Conversation Drought

[emptyinside]

I feel so lonely right now. I have friends and family, but it's not the same at all.

I just have no one who fits me conversation-wise like my dad did. He was really into computers and photography like me, so we'd often talk for hours about them -- the latest gadgets, news in the industries, etc. It keeps hitting me more and more that I've no one to talk to like that. My mom, for example, sees no reason why gadgets have to be more than $100 and doesn't understand talking in depth about any of those things. Meanwhile, dad and I would spend hours in stores, researching and drooling.

My dad even understood clothes and my interest in them. He knew my style and would sometimes gift me with something that's exactly my taste. Sometimes I'd waver on buying a pair of shoes, and he'd study them and let me know if they were worth the money craftsmanship wise.

I have friends and family I can talk about my interests to, but I have to disperse my interests among them; none of them share all of my interests across the field like my dad did. Dad and I could be talking about world news one minute and then switch to a computer accessory the next. So I haven't really talked about my interests since It happened. There just doesn't seem to be a point. I talk about generic topics now. I feel so depleted and listless from not being engaged passionately in conversation. I tried to talk to my mom about something today, but she scoffed and had no idea what I was talking about; she wasn't mean about it, but she just doesn't understand. No one seems to fill that space and that's terrifying what my life will be like now. I miss you, daddy.

[Chai]

Em...

I feel the same way, a lot of the time, about my dad. It is very scary, that now our lives cannot be filled by passionate, fulfilling conversation with our dads, on many topics that only our dads could understand.

I talked to my dad about all sorts of things - movies, books, emotions and people, spiritual realizations, my dreams and his, so many things. We really got into it. I didn't talk to other people about all of these things, and definitely not in the same way. There was a certain openess there that I haven't established with other people. Sure, I can talk to anyone about movies, but my dad didn't even talk about movies the same way other people do. He had a unique twist on everything. He dug deep, he found the little bit of magic and higher idea in everything. It seemed he could learn something about life, or find some joy or serenity, in every little thing, even something as "mundane" as a movie.

No one has that. That "it," that dad thing. It just doesn't work. I've tried, like you, with friends and mom and stuff. They're just not the same.

It makes me wonder, if I can ever be the same person that I was around my dad. I mean, there was a certain way that I was when I was out hiking with my dad, or driving around in the car, and I wasn't the same person around others. Part of this is 'cause, I was very possessive of my dad, and didn't talk to a lot of others about the "me and my dad" trips and talks. I just thought, "Well, they wouldn't get it."

And now, they definitely won't get it, 'cause I never told them, and they can't see me and my dad together anymore. It feels very lonely. Half of my team is missing! No one can replace him! Can I ever be the me I was around my dad, or is that way of being gone, too? I think my dad saw the best me I could ever be. I don't want that version of me to be gone. But how can I be like that without him?

I'm with you. (((Hugs))).

[Boo Mayhew]

Dear EmptyInside

I'm sorry you had a bad Sunday too. These milestones seem to have the power to knock us off our feet and almost send us back to square one.

I just wanted to add that when my Dad died the biggest thing I missed was his counsel, his intellect and our talks. I still do sometimes, although not so often these days.

But, what I have found is that over the years I have finally "got" what I couldn't quite grasp intellectually back then ... and find that I almost "hear" his voice in some of the decision making that I do. This ability to almost internalize (can't think of how else to describe it) him into yourself will come to you eventually too and you will feel the warmth from it.

For me personally, I think that Cliff healed me from the loss of both my parents, I really do. I didn't realize it at the time, but he and my Dad shared a lot of traits, values and feelings etc. So I was lucky. I then had a man whose counsel, intellect and talks I valued as much, even more actually, than my Dad. I know that is hard for you to believe right now, but what I wish for you and for Chai is that you will be lucky enough to find someone with those qualities that you sorely miss in your future. (I don't want to offend you if you already have partners ... but am sure that you understand what I am trying to say).

xx

[emptyinside]

Chai, I think you hit it right on the head. I am not the same person without my dad, and I don't know if I can ever get that me back. You know how you can feel so different depending on who's in your company? Like you can feel like the serious and mature you among colleagues, the silly you with your friends, etc. I felt the most all-around me with my dad; it wasn't a temporary skin. He also had interesting takes on subjects, so I was always eager to find out his opinions. We could just talk for hours over a meal, and I could crack jokes and tell stories that were the most me. Even with people I'm close with, it's still not the same feeling as I had with my dad. I'm even not that me with my mom. I was such a chip off the old block. I was happiest when I was chatting with dad about my hopes and dreams and fears.

These days I feel like an actress. I haven't been me since I last talked to my dad. I wonder if that old me is gone, then? That idea kind of makes me feel better, for some reason, like it shows the world just how important he was to me. I want my dad back so I can be me again. Until then, I'll just be that actress, I guess, creating a different storyline. Thank you for getting it.

[leeann]

and I don't know if I can ever get that me back

I haven't been able to get that me back either. But somehow... I don't think I'm supposed to.

I have had to learn to live life differently and I have evolved.. for better or worse... into someone new and different in many subtle and not so subtle ways.

It isn't easy Em. I know that.... accutely.

((((((hugs)))))

leeann

[valley]

Em and Chai,

I just spent the evening with my daughter, a treat as she lives many miles from me. As we sat at her kitchen table she talked again about how much she misses her dad. They loved to laugh and joked about all kinds of things and shared so much. She and I are also close, but of course I am my own person and quite honestly do not have the great ability Tom had to laugh at the absurdities of life and not take everything so seriously.

I recognize this difference and feel the same loss my daughter does.....her father, my husband. We talked a bit about this, her loss of the man she so looked up to, how he made her feel so good about herself and others. She has a good husband who also loved her dad. No one can replace another, and we all feel the loss of Tom and the unique human he was.

For me, when I listen to my daughter, watch her in action, I can see so much of her father in her. This is wonderful and makes me feel good. She carries her father deep within her and someday she will beable to feel him inside. That he is with her....always. For both of us now.....my daughter and I....we still want Tom's physical presence, his joyful energy, his take on the world......we have not moved to a place where we are accepting of this loss. But maybe we are starting to accept it a bit more. As I say, for me to see my husband in our daughter is quite wonderful.

I am glad you had such great relationships with your fathers and of course that loss is tremendous. Bless you both.

Valley