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My Grandma

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It's been a long time since I've been on this site. I lost my father, 47, in 1999 from heart attack. And then my mom, 56, Jan 2006, unknown causes. Just came home and found her on the couch. Feel like I've been dealing with these loses my whole life. I really miss my parents.

Earlier this year, my grandmother's twin sister died, 78, of organ failure. And now my grandmother is sick !!! I'm so sad. I feel like crying. There are times when I can't eat, can't sleep, then other times, I find myself binging and sleeping for hours on end !

This is just horrible ! They don't know what's wrong and they are trying to do everything they can and not go into surgery. She's been in the hospital beginning this week, and I've only visited her once. I just just just can't get up enough nerve, to see her suffering and I can't do anything about it !

I considered myself so lucky after I lost my mother that I didn't just go into a mental institution. My grandmother helped me stay afloat. You know, we weren't that close before, but after she lost her son (my father) and then her daughter in law (my mother), she really took it upon her shoulders to make sure her granddaughters made it through ok.

And now she's suffering ! I'm so afraid, I don't know what they are going to do. I call her every morning and every morning she sounds the same, with not much improvement. I guess she had a stomach surgery a few years ago and its one of the common side effects for the stomach to clog up. So she hasn't eaten nothing since Monday and all she does is throw up. They put a tube down to unclog it, and it worked, but she still throws up. I'm so sad.

I can't stand another loss !!! My family can't stand another loss !!! And I know she really misses her twin. 78 years together ! My grandmother's twin's side of the family fell apart after her death, and I'm afraid to think what will happen to our side !

I call my grandmother every day, but I just can't work up enough nerve to go visit her. I feel I might go mental case.

I already call around to other family members very frantic to get updates, but of course they are not doctors and don' t know the details, so then I call up my grandmother and feel like I'm drilling her. I feel like I'm going to scare her. So I try to keep the conversation mellow.

I don't know ! I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just feel like I'm talking in circles and don't know how to act.

Thanks for listening everyone !!! Any advice appreciated ! I hope she gets better ! Thanks :(

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Shubom, dear, no one knows better than you do what you are able and willing to do in this situation, but I want to gently suggest that you are much stronger than you think, and it is highly unlikely that visiting your grandmother will cause you to "go mental case," as you described it. It sounds as if your grandmother's time on this earth is limited, which means that your opportunities to be with her in person are limited, too. The most precious gift you can give to her is your presence, and it is a gift that will be returned to you a hundredfold, because you will be doing it for her as well as for yourself. Are you afraid that you will fall apart or cry in her presence? What would happen if you did? Do you think your being there and crying would upset your grandmother? Or would she read it as a measure of your love for her, that you love her enough to be with her in person at this most important time in her life, despite your own sorrow? Talk to us more about this, Shubom ~ tell us what you're afraid of, and let us see if we can help you with this . . .

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Marty said a lot of what I was going to say. You don't have to put on a happy face. Let your g'ma know how you feel. If you would do better take a sibling, cousin, friend, whatever to be with you for some moral support.

Of course, you have to be the judge, but if something does happen and you didn't get to see her and let her know how you feel will you be able to handle that. Only you can decide.

I have had a really hard time recently because there are some people in my grief support that said they never let there loved one see them cry. They always put on a happy face when thery were around them and acted like everything was business as usual. I wan't lucky enough to be able to do that because I am very emtional and I knew I was losing my best friend. I'm glad I could let him know how much I loved him and that I would mourn him but at the same time worry that maybe he didn't tell me things because he knew I would cry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no right or wrong way. You have to go with your gut.

I'll be praying that you find comfort in whatever decision you make

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Shubom,

I agree with Marty, the best thing you can do now is show her with your pressence.. You may not think it is enough but it will make her time nicer for you just being there and showing that you care... My grandmother died just before Christmas in 1984 and I wish I had spent her last days with her but I just kept thinking she was coming home and than I would spend time with her... But she did not come home and died on Christmas day that year and I have felt guilty every since because I did not take the time to be with her and now I do not have that time I missed it and will never get it back... So I hope you can see your grandmother and spend the time with her and have the memories afterward to enjoy..I hope this helps and I will keep you in my prayers... Shelley

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