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Hi,

I am new to this forum and know after loosing my father 16 years ago I would have benefited greatly from counseling and/or forums like this.

I lost my mother 1 week ago today. She has been battling Ovarian cancer for over 7 years with several rounds of chemo in those 7 years. When someone bounces back so many times you almost expect her to keep on fighting and continue to win. Unfortunately and I guess fortunately her fighting and discomfort and pain came to an end last week.

I have a read a few other posts and many talk about the ups and downs of cancer. The heroic come backs and then the devastating setbacks. Although in my heart of hearts I knew my mom was not going to make through this last bout but I kept hoping.

She was diagnosed in 2001 with stage 4 ovarian cancer. It had already spread to the lungs, spleen, liver, pancreas to mention a few. They did not give her much time. At first they were going to do nothing and then decided to do surgery. They removed everything they could and followed this up with Chemo treatment. She handled the chemo very well and really only had fatigue.

She went into remission and we (her 4 kids) took her on her dream cruise to Alaska. She never stopped talking about it. I think this was more of a gift to us to have her well and with us.

She had a two relapses and two more chemo rounds. Each time going into remission for good periods of time. Then last summer she was having trouble breathing and seemed to continue to get colds and coughs. She lives in CA and since there were so many fires and smoke I guess the doctors and family thought it was a result of the poor air quality and her emphysema. Well when this continued after the fires stopped. Then we started to ask questions. To make a very long story short we discovered that the cancer had spread to her lungs in October.

I had a feeling that she was not going to fight her way out this time but she was such a fighter she was determined. I live out of town but went in to be there for her 1st chemo treatment. It was a rough one on her. Much harder than the other times. She was weak and too thin at this point. She had 2 more treatments and the third she had an allergic reaction. The Doctors decided to give her a month or two off before they tried a new chemo.

Then she continued to go downhill. She was so weak she came down with Pneumonia, and UTI and bacterial infection in her blood. That would be tough on a healthy person. But again she fought back. She took the antibiotics and several rounds. She just didn't seem to ever come back. Although, most of the infections were better she was not herself. She even mentioned she thought she had dementia and we all were suspecting it as well.

When we got her in for an MRI of her brain that is when the reality hit. The cancer had spread throughout her brain. The petscan she had 2 months prior did not show it anywhere but her lungs. Go figure. That gave us some false sense of hope. Now that we new how invasive the cancer was the doctors estimated she had several weeks. And that was right on. She lived a little over 2 1/2 weeks after the doctor told us.

All four of her children stayed in town during her last few weeks and we were with her in her home when she died. This time was both a blessing and very painful at the same time. She had her good days and bad days. There were days we thought she would be with us for many months and then days we thought it was hours. Her last day was very hard. In the morning it appeared that she had a seizure and she was so uncomfortable and distressed. She was no longer able to eat or drink, which also meant we were unable to give her oral medication. We did get hospice out to administer medication but it did not seem to help her distress.

3 of the 4 kids wanted to administer additional meds to try to alleviate some of her discomfort but there was one hold out so we didn't give her more than was prescribed. This was a running problem throughout this time so to be expected. 3 of us only wanted her to be comfortable and basically thought

"what is the worse that could happen"? The 4th child I think was struggling with her own issues on the drug front. My mother had substance abuse issues and I think they were still trying to protect her from herself. At least that is how I am trying to view it, but have to admit that I am a bit angry that she may have caused all of us more pain than help. Oh well that is another topic.

Ok now that I have rambled on I will end this now. It does help to put this down in words and see that I have some clear thoughts st this moment. I know I am still in shock and will continue this grieving for some time to come.

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Keep spilling your guts here. It is a safe place and you can say anything.

It is a shame if the 1 was afraid of the substance abuse if the end was inevitable, but they were probably still in denial that it was all happening. We each go through the grief steps differently. Try not to be too hard on them because I found when my dad died almost 19 years ago that I held a grudge and it only made me any ugly person. They are the ones that have to live with their decision and we can't change things.

Take care and come back often

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Dear petitelady,

I am very sorry for your loss. We are here for you. Feel free to talk to us about anything and everything.

