I Lost My Dad On Nov 12/04

[techyspice]

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and really am not sure why I am here, except for the fact that I think I need help. I lost my dad on Nov 12th this year, and the resulting grief has paralyzed me. I love him and miss him so much that it seems like getting through each day without him is not possible. I seem to go through the motions when I am in the presence of others, but once alone I fall apart. I find it difficult to get out of bed, burst into tears without notice, and have little patience for those around me. I avoid answering the phone, and dealing with others in general. I dread taking a shower each day because it always ends in a meltdown when the memories, thoughts and the reality of it all swoops in with a vengence. My heart is broken and I do not know what steps I can take to begin repairing it. To top this all off, my thoughts are continually bombarded with the image of my father dying. While a part of me knows that I am blessed to have been with him right until the very end, and that he felt safe enough in the presence of his family to let go of life and end his pain, the other part of me is devestated by this. Before cancer, my father was a vibrant, young at heart man who rode a Harley and loved a good joke. This is the dad I want to remember, not the frail old man who took his last breath while his family watched, helpless. My grief is making me feel like I am failing my family, failing my mother and most of all, failing him. I know that he would not want this for me.

[charley]

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I don't have all the answer for you i wish i did. All i can say to you is these images will fade. The only way i could remember my mum was her dying, that lasted for about 6 months. I still see that sometimes i wont lie to you. But most of the time now i remember her as she was before she got ill. Don't worry about failing anyone, those who love you will truly understand. You love your dad so dearly and it hurts so bad. I honestly know. Keep doing what feels right to you.

Thinking of you,

Charley xx

[sdcmissingyoudad]

HI techy. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my dad. Although it was last sept I am sorry to say it isn't much easier for me yet. I think the shock has just begun to wear off and at most times now I am just angry. My father commited suicide and I am just so mad that he left me. I am also still upset because although he left a letter-about 20 pages-the why is still unexplained. The reasons that I have in my head are all I have and unfortunately that doesn't make it better-only much worse. Christmas was the only time of year my Dad was ever truely happy so it makes this Christmas very, very hard. I have 2 small children tho and Christmas will have to come whether I want it to or not. The kids were 6 and 8 when it happened and I felt they were too young to understand suicide and they might think that it was an ok solution if you were unhappy. So needless to say not much is spoken on a daily basis between my husband and I although I think about him and cry everyday. The bad thing is that the anger I have cannot be expressed to the person it should be and sometimes unknowingly falls onto my husband and children. I know this is not fair, but one little thing and I just fall apart. If anyone out there can help me get through this-god what an angel you would be. Thank you all.

[tattoodlb]

To missingyoudad: My mom committed suicide by overdosing on hundreds of pills. She did not leave a letter, and only spoke with my younger brother before she died. She did not talk to me for the week before she died. The police found her in her apartment (that she had lived in for 2 weeks) and called me. I was very angry, too. We thought she was pulling her life together(her husband died Thanksgiving 2002, right after dinner and she could not save him with CPR) so she was depressed. I spent the last 9 months of her life with her, helping her, taking her to lunch, movies, shopping, helping her with her house, etc. I am happy to have had that time with her, but the fact that she could not talk to me hurts. My mom was 55. She kept telling us she would not see my nephew's 1st birthday and she was right. She talked about death all the time and the fact that she was surprised that she has lived as long as she has. I called her doctor to tell him that she was acting funny with all the pills he gave her and he did nothing about it. A week after that, I called him to tell him that she had od'd on the pills he gave her and he denied having given her the pills, and his name is on the Rx bottles. Anyhow...I know how you feel, I'm sorry for your loss. It has been a year and a half and I still can't believe it.

Peace.

[littledove67]

I understand your grief and the feelings you are having. I lost my father in March of 2002. Even though i has been 1 1/2 years, it still seems as fresh as yesterday. I was with my father for his last breath. There is nothing like the pain of losing a parent. I was the baby of four girls. My dad was my hero. I still have to times of sobbing and helplessness. I just only know that I will one day see my dad again. I think that is what helps me through the hard times.

[dlblad]

These losses are very difficult, as it seems death is the only irreparable part of life.

I lost my Dad in the first week of November. He was in his late 70's, and like someone else mentioned - he was my hero. He was such a strong, vibrant figure in many people's lives that it was hard to see him frail, and fading. I keep pictures around now to re-implant what my actual mental images of him should be.

The saddest thing for me is that I am certain my father was never really resigned to passing away - he talked about playing golf when he got out of the hospital, a moment that never would be. He never whimpered, or complained in any manner. I was scared for him, and maybe scared for myself what the future would bring. My Dad was always in my corner, no matter what was happening - I knew there was one person in this world I could always count on.

I too, relive the last few days over and over, sorting out the days telling myself, "what if...etc,etc,."

My friend's Dad died 7 years ago - he told me he thinks about him everyday, but time has made dealing with it better. I wish that time can heal my wounds and those who are posting on this board.

[Patsy]

I know how everyone feels. I lost my dad on February 3rd. Just two weeks after he was diagnosed with Leukemia. I keep going over the "what ifs". He ended up dying of pnemonia and a heart attack that came on suddenly after his first chemo treatment. He was doing great up until the day before he died. I kept praying that he wouldn't suffer too much from this disease, but i didn't think God would take him this quick. All the grandkids didn't get a chance to see him before he died. We thought we would have had a couple of months to deal with it, and take care. of him.