I Too Lost My Mom

[SIR]

Dear Group,

I just signed up for this forum. I've never signed up for anything like this but I need to talk to someone. I am in need of some help. I am a 32 year old male. I also just lost my mom. She passed away on Wednesday September 29, 2004. Thats when my world ended. I know that it sound melodramatic, but I hurt so much!!!! I don't want to live anymore, I want to be with her. I know that it's only been a little over a week but it's not helping. I was a Mommas boy, I was there for her and called her all the time. After all she was only 63! I can tell you this past 2 years have been horrible for me. On October 6 of last year I lost my grandma (my stepfathers mom) she was my favorate grandma (the only grandma I really knew). This hit me as such a shock. I am barely getting over her, and now this.

I know that I've got other family, but I feel all alone! I cry all the time and just dont want to do anything. My mom was my all....I don't think that I can get though this.

Anyway, I'll write more later....thanks

[butterflygirl]

    hello; i am responding the new topic by sir 567. I fully understand,your pain .I am  36 years old and my mom / my best friend,passed away 04-01-2004 ,it has been especially hard for me to except. due to some poor choices,I made in 1997 i spent 5 years 8 mo.in prison my mother and little sister were allowed to come spend friday through sun.with me on the prison grounds this privalege I earned,only took place every thirty days. once I served 1 full year,with out any write up's for bad behavior,it was during these weekened visits that mom and I became best friends,the place we wer in was unfortunate,yet the time spent getting to know one another,are memories I will charish for ever.during the last three years moms, health was declining,she sufferd 13 small heart attacks and began to have strokes,that at times left part or all of her body paralized some times lasting weeks or months. and once it left her totally blind.as well ,by the time I had only 1 and a half years left of my sentence,visits had been few and far between,I fully understood why,yet I would get mad or feel let down,I understand now that I was never upset with mom I was angry at my self for being locked up,and not able to see mom and help take care of her.I knew that life as I knew it pryor to prison no longer would exist. my nephews were 19 ,14 ,13 ,12 ,great neice 18 mo. when my sentence began, upon my release they wer 25, 20, 19, 18 ,and one month shy of 8th. birthday.2 hour visit's were great but I no longer knew them,as they were grown with children of ther own.  I went in at 29 came out 35, my mom who was in excelant health in 1997,was now week ,partially blind.no longer able to walk,verely able to speak,dad brought mom for a visit 3 months pryor to my release, I was not able to see the graduale changes in mom, (mom as I knew,pryor to prison no longer existed.  ) I was not prepared to see her look so broken,it was nearly a year since our last visit. and with in the first 5 min. it hit me, mom will never re-cover.I lost 5yrs. 8mo.of being with my mom/and family.those years gone forever.and knowing  at this point that there was very slim hope mom would be alive when I got out.well july 19 2003 I come home.I thank the lord night and day that my mom was still alive.sadly though mom often became confused and at times could not reccognize me or her seroundings.in 2 months of me being home mom suffered 9 more strokes 3 more heart attacks.each one taking more life out of her.I have three sisters 2 older,1 younger,by nov.2003 the Dr.'s explained there was nothing left ,but to make  mom as comfortable as possible.my lil sis and I was professionally trained for home care,mom was sent home with a feeding tube,in her tummy.witch constantly was being checked to be sure it was still in the right part of her tummy,we fed mom almost continously as she could only take 2  to 4 ounces of her liquid meal at a time,long story short from nov.till april 1 it was fully left up to lil sis and I to feed, bath cloth,lift and turn so she didnt get bed sores,our days ran together  nights were long ,it was a 24  7  duty,the older sisters would not releave us so we could rest or to have time out.they claimed it was to hard to sit here all day and watch mom slowly slip away day after day.how true it was.lil sis and I were physically and emotionally drained.to the point of loughing hystarickly at times for no reason,I guese it's better then crying.well to stop from being on constant verg of a break down, or crying. some how I blocked the reality of mom dying ,out of my mind,so I would be able to focus on giving her the best care possible.it was not till april 1 2004 that the very moment mom took her last breath,it hit me.I blocked it out for so long,and did not have time to process the reality.so to me it was as if she was healthy happy,full of life.going to boom hey moms dying not months from now not days it was oh my god my mom is dying any second.why? how? this cant be.this was the most horrifying heart wrenching sight/experience.of my life. witch the very vision of seeing her pass.floods my mind daily.at almost every thought of mom the vision and horror floods my thoughts of mom.I try to focuss on happy memmories,but they dont last.to this day my pain is just as deep as it was that awfull day.and im left with thoughts of did I do all I could to keep her happy.out of pain out of fear,was there really nothing left for the Dr. to do. did she know it was my honor to be able to take care of her.no matter how drained sis,and I wer,we never let mother see us with out love and smiles filling the room.mom not able to get out of bed.I would at times sit with her and dance.read books to her.draw pictures with and for her. I wonder will the day ever come ,when I will be able to look back on life with my mother, with out the horrifying sight of seing her take her last breath,haunt and flood my vissions? will the beautifull vissions of mothers beauty and happiness shine through?  signed butterflygirl;I will always miss mom. 

