Affraid Of The World Without Denny

[loving denny]

well, here we sit again at 2:40 am, i always see these hours thru. never use to, would be long asleep by now , curled up to the small of denny's back. i took that peace for granted, how easy it was to fall asleep and dream, wake up to each new morning with the love of my life buried over his head under the comforter!! i miss that so much! that sleepy little grin that would cross that handsome rugged face, and yes that amazing smack on the butt as i crawled out of bed...all things that i never pictured myself being without. do i feel i took my lover for granted...oh yes. did he know how much i loved him when he was taken from me? my baby laid there for many hours before anyone stumbled across him...i only wish that i would have felt my own heart scream for life with him. i have no place to go and visit with him or talk to him...seems everyone but me has gotten a grip and are inching their way up. and here i sit, sinking farther and farther from the reality that denny will never hold me again in those strong arms and assure me things will be okay. i still have a hard time living in reality and later this morning i have to go out into the public for the first time since since he passed.OMG i just don't know if i'm gonna get thru this or not. still don't eat and no sleep and feel like i'm outisde of myself watching myself struggle to survive each passing minute of each and every day that the love of my life is gone....this is HELL, i'm sure of it.

[Boo Mayhew]

Morning Joanne

I hope you finally did get off to sleep. When you posted this I was just waking up to come to work (with the time difference).

I think it is human nature to take things for granted and this is something that we all struggle with. Guilt is my worst demon. It rears its ugly head less often now than it did in the very early days (where you are now). Of course we will never take stuff for granted again because we have learned the ultimate lesson, but that does nothing to lessen our guilt for now. I do know that after TIME it will slacken off because other widows have told me this.

I believe that Denny and Cliff and all of our husbands and wives ABSOLUTELY KNOW just how much we love them now. Hand on heart, I truly believe that, I promise you.

Of course you are not coping as well as the rest of the family. He was your love ... you saw him everyday. They mourn for him without doubt, and I know that we should never compare our grief to another person's, however I will say, that losing a spouse/partner means that you are impacted FAR FAR MORE.

The first time you go out is tough, I know. Ensure you know exactly what you need and exactly where you need to go. Ask someone to go with you if possible.

In the very first days I felt as though I would not get through it, but you do. You SLOWLY overcome each small obstacle (e.g. going out to fetch milk) and gradually find that instead of living 5 minutes at a time, you are taking a day at a time. I haven't progressed beyond that really, but it's still progress. The other thing that helps me is for me to do stuff to make him proud of me because I know that he is watching what I get up to. Also, WE ARE WITH YOU ON THIS JOURNEY AND WE UNDERSTAND TOO.

Try to get some sleep. Initially it helps if someone can hold your hand until you drift off. Can you ask a girlfriend over to stay? Try to eat half a slice of buttered toast. I know you think you will be sick, but you probably won't be. Try to think about how he'll worry about you otherwise, because I honestly believe that he is around watching and worrying, okay?

Sending you a massive hug across the ocean,

xx

[kayc]

Joanna,

Thank you for sharing a picture of Denny with us, he looks so young. It's hard to understand how someone who is such a vital part of our lives can just be gone, it feels like a bad dream that you can't wake from.

I hope you do okay today when you go out, I remember the first time I went anywhere was to go get his ashes. It's a good idea to take someone with you, do you have anyone staying with you?

Take care of yourself,

Kay

[loving denny]

thank you boo, i don't know what iwould do without your words of encouragement and knowing that i'm normal when i feel so far from that. i have a friend who is with me, if not in person on the phone and she helps me out so much. i did sleep for the first time in avery long time it seems, up every couple hours but found that my thoughts had started to settle abit and it wasn't instant cluster @!!##!! i still reach for him all night thru but have found that holding his pillow close to me has helped alot, i don't know what i will do when his scent is gone, but i know that washing that pillowcase won't happen for a very long time. his clothes and work clothes are still in the hamper and won't make it to the laundry for a long time either...everything is still the same right down to his bath towel hanging next to mine, also haven't made the bed since he left! i know in time that all this will change, just right now i can't. tried the toast thing and it worked but didn't push it much yet. i feel like a foal just getting it's legs and it's a struggle that i have found to be one i'm going to fight to have. denny and cliffy (which i felt heartwarming) are important pieces here and i never really looked at being able to make him proud of me now, but will. thank you boo, maybe all is not lost of denny....much love and graditude,,,u are awesome

[loving denny]

Joanna,

Thank you for sharing a picture of Denny with us, he looks so young. It's hard to understand how someone who is such a vital part of our lives can just be gone, it feels like a bad dream that you can't wake from.

