I Just Lost My Mom

[dragonlady2865]

I hurt so bad. My mom passed away Oct.16/08. Actually she was my stepmom but the step got dropped after my mom died. I have been very blessed because I did have two moms in my life. It was like God took one and gave me another one. And it's not fair. He can't have them both. I want her back. I am so confused. I never delt with my mom1's death from 21 years ago and had just started dealing with that and now mom2 is gone to. I hurt so bad. I'm not sleeping or eating.

My dad is so saddend that he allowed my mom2's brother to come in take over. She didn't want a funneral just a cremation and burial with a family thing later. But good old "uncle" Ed came in and now we have a funneral on Tuesday. I can't do this again.

And I don't get a chance to say good bye because she has already been cremated. When I heard about the funneral I was upset because it was against her wishes. But finnally decided to accept it because it would be a way for me to see her one more time, hold her hand and kiss her good bye. I saw her last in Jan. but spoke to her just last week. I had wrote a letter whi9ch I was going to put in casket with my personal copy of her favorite book. And then my dad broke the news that she had already been cremated. Now I can't say good bye.

It is all so unfair. I want her back. I can't do this without her. Life is not worth the liveing now. I will wait and stay for my dad but when he leaves this earth it will be my time to. I don't want to go on.

Sorry for the ramble but I'm hurting so bad I can barely breath. I just don't know what to do.

[AnnieO]

I am so sorry about your moms. I know this is so hard and I am glad you have found this site. There are so many wonderful people here that can help.I am sorry your uncles are not honoring your mom's wishes, that must be very hard. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad Oct 07. We had my parents cremated, it really didn't change things for me as far as saying good-bye. We had a memorial service and it was full of love and wonderful memories of my parents. I feel that we said "good-bye" to their physical beings, but my parents are with me everyday. I feel them all around me. So while you are sad you cannot hold her hand and tell her good-bye, she is still with you. You could still do something with your letter and book. We just planted 2 trees and put my parents ashes in the ground with the trees. We also put put shells from our favorite beach, where we spent family vacations. Keep posting here, it really does help. You are not alone and know you are in my thoughts.

[mlg]

How sad that you have had to go through this twice and yet how good that you loved your stepmom so much. So many people do not have good relationships with their "steps".

I have been through 2 situations similar to what you talk about. One was with my grandmother. She had as far back as I can remember said she wanted to be cremated. My mom said she just couldn't do it. I told her that this was her last wish and whether we liked it or not I thought she should and she eventually did.

The other was an older man that had been a pt. of mine and his son and daughter in law had both been POW's and were sterilized so they never were able to have children. When Tom and I got married he kind of adopted us as his grandchildren and we helped him and visited him. He had told us certain things he wanted us to have and even went so far as to put our names on them. We had told him we didn't feel we should get anything because we were not "real" family. He had put everything in writing about how he wanted his funeral (songs, readings, pallbearers, etc). When the time came his son did not honor his wishes and even had the funeral director call us and tell us we were not welcome at the visitation or services. I hated it but we respected his wishes. I think he thought we were trying to take advantage or was upset because it was like throwing up in their faces that they couldn't have children.

Some people are just cruel and we have to accept them for what they are. You know the old saying, "What goes around, comes around".

You did get through it the first time so I hope you will find strength in that. I am concerned by your comment about after your dad passes. I hope you will keep coming here and letting us help you. If you go back and look at other posts you will see most of us have posted about a lot of the same things you are talking about. We will help you all we can but you have to help us help you.

Stay in touch.

[leeann]

Dragon Lady was thinking of you today. I am so sorry for your loss of two Moms.

If you are still having trouble sleeping and eating... please... do give your Doc a call. They can be so helpful at this time. Many of us have sought out our Docs and they have made a really tough time easier.

Keep us posted on how you are.

((((((Hugs)))))

I know today was so rough..

leeann

[kath]

Dear Dragonlady,

I am really sorry that your mom's had to die. After my husband passed away, I thought my heart would just bust open and bleed. It is a very intense and awful pain. But the intensity will lesson. It takes time. You sound like a wonderful, compassionate woman to let your stepmom become so close to you. That is not always the case. She is lucky to have you.

