I Did Everything I Could For My Mom?

[Eleanor]

Hello,

I am new here, my mom passed away 7 months ago, it took me all this time to come here because I wasn't sure if I should. I have been playing with the idea of couseling but like everyone, I didn't think I needed it but I knew some where inside that I did but I wanted to start some where and I thought that this was the place.

I am the youngest daughter and we were very close, I mean I called her every night just too see how she was doing, if she needed anything or if she wanted to come over just to spend time with her. Everything happened so fast, she was in the hospital then she wanted to come home with me and my family.

My siblings were no help at all they fought me the whole way even said something about laywers but I wanted to do what she wanted...every last wish, I did for her...everything! Because she gave me everything life, love, a friend, advise, everything. So, she came home with me, I gave her my room, I tried to make her feel comfortable, even gave her my night gown.

All she could think about was everyone else she worried about my boys, me, my brother and of course my many sisters but I told her hubby and I would help my brother and not to worry about my boys because I would take care of them too and that I would be fine. ( of course, I was lying about myself) How could I be fine when she is leaving me, I know that sounds selfish and so I pushed myself aside and I made sure everything was about her and only her.

What made me laugh in the hospital, when she found out that she was coming home with me, she said that 'she would help me around the house' and I told her 'the only way to help me is to rest and get better' and she agreed.

Anyways, she was responsive that day she came home with us but that night she she started to slip away and I knew it was her time but I just stayed quite and my siblings finally just went with everything because I had to beat them with the paper work, couldn't they just do what she wanted??

My siblings actually came over and spend a couple of nights here to help me care for her but it wasn't too long after...me, a niece and a nephew stayed up to watch her and I remember everyone was asleep, my niece had noticed something about my mom and we looked and checked her...we saw her take her last breath.

I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!! I even wached them wheel her away into the van and it was over..everyone left and I felt so alone. But I am the strong one in the family that everyone goes to and I had to be there for my boys because I know it was hard for them too, she is there nana and now she is in heaven.

Outwards, I am doing fine, I finally got my fulltime job where I want to work at for so long,I take care of my boys and theyre are doing fine too thier grades are good and yes, they do bring their nana up sometimes and I tell them it's ok to miss her and to cry, there's nothing wrong with that. My siblings,they are so use to living without her when she was alive that now...there's no differece for them and yeah, that bothers me but what can I do...nothing...absolutly nothing.

But inside I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me and hubby is no use either but that's a whole other story...I feel like everything is going on without me, like I am watching everyone live there lives but mine has stopped, I know I care about things but ever since my mom passed, I don't care and I feel numb and I don't think my friends understand a part of me is gone. The holidays are coming up and they were a big deal for us( my mom and me).

I know I'm supposed to feel the rainbow of emotions but who do I get mad at my mom for leaving me, myself for not doing enough, God for taking her, my siblings for leaving her out of their lives and forgetting her now, my hubby for not being the man she wanted for me and my boys....who, who do I get mad at??? I am either very sad or angry or numb, I know in time it will some what go away but not fully.

I can't talk to anyone because no one wants to listen including my siblings so, as you can tell I have been holding all of this in for 7 months, my birthday is next week and I am going to the cemetary because we always spent my b-days together. I know it's going to be hard but I think I have to do this.

Sorry, I just got carried away, Thanks for listening. =-)

Eleanor

[leeann]

Oh Eleanor... no you didn't get carried away... Not at all. I'm hoping you are just getting started!

Welcome.. Very sorry though that you had to find us but I'm so glad that you did.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved Mom. You two sound like you were very close. And how beautiful that you were able to have her with you as she wanted at the end.

Yes.. that was a hard choice... very hard. But you put aside yourself and focused on her. That's a gift you gave her.... one of the most precious.

Yes you *did* do everything you could and then some.

I can identify as I did the same thing when my Dad was dying. Just put myself on the back burner and everything became all about him and really?.. helping him to die. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way no matter how painful.

Who do you get angry with? Hmmmm.. decent question.

