Pushing Everyone Away, And Doing A Darn Good Job Of It!

[Guest Mrs.Charley]

I have, as I mentioned in another post, been absent from this wonderful community for the most part, since my husband's death two years ago.

While I have just, in the last couple of days come back and actually took the time to read and post abit, I have come to my opinion that this is a wonderful community. Unfortunately, as it is, filled with those experiencing all and more kinds of grief and various levels of it.

I have been dealing with my grief, for the most part completely alone. It is a hard, inconceivably hard, to those that haven't experienced the loss of a loved one, but I keep muddling through it.

One thing I HAVE come to realize, while doing some "inner work" of self analization, is that I have, w/o being willing to admit it until now, pushed those that DID care right out of my life!

WHY? That's the question I'm still uncovering the answers to.

I have been horrible to alot of those I care about...for example...my sister.

She and I, coming from a VERY disfunctional family, had just after Charley's death, been able to rebuild the relationship we had in our childhood.

Given all the "other stuff" that came with Charley's death, the reason for his death, the financial aspects, coping with everyday necessatries like paying the utilities, etc. she tried to help me understand that remaining here in this area, Charley and I had moved to, was only going to bring more of the same financial hardship and distress.

I know at this point, I'm not making myself clear, so please bear with me...

Even before Charley's death, this area was NOT what we thought it was going to be for us. Suffice it to say that this "culture" in this small(blink and you will misss it)town in an area of the country that is seemingly stuck in a time warp of backwards thinking, was absolutely opposite from what Charley and I thought this area would be.

People here are so very predjudiced against race, women(still believing that a woman's place, blah, blah, blah) and anything that before I had considered "normal". I now refer to this place as the "twilight zone" and not with any humor attached.

My sister, having heard all of the things Charley and I had encountered before his death, and then me after his death, urged me to move back to where we lived most of our lives. I tried and tried to do just that...but with the real estate market taking such a nose dive, my house didn't sell until after a year on the market.

Finally! I thought I was finally going to get OUT of here. I wanted to move back to a place that Charley and I had called home for about four years, filled with good memories.

I had owned and operated a successful dog grooming shop there and knew I could restart it and probably have some of the same level of success. SO.... I put a bid on a house there, the house came back with a "cloud" on the title and couldn't be removed in time, as I was running out of time to vacate my now SOLD home.

I was frantic, and w/o getting into all of "the rest of the story", my sister had just purchased our parents home(our mother is in a nursing home and father is deceased). She had done this on the sly, and I was floored with the "why's" she had kept this from the rest of the family, but put my feelings aside for the time being.

Since I was basically out of time, I called her and asked her if she would rent me that house for a short time, so that I could take a bit more time to decide what to do. Understand that I couldn't just rent ANY house, as I have four Great Danes, and an ageing Airedale Terrier(16.5!), and though very well behaved(Danes are ex-show dogs), even the most tolerant landlords wouldn't even consider it. So, hence my call.

It was hurtful when her words were..."I'll have to think about it", I stupidly expected her to say "of course" and run to my aide...didn't happen. So w/o giving her anytime to change EVERYTHING she had already planned for that house(had tenants lined up), I USED that, I believe that now, to remain in this area that I honestly do hate.

Now, I never used to be fearful of change, but as many have experienced, I believe, after a horrendous loss, WE change. So, not understanding that at the time, I literally pushed my sister away, by closing her off and saying some very hurtful things to her.

Then, the VERY weird thing happened, the place I wanted to move back to had a historic flood, washing away over 70-80 homes, and yep! You guessed it, including the very home I had wanted to buy. Had I gone forward with my move, I would have lost everything. I haven't spoken to my sister since our call before the flooding(no she doesn't live in the flooded area). I did call and got her answering machine today, and left her a message that I would like to talk to her and gave an apology for my previous actions. But...I hold out little hope that she will call me back, I pushed her right out of my life.

JUST as I have done to everyone that has cared about me, my son, my daughter, my friends I had made here, yep...everyone.

To put in better fashion...I have been a real "B". And even though I know that our grief is life-changing, it has caused me to do and act in ways I do not recognize of myself.

I am working on that as we "speak" in writing this post. I am making the decision to find "Me" again, the Me that existed even before Charley(we were married for 10 years). Now...I don't mean all literally, but the parts and pieces of me that I have chosen to push down into this deep hole I now call my existance.

I don't want to feel like the victim anymore, and that is exactly what the anger I've held surrounding Charley's death's cause has done to me. Made me so angry that it spills out to those I love in ways too horrible to mention here.

