy about it...I sometimes start to feel hatred towards my new life, I don't know how to stop that.

[dpodesta]

Carrieboo,

That is a hard one to overcome. I have found that I get irritable as well from time to time and it has been 2 1/2 years. In my situation, because of my wife's death I am now financially in good shape. I am not rich by any means as I had to file bankruptacy however because of that and the little bit of life insurance I got to keep, I am no longer living check to check like we were before. For once I have money left over at the end of the month. So there are a lot of times that I feel guilty about this. Here I am living without having to worry about where the funds are going to come from to pay the next bill that arrives. Most of our marraige was struggleing with bills and she didn't get to enjoy what I enjoy now. Granted it is different in that I am not angry but it is one of those things that we have to deal with. You are right there is a lot to be thankful for i your life as well as mine, try and work through the anger, find out where it is coming from and work through it. I know that is a difficult thing to do, but you can do it and then things will get better for you.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Carrieboo,

Do you know WHY you feel irritable? Do you feel bad that your new partner is alive while your old one died? Feelings don't have to make sense, so there's no sense in feeling guilty about how you feel, feelings just ARE and they leave you to deal with them! Maybe realizing that if it was reversed (if you had your new partner first and he died and you had your late fiance now), you might still have these feelings, just reversed. It's not that you don't love your current BF, it's the feeling guilty about leaving the other one in the past. Try incorporating your late fiance into your current life a little more, maybe write him a letter, plant a rosebush in his memory, donate to a fund in his honor, something that says, "I remember you, you're important to me"...it might leave you more able to enjoy the present with your current partner.

Okay, maybe none of that made sense to anyone else, but it does to me!

Edited September 25, 2008 by kayc

[carrieboo]

Thanks for the replies Derek adn Kay...

I do incorporate "him" and close friends of his into my current life, I donate to things in his name, and have a scrapbook/pictures in my current place.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty, I think part of me knows that a few others found it too early for me to move on, again I know I shouldn't be concerned with what others think, but for some reason this bothers me....and also part of it is probably from me recieving financial support as a result of his death, part of me hates that, and that this money is the cause of arguments between his family and I, sometimes I wonder if there were no money involved I wouldn't have so much guilt.

[kayc]

carrieboo,

Try to let go of the guilt, know that he would want you to be happy and cared for, and you're right, it shouldn't matter what others (who haven't been there) think. If you find yourself continuing to struggle with guilt, please go to a grief counselor and get help with laying those concerns to rest. It is not that you are "benefiting from his death"...dismiss that thought! You haven't benefited at all! It has been a huge loss and adjustment, and if he were still alive, you would have received far more benefit! Most of us get life insurance because we do not want our loved one to suffer financially on top of everything else they have to go through, when we die. It is a considerate caring thing to do! And if you have found someone who enhances your life, more power to you! Go for life, and do NOT concern yourself with other's opinions about what they know little about! His family should want you to be as happy as possible and should share your late fiance's concern for your well being.

[shhh65]

Kay,

Thank you for that post. Insurance money is something I never wanted to redeem. I would much rather have Harry right here, retired, and enjoying our life together after having worked his behind off since he was a kid. I appreciate your perspective. I do know that he would want me to find happiness as I would have him if things were reversed.

Sherry