[missthem2much]

My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel, and wish there

were words to help ease your pain. I felt the same way as you do

when my Mom was suddenly gone from my life.

As much as I love my Dad and miss him, Mom is the first and last thing

I think of each day. I thought I could not take another step or breathe

another breath when I lost her. I had the same thoughts that you

describe. Somehow, I've made it through each day, and I remind myself

that is what Mom would want for me.

Please know, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[bigone]

You've got to carry on, man. Losing my mother devastated me too. After all, she had been my closest ally at times, and she was my anchor. But one thing my mother told me before she passed, was that I carry on when she passed. Stay strong.

[bethal121]

SIR,

I am very sorry for your loss, and hope that you will find this place to be of some comfort. I just joined myself. I'm a 26 year old woman, and I lost my grandfather who i was very close with and loved dearly. I still cry almost everyday, and anything seems to set me off.

I can understand how you might feel as I was very close to losing my mother last year, she had a kidney and pancreas transplant and that was a very strenuous time in my life as well. She is doing well, but there were a lot of complications with the operation and she didn' do very well for a long time. Just the possibility of losing her was a horrible thing, and I don't know how heartbreaking it is to actually go through such a thing. I am sorry that you are so heartbroken.

It may be that being a guy, it is more difficult to have emotion validated by others in your life. I hope that you will find those who will affirm your right to feel loss and sorrow and grief. Your mom was your mom, and that is important and it leaves a big void in your life that takes time to heal. The wounds from such a loss may never heal, you may still find yourself missing her at specific moments 20 years down the road,

I hope that as you grieve the loss, you will cleave to the fact that this is not a performance for anyone else. Your feelings are your own, and how you express them does not have to be in a set, clinical "how everyone else does it" type of style -

May I commend you for your bravery at coming to such a place - I am so sorry for your loss SIR,

i wouldn't doubt if feeling alone is common among grief survivors, because i've been especially lonely lately myself. people want you to "get over" it, but i don't think it is anything to get over...but rather to move through at your own pace ...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...step by step, tear by tear......

you are in my thoughts,

bethann

[MissMyMom]

I just wanted to reply to your post and let you know that, no matter how much you may feel like you are totally alone, you really aren't. But, I know how hollow those words can sometimes sound too...I just joined this site because I was looking for support too...

I lost my mom on May 8, 2004 and I truly didn't think I was going to be able to go on. I'm 37 and I really just wanted to know when I'd be able to wake up and know I'd be ok.....I'm not going to lie....it hasn't happened yet. My husband is there for me but sometimes I feel so alone and in so much pain. I want a sign from her...I want to know she's ok....I want her back.....but, even in my worst state, I know those things aren't going to happen. I know that people tell you that you'll be ok and you really don't see how....but just try to focus on your mom and what she would want for you. You know in your heart she loved you and always wanted the best for you so I hope you can find some comfort each day in her love....look at the sunshine and believe that she would want you to smile. With each day that passes, try to remember one happy thing each time you are faced with some sadness....sort of a balancing act. At my mom's funeral, my uncle told me that it never gets better but it does get easier. I never believed that but, after 5 months, I am really really trying to remember what my mom always wanted for me and trying to get up each day and just face it with the strength that she gave me......trying isn't always easy so please don't push yourself. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to do anything or nothing. And post here and ask for help....you aren't alone in your sadness.....

Please take good care of yourself.