I'm also sorry that her wishes were not honored. It will be okay. If you can, find a quiet place and light a candle and read your letter. She'll hear it, I am sure. I put a letter in Bob's casket and didn't keep a copy for myself. I wish I had. You can keep yours in a special journal. When you think of her, write it to her. It will help until you find your breath again. And you will.

Sometimes we have to hang on, even if it is for seconds at a time. Please let us know how you are doing.

Love,

Kath

[dragonlady2865]

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. This Sunday makes it one month since I lost mom2. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like yesterday. I guess things are just sinking in. I haven't been out of the house in a week I don't even want to get out of bed. It's a fight every morning and half the time I lose the battle.

I don't even care if I get dressed in the day time any more. I've been in my pj's for 4 days. I just can't do it any more.

[leeann]

Dlady ((((((HUGS)))))

I know. It hurts pretty awful doesn't it? Yup.. very hard to put feet to the floor, in the beginning. For you I'm thinking things may feel even worse because your are also grieving Mom1 as well as Mom2. So it's kind of like getting hit with a severe blow .. twice.

There were days when I didn't get outta my jams either. Not many.. but a few. I just needed to lick my wounds a bit and ..feel it some more... and lick my wounds some more. I needed to not be needed for a few. I just wanted to hibernate. And I did for a bit.

I began though to think about what my Mom would have to say about me going on like that though. And I don't think it would have made her too happy. So... I got my tail into the shower and into clothes at least. And slowly... I wandered my way back into "life".

In a way I'm glad you are feeling it & expressing it so deeply. I know it feels awful for us...but I think it is actually a healthy thing.

We all need time to absorb loss. We need to give ourselves a break from everyday 'stuff' and allow that wave of grief to wash over us. That's all good and healing even though it hurts so badly at the time.

As long as we don't stay in that mode forever.. we're gonna be ok. And when you are ready to put your PJ's away and don some clothes.... you will.

You can do this.. and you will. Just in your own way and in your own time. We grieve because we have loved and been loved.. well. Where does all that love go when they pass?? For awhile... it turns into grief. Because we don't know where to put all of that love for a bit. But I have found truly that love never dies. I can still love them from here and they can still love me from there. I talk to them all of the time. I cry still.. and talk to them and remember with them. I thank them.. alot. And I have asked them to help me if they can. They just are where I can't see them is all. The rest of them... is still here... within me. That love is still alive and I believe it never dies.

So.. understand that it is good to allow that grief to wash over us but the time will come when we want/need/have to take teeny steps towards learning to live life without our loved ones physically here.

In the beginning it is ALL so very raw and, you dear, are certainly in the very early days of this still. Be patient with you.. this is gonna take some time.

You will indeed begin to care about other things again.

But if you truly think you can't without help... by all means reach out to someone you love and that cares about you for that help. If you aren't comfortable with that... I'm sure your Doc could lend you some guidance and help as well. Truly though, the reality is.. we ALL need help. Some of us were able to get that help and support from friends or other family members or our Docs or support groups or just from each other here.

But I hate to tell you... what you are feeling is all too familiar to us here. And it is.. "normal".

But also... I must tell you as well... without doubt... it will NOT feel this bad forever. The intensity does indeed lessen over time. And you will indeed care once again.

Be patient, gentle & loving with you... just as much as your Moms would have been with you.

And don't forget we're here for you...and we care... so please keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

[AnnC]

My dad's family was not in favor of funerals either. When he died, he was cremated, but my mom wanted a small funeral so her family and friends could come. I didn't feel like my dad would be upset, because the funeral is for the living, and my mom needed the support of her family and friends. They all came and it meant a lot to her, and my brother and my brother-in-law spoke and said wonderful things about my dad. We made a picture board of pictures of my dad with all his children and grandchildren, and then we gave it to Mom after the service, and she has it now (it's been two years come Dec. 7th.)

It's very hard to go on without a parent, especially your mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can say is, let yourself cry and cry, it is the road to eventual healing.

Ann

[dragonlady2865]

Thank you evryone:

You have all been so wonderful. It just seems like there is no end. I fear every time the phone rings that it is my sister with more bad news. I literally freeze and let the roommate answer and just sit and hold my breath until I know who's on the phone.

I do have resorces of people I can call. But I always feel like I'm bothering them. So in my most tough times I curl up under the blankets and just pray it will pass because the other choice isn't a good one I know.

Again thank you everyone