I don't know.. but I discovered I didn't need to be angry with anyone. I learned that it was absolutely fine to just feel angry.. as it is .. plain old anger. I didn't need to direct it at anyone... I could just feel it and express it.

You are screaming inside because.. you hurt. And I have found loss hurts like nothing else. Right into my bones. A scream.. for real sometimes is the only thing that can relieve it for a second. I don't scream much.. but I can sure scrub something within an inch of it's life. I can sure walk real fast til I'm exhausted. I can aerobicically clean almost anything....

And.. I can listen to rock music in my car by myself and play it loud enough so I can feel the bass pounding my chest.

But pain.. is really alot of grief.

And I learned that is all ok.. doesn't feel ok.. but it is in fact normal pain. The depth of which is directly related to how well I was loved and how well I loved in return.

I'm going to the cemetary next week too to visit my folks' graves. It would have been their 59th anniversary next week. I just feel I should honor that with a visit. And I will indeed be thinking of you celebrating your first birthday without your Mom here.

All of these firsts are hard.. no two ways about it. But I will tell you I always feel worse anticipating those firsts than I do on the actual day.

You sound like you were blessed with an awesome Mom and that you are also one yourself. The only way I got through holidays was focusing on my kids. Being there for them when they too were hurting and missing their grandparents on that special day. Memories of past holidays just flood in.... and at the end of the day.. I must be grateful that I had so many wonderful memories.

I always invite my parents to come be with us on the day of the holiday or special event. Makes it feel more real that they are indeed still with me. And I believe they are.. I just can't see them is all. But love doesn't die so.. that will, always and forever, connect us.

Nothing is the same... no. And that's hard and I do cry over that still at times. But I also know.. new days are here for me. My job here isn't done so I must look forward. But I can look forward and still hurt at the same time.. and yeah.. even that is ok.

But for you... right now... maybe just allow yourself your feelings... all of them and find ways to express them. I found one of the best things I did was not to judge my grief. My loss is different from my sibling's loss simply because we had a different relationship with each parent, we are different people. In essence my grief, and everyone else's grief is completely unique because of that. And we will all process our losses and walk our grief journeys in our own ways and in our own time. And somehow knowing that, is somewhat of a relief. I don't have to live up to anyone's else's expectations of my grief... not even my own unrealistic ones. I own my pain... no one else does.

And here you will always find understanding and support. So do please feel free to post here... anything and everything, if it helps you. We each have our own journey... but it takes another on that kind of journey to really get it. And here.. everyone does.

So keep us posted on how you are.

leeann

[shauna marie]

(((((Eleanor)))))

I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!! I even wached them wheel her away into the van and it was over..everyone left and I felt so alone.

Wow, I so couldn't watch them take my mother out. I had to run upstairs and hide. But that was something that I just couldn't do.

I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!!

Oh, I'm sure she knew, hon. I'm sure that your mother wanted to never, ever leave you. And you know what? While she physically isn't with you, she's there. I truly believe that our parents stay with us until we pass on ourselves because they can never, ever stop being mommies and daddies and watching out for us. Her body left you, but she didn't and never will.

Wow, your birthday is next week? Then do you have Thanksgiving or are you not from the US? And then, of course, Christmas and New Years. Personally, I think it's just absolutely cruel to a grieving person to have so many holidays so close together. Here in Canada, we don't do Thanksgiving in November; it's in October. The really huge issue with that is that you start seeing it all decorated for the holidays about a week before Halloween. I've always thought about creating an island for grieving people and others who are alone that you're not allowed to celebrate any of the holidays publicly. On this island, you get a free pass and can celebrate/not celebrate as many holidays as you wish. Relatives also cannot send holiday greetings or presents. I know the first year I didn't do Christmas. I figured that since I had no kids, I had nothing to be cheerful enough, and I'd already spent 25 holiday seasons with my parents that it was ok to not celebrate that year. My godfather seen things the other way and sent down a present. (The present actually got thrown out the other day.) I refused to open it on Christmas Day. I know that you have your lovely boys to celebrate the days with, but am sure it's bittersweet, too. Sweet because they're probably really excited about Santa and getting the presents. Bitter because it's probably the last thing you want to do. What I personally have done for my tree is to get ornaments that remind me of my mom and dad. I started doing angel ornaments two years ago and plan to buy a new angel ornament each year. I also have ones that remind me of my dad. I found some Nascar ones. So at least they are still a part of my celebrations.

