Nikomi The Ferret

[Chinook]

It has been 3 weeks and 2 days since I lost my pet ferret Nikomi. Everyone thinks I am crazy and perhaps I am. I am so focus on keeping his memory alive. To show what I have done:

I have created a web site: http://www.myspace.com/nikomi_the_ferret

This is mainly a virtual tribute page/ prayer book for me. People tell me you do not know what real grief is, I lost my husband, mother etc and you lost a ferret, get over it.

If I could get over it I would but I feel so empty. Everytime I look at his face or hear a sad song a tear trickles down my face and sometimes when I am alone in the house, I crawl in a fetus position and cry.

In addition, I find myself not throwing away any of his toys or washing a t shirt he slept in. I wrote to the city of geographical maps and submitted suggestions to name landmarks, street names, etc after Nikomi. I am just going crazy. When people die, they are always remember in conversation, holidays, etc but who will remember my Nikomi? Noone just me and that bugs me. I am just feeling sorry for myself today. The pain and loss hurts so much I want it to end but I know it is my responsbity to endure this..... Excuse my spelling by the way... I am not going back and spell checking..... This just sucks. I often wonder when I die if Nikomi would be there in heaven waiting for me or if all this religious teachings is one big bad joke. I do not know... Thanks for allowing me to vent here.

Tim

[Maylissa]

Dear Tim,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Nikomi (what a beautiful name!), and wanted to assure you that you're by no means "crazy" to be feeling such grief over losing someone who was so near to your heart. As they say, the species doesn't matter -- the relationship does. Don't listen to those nay-sayers and their shallow comments. I've had a bucket of those myself (over both companion animal AND human losses....groan) and trust me, they're not worth even considering. People like that just don't understand how deep feelings can run, nor how honorable it is to be able to love another species just as much, if not more so, than our own.

I visited Nikomi's tribute page and it's very clear you and he, and his buddy Chinook, shared grand relationships with each other. I was moved to tears by his lovely video tribute and also enjoyed, in a bittersweet way, The Chinook & Nikomi Show (using Sabre Dance as the music was genius) as well as a few snippets of Ferret Adventures....the one where Nikomi's cute fangs were sticking out as he snoozed....at least I assumed that was Nikomi. I love all animals and adore ferrets, too, as they're actually quite a bit like felines. Nikomi and Chinook's playtime & movements reminded me SO much of my own with my kids, and made me smile.

Everything you're doing /not doing, and feeling, is absolutely normal for anyone in mourning, and numerous other people have done the same, including not washing things that belonged to their beloved one. That will likely also help comfort your other ferret(s?), too, having something with Nikomi's scent markings around yet. Looking to have something named after your dear boy is a lovely idea, too, and I hope you find success with such a glorious and lasting tribute!

When people die, they are always remember in conversation, holidays, etc but who will remember my Nikomi? No one just me and that bugs me. **sigh** Yes, I know that feeling well, too. It just makes you feel all the more alone in your sorrow & in the world. My H is not one to go for such sentimentality and so I was always and still am the only one who ever even mentions our furkids' names, or recounts stories and memories of them. This makes it extremely difficult to share with him to keep their memories alive & bring ME comfort, and I often still can get quite angry about that. In fact, today (the 23rd) is my girl, Nissa's (the grey girl in my avatar), 2 Year & 7 Month Angelversary and am faced with that ever-present emptiness all by myself again, as I do the 23rd of every month. Even after sharing with him all I've learned and experienced about grieving over a number of years and losses now, including the "Do's & Don'ts" from others to you, he's sometimes 'commanded' me to "get over it already!" That hurts beyond words, and it's doubly heartbreaking to know that even Nissa's own Daddy doesn't truly 'get it'......not deeply, in his very heart and soul. And that just makes me miss my girl, and my guy, even more.

So please don't allow yourself to feel in any way 'lessened' by your deep grief over Nikomi. If I had a partner who was as in touch with their soul and who recognized what THE single-most important thing in the universe was (deep, deep love), I'd have had, and be having a much easier time of it. People like YOU (and myself) are the more enlightened ones.

As for a continuing life, I not only believe in that from a spiritual perspective, but also from a scientific one. Energy (what we absolutely ARE, from both perspectives) cannot disappear or 'die' at all. So your dear Nikomi has only changed form in his essence. I've received literally dozens of signs of continuing life from both of my furkids....the most in sheer number & immediacy from my girl, the more tangible & shared/witnessed ones from my boy (Nissa's blood brother), and also ones from my human family. You might wish to check out the whole Angel Animals line of books by Allen and Linda Anderson, as well as the acclaimed "Animals and the Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan , to find some comfort in the reality of this. If you, like me, are also bolstered by the scientific side of things, you may want to take a peek at The Conscious Media Network , especially the 2 Dannion Brinkley interviews & the Dr. Gary Schwartz one on The Afterlife, but also many others that speak to The Field/Mind of God/The All-That-Is, or any number of other names for what we're all a part of, and yes....including everything/one that ever existed. (you might even, whenever you're feeling better, like the one with Scott Taylor, on dolphins, celebrating the grander wonders of other species, beyond the human one)

In the meantime, cry, curl up and be as gentle with yourself as you need to and know that you're not by any means alone in your sorrow. And if your other furry family member(s?) are also grieving, let yourselves comfort each other, too.

