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Another Month Has Gone By

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i have never realized how quickly time goes by until my mom died. i still cannot believe it was 9 months ago today that we were called to the hospital and that about 11:30 a.m. we watched her slip away. i just can't get through this and am not sure who to talk to, except all the kind people here who listen to me and offer words of advice. Her birthday is the 18th of this month and that is going to be so hard. i always knew this day would come, someday....i just never expected it to be now. If only i would have known, i would have visited her more often, stayed longer, i just can't stand this. How one person can impact others lives like this, i just never thought it possible. The funny thing is, when i feel this empty feeling inside, which is all the time, at least i am feeling something. Does that make sense? I keep praying for her to send me a sign....but nothing yet. I did have a dream about her finally. It was no big deal, just her at her house being her normal self. But it was nice, when i woke up to realize i did see her again. Some days i feel like i am losing my mind and this can't have happened. But i know it did and i don't know how to live without her in my life. I will take her flowers today, i always do on the second of every month. Mom, I miss you so much.

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Since I can't reach you I hope this will help. Just take time today on the 18th to do the things that will comfort you the most. I admire the fact that you take flowers the 2nd of every month. I can't even visit my husband's grave regularly because it upsets me so much. I have been able to go a little closer together the last couple of times. I used to do something special for him on the 6th of every month because we were married on the 6th. It may just be eating on the "good" dishes but always did something until 34 years ago when I had our daughter on the 6th and figured I couldn't top that. The last several years I had started it up again so I think if I went on a certain day it would make me feel worse.

Just keep doing what you are doing and come here for help and hugs.

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I know you are having a rough time right now and as hard as it is we must go through all the milestones. Getting through them....sometimes just by existing....sometimes by crying for hours....and yes, sometimes by laughing we begin to heal.

You are only 9 months into your grief. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be okay on certain days. I often found myself, within the first year of my Mom's death, much more at peace on that "dreaded" day. It was often times the days that built up to that day that were much worse.

I can remember getting really worked up about the 1st year of the date of my Mom's death, when in actuality the day prior to that was much worse. Just know that missing someone and grieving that loss is never easy. You will be okay and one day the hurt may ease a bit. I never thought I would be where I am at after my Mom's death in 2005. I'm now coming up on 3 years without my Mom. I think of her every single day....every day. I spoke of her to a friend the other day and I could feel the tinge of sadness and missing her, but I know that she'd want me to carry on and remember her with a lot of smiles and laughter.

You're in my prayers.

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I think that every little step, every month helps the grieving process. Do whatever you have to to help yourself get through it. My Dad just died 8/31/08 but my Mom died in 1975 when I was 12, on 10/8 and that day always seems like it will be terrible - but like someone else said - its always the day before (today) or if someone mentions that date that gets me.

Please give yourself a break, there is no rule book for grief, and I bet you will have more dreams about your Mom, I sure did.

Big Hugs.

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((((Deb)))) you aren't losing it.. you are just grieving. * months, 9, 10, etc>>> Doesn't matter. Your feelings are your feelings and they are all acceptable. You loved her well and she you.. that's why it hurts like this. It's ok.

Aaronkatie is right.. every month we get through is another one behind us. Gradually we heal. In tiny increments at times. But we are all moving forward and that is something to keep reminding ourselves... we are indeed doing life without our loved ones right here. It isn't easy..nope.. not at all. But you are doing it Deb so be proud of how far you have come.

Aaronkatie ((((Hugs)))) for you too. I'm so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your Dad and the loss of your Mom too. And I too have more trouble leading up to an anniversary than the actual day itself most times. Don't know why that is.. but it's how I cope and I guess anything goes as long as we get through it, no?

I'll be thinking of you today as you remember....


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