Yeah, I had issues with my brothers after losing our parents. The reality is that they just grieved differently than me. I distanced myself for two years, but now have a great relationship with them. I found that I couldn't be angry with them, I couldn't judge them, that I had to just grieve for my parents and then figure out the brothers thing.

Take care of you.

Shauna

[Nicole]

I know how you are feeling. You go through the whole "I am so upset how could this happen to ME." You've got to realize that you're going through this for a reason. It was your mother's time to go. Just as it was my mother's time to go. We don't understand it, and we may never understand it, but it's time to accept it. It's had when you think there is no one out there that feels the same way as you. But we do! I know EXACTLY what you're going through. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to talk to me. The holidays are going to be hard...I know it. It will be the first thanksgiving without my mom, and the first christmas. I am not looking forward to it, but it's something we have to go through whether we like it or not. So we should make the best of it. If you ever want to talk, email me. Strummer.girl@gmail.com

-Nicole

[allalone]

Dear Eleanor,

In reading your message, it was like I wrote it myself. I also experience the inside screaming. I've tried screaming and it just isn't right somehow. I can't necessarily articulate it very well, but I think it has to do something with being numb and that release doesn't happen in that state. For me, I would take hot baths and weep. It's been 1.5 years since I lost my dearest mother and our relationship sounded similar. We talked to each other daily, some people thought it was weird, but although she was married she was very much alone and as for me, I was just by myself.

My mom died in her home. She didn't want to come to live with any of us in her final days. She saw that the house she lived in was her home, despite there not being any love there except for when we (her natural children) were there. I can appreciate the caring you provided for your mother and I'm sure if she could she would tell you that she went to your house specifically because she knew and trusted that you would give her the best of care because of the special relationship you two shared.

I felt a great deal of anger too. Not only for my mom leaving me, but just that the situation was so awful and she never really enjoyed life. I was the luckiest one out of us because my mother and I went on a trip five years ago and we had the time of our lives. It is something I'll never forget and to see her happy like that was the best present in my entire life. I think everyone directs their anger differently. You want to be angry at someone, but you konw that it isn't going to alleviate it. The thing is no matter what, it just doesn't bring back our mothers. I don't know if the biggest part of our anger is because we are just so helpless in so many ways. We can't stop their death, we can't stop the pain, we can't cope with being without our precious loved one. Maybe anger is easier to deal with than losing our minds because we can't cope inside with the loss. We are numb, but our minds still tell us that things aren't right.

If I could offer you a huge hug where you could just cry as much as you needed and I would tell you that it's ok to cry, to be mad and sad and all the emotions that you're going through. As much as I need someone to do this for me, the worst part is subsiding for me. I am grateful for that and when I feel sad I come here and read emails and sometimes post things of my own if I really feel low.

It is an incredible group here. Tons of caring people and I think our loved ones would be happy that we are finding comfort from others. Probably our loved ones who have passed would also say many of the things that we post here.

I hope you are able to find comfort and a safe place here.

(((HUGS)))

[Kavish]

Eleanor,

You sound like the person who would do anything for anybody. I am sure you did your best. I too lost my best friend just recently, who loved me like a mother, a friend, no body can come close to what she did for me. I used to live at her place as a boarder. I know your mother knows, just as my friend knew, that we always did what was best for them, and I know that they will always know that we will love them no matter what. So I am going to be brave and I will remember my friend forever. As I say nobody can come close. I am sure your mother was the same as my friend.

Take care, Thanks for writing, about your self and how much you loved your mother. I will take heart from your letter.

Kavish