[Chinook]

Maylissa

Thank you so much for your comments. As I read your post, you made me feel so much better about myself. I am so sorry about your loss as well. I am going to check out those resources you mentioned. Thank you so much for listening.

God Bless You

Tim Smith

[Chinook]

Happy Easter my beloved Nikomi. I made a Easter Basket just for you........

[Chinook]

Today is not a good day. No tears but just an empty feeling. It is one of those days when you feel bad all over, you gain a few pounds, you look like crap even after you have shaven and the pains and aches that comes with old age. Feeling so bad, I feel a looming gloom dark cloud on the horizon. It is in the air, the news, the talk radio, work, you do not know who to believe, certainly not the people in power. Feel like a I am a chess piece and am not the players. We are being played, govern, guided to a country that America has never known. We voted for "change" and it is coming, it is here and I feel more of my rights, our liberty, our freedoms are slowly slipping away. I should care, I should fight but I am tired, Feeling too much self pity for myself which is something I do not like. I know everyone does not want to hear about Nikomi anymore. Get over it. Shut up, you are not the only one with loss in your life. So, I do not say anything and I do not reply when someone asks, what is the matter. Your eyes, the spark, the fun, the excitement, where is it? I put on my fake smile and tell the person what they want to hear. The internet is my release of these negative feelings, my pain. For those of you that read these posts, thanks for listening.

God Bless

Tim

[MartyT]

Tim, dear, that is precisely why we're here: to listen without judgment or reproach, and to walk beside you as you make your way through this journey called grief ~ no matter how long or how difficult the road. Remember that when you are in mourning, you are especially raw and vulnerable, and everything you're hearing, reading, and seeing right now is passing through that dark filter of grief. Given what you've lost and how you feel right now, is it any wonder that the world and everything in it seems so empty and hopeless?

A few moments ago in an article I was reading, these words stood out for me, and I want to pass them on to you, because I think they apply ~ not only to those of us bound by the common experience of loss, but also to our nation and to the world, as we face the difficult challenges ahead: We go through situations that test the mettle of our souls, but once we get through them, we become stronger.

[tattoodlb]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss..... ferrets are such wonderful, wonderful little souls... they are just so pure and fun. An animal is not just an animal, it is a piece of you that you love and cherish... sometimes we can only connect with animals on a level that we can't possibly with a human.

You are in my thoughts today and I am grieving with you as my own little fuzz butt went to the Rainbow Bridge yesterday.

Not only did we lose a cherished and loved friend, we lost a bit of ourselves as well..... we are better people for having loved so much and given so freely of ourselves.

Animals help us heal (that is why they use therapy dogs/cats, etc) and they bring the goodness out of us... we are more complete in harmony with mother nature.

Many hugs to you.....

you should not berate yourself for wanting to talk about your Nikomi, it is not something that we just get over... it is a process and each of us go through it differently. Be kind to yourself..... you deserve it and need it. PM me if you feel like "rambling".. I would love to listen.

Dana

[Chinook]

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for the loss of your fuzzy. I am sorry for the late reply. I got laid of from my job of 14 years and I can not find work. I still think of Nikomi all the time, this 24th will be 3 months since he went to the Rainbow Bridge. He will keep your fuzzy happy and be good company for him as they both look after us from above.

God Bless

Tim

[Chinook]

DEAR NIKOMI

Nikomi- Can you hear my prayers? Can you hear my cries at night? I miss you so much it hurts. Sometimes I wish I was dead myself to stop the pain but I know this is something we all must endure. I am still looking for the life's lessons in this experience but I am too grief strucken to see clear. No body wants to hear your name or see your picture except me. They want to forget the pain, to let go but I can not let you go Nikomi. I still have my shrine of you and I think of you often. I am crying my heart out as I write ths blog but I have to do something to release this grief. I know I should be looking for a job now or playing with Chinook. He misses you so. He will not play in the office any more but that is the only place I can put him while I clean his cage. I wish there was so some kind of heavenly sign you could manifest yourself to me. A dream, anything... I keep on thinking of that day, the day I thought you had your first check up with the vet and the next thing they were taking you away from my arms forever!!!! If I only knew, I would spent every second with you.

I know Chinook's time with us is not long, he is an old ferret and slowing down and I find myself crying like Chinook has died but he is just sleeping in my arms. I do not know what I would do if Chinook left me too in my current state. I can not spend my time with Chinook all day. If I was a child perhaps I would but I have to look for a job, clean the house, carry on, and I feel so guilty not spending every second with him. I just wished you know Nikomi. I need some sort of spiritual comfort knowing you are okay. Oh Nikomi. this is one of those days when I can not stop crying whever I hear your name or you appear as a memory or a thought.

I love you Nikomi. Please forgive us. I knew you are a fighter when you were put down and I suppose that is the hardest part. You did not want to die but you were sick my little one. Life's jouney would have been a painful one for you if you lived through the operation. Oh God Nikomi, I am so sorry for the deck of cards God dealt you and I am so sorry for your pain. Your liife was so short. I did not have any money to save you and even though I was told you probally would not survive the operation or live afterworths, I felt it was my duty to do everything in my power and I had none just made the most painful decision of my life, a decision that haunts my soul to this very day.

I love you my adorable ferret. I will never forget you ever. I will always remember you and I hope you remember me when it is my time to go home.

Love

Tim