Another Shattered Dream

[kath]

Well, it's not just the holidays that bring on depression. Today, while tearing my house apart looking for a pattern (I have orders for making baby bonnets) I came across a box from my wedding. This was separate from the box marked "wedding" that I have been purposely avoiding. This one contained a full box of napkins and other momentos that I had put away (and forgotten) to be used at our 25th anniversary. That day is never going to come and the realization had me curled on the couch and in tears for the day. I had to cancel all my appointments because I just didn't think I could deal with people.

Yesterday, during an interview, I had to talk openly about Bob's dying and why I was no longer able to meet my former employers expectations. It was tough, but I was honest and I thought it went okay. Today, the rug was pulled out from under me. I don't understand why it has to be two steps forward and three steps back.

The invitations said "This day I marry my friend, the one I live for, laugh with, dream with, love." It hurts.

[shhh65]

Kath,

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope it helps you to know that someone has read this post and lifted you up in prayer. I wish I could take away your pain.

Everyone here understands the pain that comes in knowing future plans and dreams with our loved ones will never come.

(((Kath)))

Sherry

[KathyG]

It does hurt to let go of dreams you shared with a lost love. I'm sorry that box of mementos caused you so much hurt, and I send you a big {{{{HUG}}}}. I've had similar experiences, most recently while packing up my husband's clothing to donate to charity.

We don't have to preserve as much of our lives with our husbands as possible, hanging on to every item and every memory related to them, in order to stay connected. "What might have been" is one of the saddest phrases ever spoken. Mourning the loss of things we once dreamed of sharing with our spouses and are no longer available to us is normal, but we can't go back and reverse what happened to kill those dreams.

As we go forward, we can choose to take everything from the past with us -- or we can preserve our favorite memories, the best and happiest ones, and let go of the memories of things that weren't so good (the events around our spouses' deaths, times when life or finances were tough for us, etc.). And though the old dreams can no longer come true as we planned them to, we can re-cast them as plans for what to do with the rest of our lives. For example, if a couple dreams of a special trip to Italy and the husband dies, his wife can still go but take along a child or grandchild -- and while taking in the sights, the two can share comments and memories about what Dad or Granddad would have thought about the things they're seeing and doing.

[marsha]

Kath - I don't understand why it has to be this way either. If there's a learning curve, dear Lord, can't it be easier than this? I don't know what to say, except it gets better, and worse, for me, too. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry you're in pain. My prayers are with you today, dear one. Love, Marsha

[leeann]

Kath

HUGE (((((((HUGS)))))))) being sent your way.

leeann

[kath]

Thank you for your kind words, hugs and prayers. They help more than I can say.

This morning my son was charting a map of the US and interviewing me on what states I've been to. He's only been to two and wondered why I don't take him places. Most of where I've been I went with Bob. So, KathyG, maybe I can't celebrate my silver anniversary with Bob, but what if I still plan on taking my kids to Colorado as we had planned when Bob was alive. I want my kids to know their dad the way I did. While the momentos of our past don't have the same meaning for them, seeing the places Bob loved and shared with me, probably would be special for them. You've help to remind me that hope doesn't end, but it certainly changes, just as we have. Now..I just need the strength to toss the napkins.

[kayc]

Kath,

I feel Kathyg was right on mark with her response, it was very sound. Yes, to have the strength to toss the napkins that are no longer needed, and to have the courage to alter the plans and take the children on a desired trip, that would be good. My house is filled with memories...the ones of George I want to hold onto because they were good ones and make me smile, but the ones of John I need to let go of, way too much pain involved...what do I do with our wedding album, and all of the memories that I thought meant something and apparently didn't? I'm going to have my kids clean out his trailer, they could use some money and I could use the help...they said they'd do it for nothing, but I don't want them to do that, then I wouldn't be comfortable having them do such a huge job, but it is extremely painful for me to go in there and I'd rather not, but this needs done, I'd rather get it done while they have the time.

I am sad that George and I didn't get to grow old together, didn't get to sit on the porch swing longer...now I can sit there alone and remember him, but that's okay, I know he is with me, looking out over the back yard, and each memory with him fills me inside. If this is all I ever have, that is okay, I realize now that it is so much more than an empty life with the wrong person. I have memories with George that are so much more than most people ever get to have, it'll carry me through my life. I am open to tomorrow's possibilities, but only as God directs, I don't want to make any more stupid decisions on my part in an effort to fill a void...I will let God and memories of George fill that void. No, it's not the same as having him physically here with me, but it'll have to do.

I wish us all a future with meaning and purpose...it's up to us to find it, and it may take a good long while to do so.