I am asking today, to each in turn, to try and forgive me, and of myself, I'm trying to forgive myself for it was I that urged our move here to this God-forsaken place to be closer to my daughter. I know now that continuing with that guilt is eating me up...so today I'm trying to release it, by forgiving myself.

The very idea, as someone posted in response to me stating my guilt, that even w/o our move here, that the same thing may have happened to Charley(his death) anyway...I hadn't given much creedance to...until now.

I had always believed in the past, that everything happens for a reason, well, as hard as it is to try and accept there is a "reason" for Charley's death, it is what it is...my horrible loss.

So, forces came into play, to disallow my move when I SOOOO wanted to leave, and maybe THAT was for reason too.

I need to work on ME, and reconnect with the me I can still recognize, that will take alot of time, I realize that.

Meanwhile, I purchased another home here(didn't have enough time to find anything else out of this area), one that should, when finished with the redo, net me enough to leave here finally. It's slow going and hard, as I struggle daily to make ends meet and try to find money to fix this house. But, I am now mortgage free and a bit better off. At least now I know I will have a roof over my and my dogs head while I work on getting out of here...and most importantly...on myself. And, again ironically, with so many in foreclosure, had I not sold when I did and been able to now be mortgage free...I believe I would have lost my home.

Thank you for letting me get this out, though I'm not the best at expressing my feelings in print. Just know that being here is helping me to peel back the layers of hurt and pain, to find a bit of light in my world.

Barb

[MartyT]

Barb,I am so impressed with your honesty and insight, and your willingness to take responsibility for what you choose to make of your own life. You are a shining example of a person who's deliberately chosen to find meaning in your loss and take charge of your life. You are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

[mlg]

Wow, that is a lot to absorb. No wonder you are in the state you are in. Have you tried to start a dog grooming business down there? I know my town is relatively small too but we have several dog groomers. A couple of them work in conjunction with some of the vets. Maybe you could try that to help you financially.

I hope you continue to write the letters to everyone. That is such a big step.

I'm sure there isn't a hospital there but is there one close that has a grief support group. I'll tell you my group and this website are the only things that have maintained my sanity. Our group is not one of the structured ones which is good. It is for the most part spontaneous and if nothing is said then the moderator will take over and chose a topic.

Do you attend a certain church? Are there things you could get involved in there?

I hope you find at least some of the answers you are looking for.

[Guest Mrs.Charley]

Barb,I am so impressed with your honesty and insight, and your willingness to take responsibility for what you choose to make of your own life. You are a shining example of a person who's deliberately chosen to find meaning in your loss and take charge of your life. You are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

Marty,

Thank you, though I take no credit for my new insights.

I have been so low for so very long, the upward climb will take a long time. But...with my newly found strength, and the realization that alot of what I have been feeling is of my own doing, I will continue to try to heal myself, and the damage I have caused in my relationships, as best as is possible.

And you are very right..it is my responsibility, one I have been sherking.

I can chose to live in the black hole OR I can dig deeper inside of myself and latch on to all those pieces of me that still exist...and tenderly try to put them back together.

For me, the biggest revelation of thought came from reading some of this forums posts, to see that how I was feeling was not so unique or abnormal. That was an eye opener for me...sounds very shallow doesn't it? To have thought that I was the ONLY one capable of feeling this horrendous loss. I don't mean it that way, but it made me realize that with all we here have in common, sharing all those experiences, feelings and doing alot of honest opening of the lid of this black hole I have sunk into...is helping me.

Instead of spending most of my day disconnected from Nature, people and outside activites...I am going to make the conscious choice(push myself in other words)to reconnect, slowly but surely.

And, with you all's permission, continue posting as it is so cleansing and healing.

Thank you and the best to you and yours.

Barb

Wow, that is a lot to absorb. No wonder you are in the state you are in. Have you tried to start a dog grooming business down there? I know my town is relatively small too but we have several dog groomers. A couple of them work in conjunction with some of the vets. Maybe you could try that to help you financially.

I hope you continue to write the letters to everyone. That is such a big step.

I'm sure there isn't a hospital there but is there one close that has a grief support group. I'll tell you my group and this website are the only things that have maintained my sanity. Our group is not one of the structured ones which is good. It is for the most part spontaneous and if nothing is said then the moderator will take over and chose a topic.

Do you attend a certain church? Are there things you could get involved in there?

I hope you find at least some of the answers you are looking for.

Hi Mary Linda,

Yes, I have started a dog grooming business here at my "new" house. Although it is slow in building as, generally speaking, aside from the economics of this area, people here don't value their pets in the same way I am used to.

But, it is giving me a bit to build on, for the time being.

Right after Charley's death, I searched for a group in my area. I couldn't find any.

Charley and I didn't attend church. I did visit a few after his death, but didn't find any "common" ground in the Pastor's words.

