My Happiness Is Gone Forever

[LostnEmpty]

When Marc died, I feel like I died with him too as well. I will never be that person I was when he was here. He was the only person in my life to ever bring me true happiness. Before i met him I was always sad and depressed and had this void inside me that no one could fill. Then I met him and he changed that. Even my mom and my sister said they had never seen me so happy before in my entire life. He was just the person i had been waiting for all of my life and i didn't even know until I met him. I had never known or believed that one person could make me truly happy and change me for the better the way he did. But now he has been taken away from me forever and that happiness I had is gone forever as well.

I can't stand feeling this sad- it hurts so much remembering him and knowing what will never be. Tonight I go to work where he worked as well. Its so hard cause everything and everyone reminds me of him. I had tried to go to work several times after his death but ended up having panic attacks and passing out there and only made it through 1 whole shift in March. If I can get cleared by the medical unit tonight then I will officially be working again. I don't want to go back there but I know I need to for Marc would not want me to give up this job because he had always said how lucky we were to get paid what we are getting paid and all of the benefits we have especially in this economy. Plus I need to make money and keep benefits for our baby when she arrives. Everything and everyday continues to be so sad and depressing- I just don't know how or if I will be able to function normally again.

I read the posts from other members and i truly appreciate your kind words and advice as well as your shared stories of your lost loved ones. Your support helps me to try and keep holding on knowing that I am not the only one going through a terrible tragedy. I feel like this is the only outlet for me so I will continue to come back- I need to come back. As much as I am glad for finding this place and the people here it also saddens me that we all have had to experience this terrible pain in life. I wouldn't wish this on anyone not even the most evil human being because this is something that no one should ever have to go through. Its just not fair.

[singledad2]

Dear Lost,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Fortunately, you have found the right place to come and talk with people who truly know what you are feeling. There are no magic words that can take away your pain. You are right when you say that you will never be the person that you were before Marc. Over time, you will develop a 'new' you that is a sort of hybrid between the very happy, contented person that you were with Marc, and the person that you are now who is a better person for having experienced life with Marc, but who is also emotionally devastated at losing him. If you've read many of the posts on here, you will find that timetables are things set by those who expect everyone to heal at the same rate. Your timetable for healing is truly YOURS. Please come here and post often. There are many wonderful people who will be there for you when you need someone to voice anger, frustration, hurt, pain, and the many other rotten feelings that you will continue to experience for quite some time. As I'm sure you know, you must take care of yourself and your baby. At this point, those are your two most important priorities. If you let your health deteriorate, not only will healing be much more difficult, but your baby will suffer.

I lost my wife just over a year ago. I've got four children that I am raising, so I can tell you that things will be tough. Your 'metal' will be tested in the coming year, but you will discover just how strong you can be. Don't doubt your resolve. You will surprise yourself and many others. Hang in there.

SD2

[kayc]

Oh Talia, how we can relate! You are right, this is something we wouldn't wish on anyone.

I only hope you find some joy again when your little daughter is born. When is she due?

[LarrysGirl]

Talia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to get thru your time at work. Panic attacks have been part of my grief also. I think it is the stress of the loss that triggers them. Try to take some deep breathes and rest every chance you get. We don't realize the physical toll it takes to just survive this. You need to take the best care of yourself that you can for you and your baby, so please take it slow. I'm so glad you have found this site. Someone will always respond and listen. Deborah

[LostnEmpty]

Dear Lost,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Fortunately, you have found the right place to come and talk with people who truly know what you are feeling. There are no magic words that can take away your pain. You are right when you say that you will never be the person that you were before Marc. Over time, you will develop a 'new' you that is a sort of hybrid between the very happy, contented person that you were with Marc, and the person that you are now who is a better person for having experienced life with Marc, but who is also emotionally devastated at losing him. If you've read many of the posts on here, you will find that timetables are things set by those who expect everyone to heal at the same rate. Your timetable for healing is truly YOURS. Please come here and post often. There are many wonderful people who will be there for you when you need someone to voice anger, frustration, hurt, pain, and the many other rotten feelings that you will continue to experience for quite some time. As I'm sure you know, you must take care of yourself and your baby. At this point, those are your two most important priorities. If you let your health deteriorate, not only will healing be much more difficult, but your baby will suffer.

I lost my wife just over a year ago. I've got four children that I am raising, so I can tell you that things will be tough. Your 'metal' will be tested in the coming year, but you will discover just how strong you can be. Don't doubt your resolve. You will surprise yourself and many others. Hang in there.

SD2

Dear SD2,

Thanks for your post. I am sorry you lost your wife. I can't imagine having to raise 4 children especially while grieving over your wife. I'm scared and worried at just having to give birth and raise this 1 child on my own without my Marc. When Marc was here I had no worries except for the expected physical pain of the delivery. I was confident that I could be a mother and any problem that came my way I would be able to get through because I had Marc. But now things are different, I am scared of everything- not the physical pain of delivery but the pain that Marc won't be there when I give birth and to raise our child. I've lost all that confidence and don't feel I will be able to be a good mother or be able to handle any problems that will come up. I don't know how you or anyone like us handles this or is able to move on.

Talia

[LostnEmpty]

Talia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to get thru your time at work. Panic attacks have been part of my grief also. I think it is the stress of the loss that triggers them. Try to take some deep breathes and rest every chance you get. We don't realize the physical toll it takes to just survive this. You need to take the best care of yourself that you can for you and your baby, so please take it slow. I'm so glad you have found this site. Someone will always respond and listen. Deborah

Dear Deborah,

Thanks for reading my post. I tried to go to work on Friday night but the medical unit said the note from my ob wasn't specific enough so now I have to go back to my ob's office and have them fill out the paper they gave me. It's hard enough trying to go back to work and get into a new routine there without Marc, now they are just prolonging it and making it harder for me. All I do is rest at home cause I don't have anything else to do and I don't have anyone, so resting hasn't been a problem for me. Its the getting up and going out that is my problem- I don't want to do it alone or without Marc and it just seems pointless without him. Do you still have panic attacks, if not when did they eventually go away?

Talia

[LarrysGirl]

Talia, at least I'm glad to hear you are resting, its really what you need right now. Yes, I do still have panic attacks, not as often, but for me, stress makes things worse. Its been a hard adjustment losing Larry and of course life doesn't stop, financial issues, family issues, responsibilities that used to be taken care of by both of us. I think with time, the panic attacks will settle down. I have to sit and breathe slowly, that helps. Just take it a day at a time and please take care of yourself. Deborah