(((Hugs))),

Take care,

Chai

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Keep spilling your guts here. It is a safe place and you can say anything.

It is a shame if the 1 was afraid of the substance abuse if the end was inevitable, but they were probably still in denial that it was all happening. We each go through the grief steps differently. Try not to be too hard on them because I found when my dad died almost 19 years ago that I held a grudge and it only made me any ugly person. They are the ones that have to live with their decision and we can't change things.

Take care and come back often

Thanks. I appreciate your advice. I know I don't want to stay angry and hold a grudge. The last thing I want is to hurt my relationship with any of my family. However, right now the scars are still raw and I do think I have to feel the anger so that I can move past it. I can't see myself holding a grudge. I love my sister and know she is who she is. When my father passed it was my other sister and me that were there every day with him, taking care of all the business. She came in only on weekends and didn't have to deal with day to day while your loved one is dying. So maybe she just felt she had to be in control since she wasn't when my father passed. I don't know. I am just trying to find reasons to forgive and forget.

I need to resolve this in my mind in the next 2 weeks. We will all be meeting to spread my mothers ashes. I want this to be a good family experience and don't want these feelings to surface in any way during this weekend. One of the things I have done is booked hotel room in another hotel from them. So if there is any tension we all have our separate areas to unwind and relax. My husband will also be there and he is a very calming factor and will let me know if I am not acting appropriately or pull me away if he sees me getting tense.

I have another concern or fear. It has been just under 2 weeks since my mom passed. The first week I stayed in her city to help clean out her house and go through her stuff. Since I flew I was limited to what I could take so I kept it to a few sentimental items that remind me of her. Unlike when my father passed. I drove and filled my car with way too many sentimental items which I still have. But way too many because I couldn't bring myself to think anyone who didn't know him should have. With my mom she had some very good friends that we were thrilled to take many sentimental items and it made us feel good to know they would have a home where they would bring happiness and memories.

Ok I got off track. I just spoke with my other sister and we both feel that we are not really grieving much. Now that we are back to the real world we dropped right back in. I do think of my mother often and have thought to call her, but no more crying or very little and I (we both) kind of feel the same. We aren't complete basket cases like with my father. We both worry that we are just coasting. Could this be denial? I Know she is gone I really do but why am I not falling apart like with my father? I feel sadness and emptiness but it is not overwhelming. I loved her very much and miss her. I am kind of feeling guilty that I don't feel worse. Could it be that I don't feel the full impact because we still have another ceremony to do with the ashes and that is when the gravity of her loss will really kick in? I must admit I am confused by my feelings.

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PL

I am so sorry for you loss. Your mom sounded like a very,very strong woman. I know this is such a sad and painful time for you. Please know you are not alone and will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks it helps to have somewhere to vent. And yes she was a very very strong woman. Even at the end. It boggles my mind how hard she fought and what she went through with all the chemo rounds, fatigue, etc. It was hard to watch her feeling so bad at the end. Hell it was hard for the last 8 months hearing her breathing problems and wheezing and coughing. It broke my heart and then at the end she was trying so hard to clear out her lungs and nothing she did helped. It was just so awful to see her in such discomfort. However, I am grateful that she wasn't in too my physical pain. I don't know if I could have handled physical pain and discomfort and everything else she was feeling. At least she was spared that and so were we.

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You have to realize that everyone grieves in a different way. You may have cried when your mom was alive and now your body needs a rest for a while. Sometimes I feel that we are in such shock for the first month or two that we don't know what we are suppose to do or how we are to act. Some of us are cryers (that would be me) and some of us aren't. But I can remember not crying much at the visitation or funeral. It was when I came home to a lonely house that it hit me. With your mom you don't have something like that slapping you in the face all the time because you said you didn't live near her. That may have made a diffence too.

Don't beat yourself up. Just let the feelings come as they may, handle them and then let them go. (Easier said than done, I know)

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i'M GLAD YOU FOUND THIS FORUM. I think we all get so much comfort from others who have experienced similar feelings. I am learning that we all grieve differently and in different time frames. I will keep you in my prayers, I lost my mom 5 months ago and it is still very difficult at times.

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