I hope you do okay today when you go out, I remember the first time I went anywhere was to go get his ashes. It's a good idea to take someone with you, do you have anyone staying with you?

Take care of yourself,

Kay

he was so young kay, one of the very hard parts of having him leave this world...and beautiful inside and out. i had a good day out, but the first inital steps were very hard to take. getting to the truck was hard, it's been parked there since the funeral. but with alittle chuggin' and puttin' around we were both off and the down the road to tend to business. i hated it, but it was a beautiful day and he fresh air felt good. denny would have wanted me to feel life again, he loved he sunshine and every part of spring and summer. he was a construction worker after all and i guess that he's still enjoying some things. i want him to be around me and maybe sometimes be proud of me for these little baby steps that i'm taking. i think he is too because it's his voice in my head that pushes me to continue to live here insteadof curl up and give up all. i feel him more now than i did at first, maybe the numbness is wearing off enough where i can.what do you think? i still hold his pillow tight and have fallen to sleep easier thn before, but time will tell. i realize i will have good days and bad. each day that makes another week he's been gone from me is still a monster, and i will have to learn how to cope with that one somehow. thank you and he was a beautiful wonderful loving man. and a very hard worker i might add. all his things are still where they were the day that he left me....they will remain there awhile longer too, until i'm strong enough to move past that also....thank you for being here

[JeanneC]

Hi Joanna

I know how hard it is when you lose your loved one so young. My husband was 54 when he died. It will be 10 months 4/28 that he has passed. Coming up to the one year anniversary. I also have all of Alex's clothes. Never did give them away. I think at one time I will come to doing that. But I do understand how you feel. Things will get better. When I first joined this group just about a year ago, I was so devastated. I am still heart broken, knowing that I will never see Alex again, but at least now I don't burst into tears every time I talk to someone. I do cry, but not uncontrollably. I miss all the sharing that we had. I also miss that we will never grow old together and live a retired life like we had planned. I have intentions of possibly moving to Florida when I retire. I am eligible to retire in 3 1/2 years, so most of his clothes and other belongings, except for tapes and recordings of him, I will have to either give to someone or to some charity. I have slowly given many of his electronics (he was an electronic designer) to a close friend of his. I feel that at least it will stay with someone I know and it will be cherished and not just thrown away. It is just so hard for me to keep all of his belongings. Alex was a lighting and sound designer and he kept everything. And a lot of his equipment were huge. I had to hire someone to clean out three rooms of computers, amps and so on. I eventually want to downsize and you just can't keep everything.

I hope Joanna that you will continue to post here. Everyone is so nice and so helpful. I cannot talk for you, but only tell you how things have gone for me and that you will get better.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Joanna,

You are so wise to realize some of these things so early on...they're some things it took me a while to figure out.

Jeanne,

I donated George's clothes to Sponsors (they aid former inmates readjusting to society), I knew he would want that done with them, he was always about helping people and caring about down and outers. I have heard of a lot of people, however, having quilts made of their clothes, and that would be a wonderful option!

[JeanneC]

Thank you Kay for given me the name. I will check them out when I am ready.

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello Joanna

I'm so relieved that you have a good friend to help you and also that you managed to get some sleep. I think that initially the adrenaline keeps you going and you just keep thinking and thinking, to try to make some sense of the trauma that you have been through.

I know it's disgusting but I am finally going to change the bedsheets tonight (it's been almost 4 months!) and I know that this will be upsetting, but hey, I've got to do it ... just wanted to add that I have had a bath or shower every day before bed, so they weren't dirty BUT couldn't face removing his scent. Like you, I keep one of his pillows under the duvet next to me and it helps. As for doing the laundry, I kept Cliff's unwashed clothes and put them in plastic (to retain the smell) and I ration myself to an item each fortnight so that I can smell him.

Well done for managing to eat a piece of toast. One day and one step at a time. I like the analogy of being like a foal because I definitely feel like that. But each time I manage to accomplish something I do feel proud of myself and know that he is proud of me too. Some days this foal gets up and runs, and other days she gets up and stumbles.

Really glad that you too can motivate yourself by making Denny proud of you. Sometimes that is the one thing that keeps me going, so I don't sit on the couch and into that deep dark place.

In one of your posts you mentioned a Harley. Do you have one? Wow, I don't think I'd be capable of riding a bike! (Not even a bicycle these days!!!)

All is NOT lost of Denny hun, just because you cannot see him doesn't mean that he is not there. And of course you will carry him in your heart too.

You may like this story. I love it and it gives me comfort. It was written to explain death to children, which is probably why I relate well to it

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Belovedheart...4169637500.aspx

Hope you have a strong day today. Get on that Harley ... but not too fast

xxx