My Beloved Ben

[Lucia Abeytia]

I lost Ben Feb 18 2009, he had HepC got from blood transfusing many years ago.. as a result he got all kinds of other things he was dignosed with cirossis of the liver 6 yrs ago which was a result of the hep C, He just kept getting worse and there was nothing we could do 4yrs ago we were told he had 1 yr at most well he lasted 4 more yrs..the last yr was the worse he was in and out of the hospitol and it was the same thing every time his blood sugar and amonia level were high and than he got better came home and in 1 wk was back. his brain was swelling and sometimes he had no clue where he was...at times he did not recognize my daugther and her children..I thank god that he always recognized me. Hospice told us on feb 2 he had 72 hrs at most but he went 13 agonizing days...I was reliefed at 1st no more pain for him and than it hit me what was i going to do? I worked and cared for him all these yrs now it was just me...Everyone says your so lucky you have your kids,But thats not the same they are grown and have there own familes ...I live with my daughter and her family and that helps a little but when they are at work and school i feel lost . I lost my job because i missed so much wk before his death and than afterwards planning his funeral and having the services . I stay in my room most of the time and just cry My daughter had me go to georia with her after the funeral and that helped but as soon as i got home i was back to being depressed and crying constantly...I feel so lost so alone sometimes i see something on tv and come out to tell Ben to watch and than i realize his not here anymore..nights are worst i can't sleep and i just go outside and take a walk i miss him so much

[David'sGirlStill]

My dear Lucia Abeytia. You have found the right place. Sadly there are so many of us in the same boat with the same paddle. I lost my beloved husband on 2-23-2009 to Cirrhois, liver cancer and finally sepsis took he away from me. I'm so familiar with blood sugar level, ammonia level, and sodium level I wanted to scream sometimes. Our daughter is 27 and she lives with me. It does make it a little easier but .....I miss him with all my heart, my soul, my being.

We have lost a lot but WE DO have our family here. Please keep posting it doesn't make it go away but if only for a minute you feel better it's well worth it. We do all truly care about each other. in today's world that's hard to find.

phyllis

[loving denny]

i am so very sorry for your loss lucia, amd i feel your pain because it is the same pain that i feel after denny's death april 4, 2009, on record as april 6,2009. i know the emptiness well, and crying is something that i've become very good at. i came here to be able to talk about dennis and hear others share their stories. i'm up in the wee hours of the morning usually because the night hours seem to bring on most of the pain. they say take iy one day at a time, i've found that sometimes i have to take it minute by minute....i'm here for you and will add you and ben to my prayers,,,grief is more of a monster to me, i fear it and dread it...but so far i am making it to the next day even though i don't look forward to them anymore...again i am so very sorry lucia

[kayc]

I'm glad you started your own thread and told us about him. You are not only grieving, but it is compounded because you were his caretaker and that abruptly ended with his death. It's easy to feel a loss of purpose and not know what to do when that happens. I took care of my mother in law nearly three years while she was bedridden with cancer and I remember the emptiness after she died.

Is it possible for you to look for another job or do some volunteer work to help fill some of the time? It seems like in a way it's easier on us who have to work because it's less time to think and be alone.

I'm glad you have family to live with.

Hang in there, it'll improve with time, it won't be the same as it was, but we get better at coping with it and get more used to it. Right now it's just such a huge adjustment.

Please come on line any time you want to, we're here.

[Lucia Abeytia]

Thank you all, i am trying to keep busy i have thought of volunteering but everytime i leave the house i panic i don't know why, i feel like a lost child my kids take turns taking me out to dinner or just there house for the day...I pretend that i am ok but they don't know the pain i am feeling...my son-in-law is graduating this Thursday from the police academy in Georgia so i am leaving tonight for Georgia and will be gone for a while but only because thats what they want....I just want to sleep and cry...

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Lucia

it's not surprising that you are having a panic attack when you leave the house. I can totally relate to that. Don't let anyone push you into doing anything too quickly or soon. Do things in your own time. One day at a time.

My thoughts are with you.

[mrspapajohn]

Lucia - - I am so sorry that you lost your beloved husband to liver disease. I lost Stephen, by beloved husband of 28 years, on January 6, 2009 after 4 years on a liver transplant list. I know how difficult it is to watch the one person you love and the one who loves you, go through so much pain and suffering. After three years of endless endoscopies (for esophagal bleeding), paracenthesis for fluid in the abdomen and blood transfusions twice a week, Stephen had a shunt placed in his liver to relieve the bleeding and fluid. Unfortunately, this caused his ammonia to go sky high, and for the next year we made twice weekly (at least) trips to the emergency room with overnight stays because of his brain swelling. Many times he didn't even recognize me. Every two hours around the clock, he had to take "Lactolose," a laxative that was supposed to help with the ammonia by passing it out through his bowels. Actually, it just made him incontinent, torture for him because he was so fastidious. During these four years, Stephen was completely house-bound (or hospital-bound).

Finally, in June of 2008, a Friday the 13th, Stephen received a donor liver. It was as if life started all over for us. I didn't know that I could be so happy. I had always been superstitious about Friday the 13th, but now it was a day I loved. For the next three months we went to movies, out to eat and for the first time, started to make plans for our future. Then, at a regularly scheduled follow-up appointment, Stephen was told that his Hepititus had returned, only this time it was much more virulent than the "normal" kind. They began him on Interferon therapy (no fun at all). He started feeling ill again, and the day after Thanksgiving, he was diagnosed with an acute, and fatal, form of the disease. A little over a month later, he was gone. He died at home, in his own bed, with me lying next to him. He was only 56.

Stephen and I had no children. I honestly didn't believe that I needed anyone but him. I was wrong. Like you, all I want to do is crawl into myself and cry. I never thought that a human being could have so many tears. I never knew that anyone could feel so sad, or so absolutely, completely lost.

This site has been my salvation. Here, you will not only find support and unconditional love, you will also find people who have been, and still are, traveling on the same journey you are. Please come back often. I believe you will find that your actions and feelings are not "crazy." They are what we all go through and are part of the grieving process. I also believe that only someone who has gone through this can understand what we are feeling - no matter how close they are. No matter how much they love you.

Again, please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. You will be in my thoughts.

Kathy