Guest Mrs.Charley Posted October 11, 2008 Report Share Posted October 11, 2008 I have, as I mentioned in another post, been absent from this wonderful community for the most part, since my husband's death two years ago.While I have just, in the last couple of days come back and actually took the time to read and post abit, I have come to my opinion that this is a wonderful community. Unfortunately, as it is, filled with those experiencing all and more kinds of grief and various levels of it.I have been dealing with my grief, for the most part completely alone. It is a hard, inconceivably hard, to those that haven't experienced the loss of a loved one, but I keep muddling through it.One thing I HAVE come to realize, while doing some "inner work" of self analization, is that I have, w/o being willing to admit it until now, pushed those that DID care right out of my life!WHY? That's the question I'm still uncovering the answers to.I have been horrible to alot of those I care about...for example...my sister.She and I, coming from a VERY disfunctional family, had just after Charley's death, been able to rebuild the relationship we had in our childhood.Given all the "other stuff" that came with Charley's death, the reason for his death, the financial aspects, coping with everyday necessatries like paying the utilities, etc. she tried to help me understand that remaining here in this area, Charley and I had moved to, was only going to bring more of the same financial hardship and distress.I know at this point, I'm not making myself clear, so please bear with me...Even before Charley's death, this area was NOT what we thought it was going to be for us. Suffice it to say that this "culture" in this small(blink and you will misss it)town in an area of the country that is seemingly stuck in a time warp of backwards thinking, was absolutely opposite from what Charley and I thought this area would be.People here are so very predjudiced against race, women(still believing that a woman's place, blah, blah, blah) and anything that before I had considered "normal". I now refer to this place as the "twilight zone" and not with any humor attached.My sister, having heard all of the things Charley and I had encountered before his death, and then me after his death, urged me to move back to where we lived most of our lives. I tried and tried to do just that...but with the real estate market taking such a nose dive, my house didn't sell until after a year on the market.Finally! I thought I was finally going to get OUT of here. I wanted to move back to a place that Charley and I had called home for about four years, filled with good memories.I had owned and operated a successful dog grooming shop there and knew I could restart it and probably have some of the same level of success. SO.... I put a bid on a house there, the house came back with a "cloud" on the title and couldn't be removed in time, as I was running out of time to vacate my now SOLD home.I was frantic, and w/o getting into all of "the rest of the story", my sister had just purchased our parents home(our mother is in a nursing home and father is deceased). She had done this on the sly, and I was floored with the "why's" she had kept this from the rest of the family, but put my feelings aside for the time being.Since I was basically out of time, I called her and asked her if she would rent me that house for a short time, so that I could take a bit more time to decide what to do. Understand that I couldn't just rent ANY house, as I have four Great Danes, and an ageing Airedale Terrier(16.5!), and though very well behaved(Danes are ex-show dogs), even the most tolerant landlords wouldn't even consider it. So, hence my call.It was hurtful when her words were..."I'll have to think about it", I stupidly expected her to say "of course" and run to my aide...didn't happen. So w/o giving her anytime to change EVERYTHING she had already planned for that house(had tenants lined up), I USED that, I believe that now, to remain in this area that I honestly do hate.Now, I never used to be fearful of change, but as many have experienced, I believe, after a horrendous loss, WE change. So, not understanding that at the time, I literally pushed my sister away, by closing her off and saying some very hurtful things to her.Then, the VERY weird thing happened, the place I wanted to move back to had a historic flood, washing away over 70-80 homes, and yep! You guessed it, including the very home I had wanted to buy. Had I gone forward with my move, I would have lost everything. I haven't spoken to my sister since our call before the flooding(no she doesn't live in the flooded area). I did call and got her answering machine today, and left her a message that I would like to talk to her and gave an apology for my previous actions. But...I hold out little hope that she will call me back, I pushed her right out of my life.JUST as I have done to everyone that has cared about me, my son, my daughter, my friends I had made here, yep...everyone.To put in better fashion...I have been a real "B". And even though I know that our grief is life-changing, it has caused me to do and act in ways I do not recognize of myself.I am working on that as we "speak" in writing this post. I am making the decision to find "Me" again, the Me that existed even before Charley(we were married for 10 years). Now...I don't mean all literally, but the parts and pieces of me that I have chosen to push down into this deep hole I now call my existance.I don't want to feel like the victim anymore, and that is exactly what the anger I've held surrounding Charley's death's cause has done to me. Made me so angry that it spills out to those I love in ways too horrible to mention here.I am asking today, to each in turn, to try and forgive me, and of myself, I'm trying to forgive myself for it was I that urged our move here to this God-forsaken place to be closer to my daughter. I know now that continuing with that guilt is eating me up...so today I'm trying to release it, by forgiving myself.The very idea, as someone posted in response to me stating my guilt, that even w/o our move here, that the same thing may have happened to Charley(his death) anyway...I hadn't given much creedance to...until now.I had always believed in the past, that everything happens for a reason, well, as hard as it is to try and accept there is a "reason" for Charley's death, it is what it is...my horrible loss.So, forces came into play, to disallow my move when I SOOOO wanted to leave, and maybe THAT was for reason too.I need to work on ME, and reconnect with the me I can still recognize, that will take alot of time, I realize that.Meanwhile, I purchased another home here(didn't have enough time to find anything else out of this area), one that should, when finished with the redo, net me enough to leave here finally. It's slow going and hard, as I struggle daily to make ends meet and try to find money to fix this house. But, I am now mortgage free and a bit better off. At least now I know I will have a roof over my and my dogs head while I work on getting out of here...and most importantly...on myself. And, again ironically, with so many in foreclosure, had I not sold when I did and been able to now be mortgage free...I believe I would have lost my home.Thank you for letting me get this out, though I'm not the best at expressing my feelings in print. Just know that being here is helping me to peel back the layers of hurt and pain, to find a bit of light in my world. Barb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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