I believe I can connect with my faith by becoming closer to Nature, and look forward to many long Nature filled walks again.

Thank you for your words of kindness and concern.

[MartyT]

My dear Barb, you don't need anyone's permission to join our GH family, least of all, mine. What you do have is our warmest welcome. We are delighted to have you here with us.

[dpodesta]

Barb,

Marty is so right! you don't need any of our permission to post on here what you are feeling, that is what this site is here for and that is how we can come along side of you and help you. You have taken a big step the last couple of posts, taking the responsibility to change the way things are going for you and how you are reacting to them. There is nothing we can do to change the past, it is what it is, however we can chose how we react to it. After I lost my wife, I threw myself into working on the outside of the hose repairing things that had needed repair for quite some time. I worked until I wouold almost pass out. The next year I did what you have been doing, I would come home from work fix something (usually a TV dinner) for my son and I would go into my bedroom and watch TV. I ate one meal a day. I did just enough to keep the house going and that was it. Surprisingly enough even at one meal a day I still gained 45 pounds that year. It wasn't until I looked at myself one day not to mention that I was getting ready to have to increase the size pants I wear that I decided that enough was enough and started changing what I was doing. You are doing good, keep it up.

Love always

Derek

[Guest Mrs.Charley]

Thank you so much Marty.

I needed to hear that. It feels good to be here,and thank you for your part in this site. It is a wonderful community and I'm glad I came back!

Thanks Derek,

I appreciate your kindness and sharing your story as well. It helps to read about others and their struggles through our common nightmares, and finding help in their words or thoughts is helping me.

Just wish I had come back to this site sooner, but I'm doing the work now, better late than never, eh?

Edited October 12, 2008 by Mrs.Charley

[dpodesta]

Definately better late than never, it is kind of funny it seems like when we think we are doing better we tend to drift away and then something happens to bring us back. I have drifted at times from this site and always find myself back wondering why did I ever leave.

Love always

Derek

[LoriW]

Barb,

I really admire you sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to build your relationships again as I am sure they are missing you too. I say this because my brothers and myself are on the side of having been cut out of our Dad's life not so long after our Mom's death. It's been difficult and painful and quite frankly shocking! I know he hurts that my Mom died...I miss her too, but rather than drawing on those who have been near, dear and loving to him he's pushed us all away and wants nothing to do with any of us. I pray that he discovers the things you speak of.....I've tried to reach out, only to get hurt even more. I figure he'll come when he's ready...it that every happens.

I wish for you Barb, happiness....not having lost I spouse I cannot understand that pain. Know that this board is always here and we learn from one another. Once again, thanks for sharing your story with me, it gives me insight into what my Dad has been going through

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Hi Barb,

Pushing people away..I've done a very good job on this the last 14 months...friends & family both. We had a family falling out in June over my Mom's 70th, so I didn't speak to my Mom or 2 of my sisters until last month, & I haven't tried to call my brother, yet. Mom changed her mind on a weekly basis about where, brother wouldn't come to Phoenix in June with his family, we girls felt Mom shouldn't have her own 70th birthday party so everyone ended up angry. Sad thing is, Mom lost out, my pushy sister had it at her house, & none of the rest of us came. I waited to get involved till the bitter end, as the oldest sister I thought I could iron it out & gain agreement, but I simply became the recipient of the wrath. I love my family very much, but I can't get any support from them in terms of grief. Mom started quoting Bible verses to me yesterday, or they say things like cheer up, enjoy your memories, etc.

Friends have been more supportive, they never give up, & don't mind if I call & cry..they continue to try to drag me out for lunch..or anything. I've just reclused. I know I'm a mere shadow of my former self, They call to check on me, & they actually listen to what I say. And my 2 male friends that would like to "date" me..I'm not dating material at this point, & I darn sure know it.

Barb, the hard real estate decisions you have had to make, me too. I had to decide whether to keep our cabin up North, or my house in Phoenix. The market is even worse here, now, & I decided to sell our cabin, it had the least equity in it. I received lots of advice...but now I wish I'd walked from Phoenix. Everything in my house reminds me of Pat being ill here, & I can hardly stand it...& all the projects we did together. The cabin held the good times.

Barb, your words have inspired me, & I thank you. I need to dig myself out of the Black Hole, Black Widow, & Brown Recluse Spider...be happy, be grateful! I know I'm alive, I have a roof over my head that I own, & I've got our 4 Dogs, too, & Pat's cat. I'm not in foreclosure..I have food in the cupboard, & if I'm not keeping up with the "Jonese's" thats OK, too. I'm not the Jet Set..I'm the Chevrolet Set.

Vickie