Going Crazy Missing My Dog

[ebsmom]

I'm missing Ebony so bad these days that i don't know what to do with myself. We used to spend an average of about 20 hours a day together. I buckled her into her doggy seatbelt whenever i could take her with me for errands or appointments. I loved to be with her.

I've stopped sobbing all the time. I'm glad for that. It was messing up my contacts so i couldn't see. Now it's just this ache inside, longing to share my chair with her, listening for her feet following me around, seeing her looking all fuzzy when she first woke up. I miss the jingle of her tags when she shook herself and the sound she made when she yawned and stretched--first the front legs, then the back legs.

Where do i put the guilt i feel over the days before her life ended? She was my baby and whenever she hurt, i hurt. Her broken leg was hurting her but i didn't know it until hours before she bit me. I let her be in pain without recognizing it. She had been fine that morning, running and thumping her cast on the floor. But did she really have a brain tumor or some other type of neurological problem? Was that what made her bit me? Was i too quick to agree that she should be euthanized? I knew that was a possibility when my husband and son took her to the vet. Why didn't i go along? I know she was terrified there. Not only that, her mom had abandoned her. I feel terrible about that. I didn't want her to have to die alone. I feel so bad about that and there is nothing i can do about it now.

I want so much to believe that pets and people share the same afterlife. I can't bear to think of my Ebster just gone. I just want to stroke her and rub her ears while i tell her that i love her. She was such a good dog. It hurts so bad to think that i will never see her again. She was my best friend, in many ways even closer than my husband.

We are thinking very seriously of getting another dog in a week or so. It certainly won't replace Ebony but we do have enough love to share with another pet. Maybe training another dog will help to ease the pain of Ebony's loss. There will probably always be things that will make me think about Eb. I hope that in time they become warm and happy thoughts.

Thanks for listening. There aren't many people who understand the magnitude of grief when one loses a pet. My husband knows that i miss Ebony but he doesn't really want to hear it. Very few others in my life understand how close i was to Ebony. They don't get that she was a part of everything i did. Now when i do those things that i did when she was here, there is a sharp pain inside when i look around to see where she is and then remember that she isn't here.

Ebsmom

[Karen8]

Dear ebsmom,

I feel so sad that you are having such a hard time. Believe me, I understand the guilt that you are going through. I put my cat, Dinty, to sleep on May 3, 2009. He had kidney failure and I was treating him for 11 months. He finally got so weak and stopped eating and that is when I decided it was time to say good-bye.

I also undestand how there aren't many people who understand how close we get to our furry babies. Dinty and I were like "soul mates". We understood each other.

I questioned my decision to have him put to sleep and it was eating me up that maybe he wasn't ready. I don't know how you feel about this, but I had an animal communicator "talk" with him. At first he didn't cross over because he "wanted to stay with Mom". The animal communicator asked him if he was ready to pass on and he said "no". I felt horrible. She helped him cross over then in a couple days I asked her to ask him again if it was ok for him to pass and he said "yes, my body was failing and it was my time". He told her that he visits me (she described me sitting on a couch and him on the floor - which he always did!). I wanted her to tell him that I was proud of him crossing over and he said "of course she is proud of me". She told me that whatever she said, he seemed to already know. He said he has lots of friends and he is doing very well.

I don't want to push this on you, but if you are interested, you can send me a note and I'll give you more information. My boyfriend thought I had totally lost my mind by doing this, but he said if it made me feel better than that is all that mattered. I feel a lot better knowing that he is safe and happy and out of pain. And yes, I feel I will see him again!

Take care - I know it's hard and you are not alone.

Karen

[ebsmom]

Thanks so much for your support, Karen. It is so lonely without Ebony AND without the understanding of other people. I could talk about Ebby for hours but people are quicdkly bored. My husband doesn't like to talk about things that are painful. He isn't rude or mean or anything but the conversation just tends to flop.

Dinty must have been a really special kitty. I'm glad that you found help from the animal communicator. It sounds like she really did a good job for you. No, i don't think you're crazy. There are lots of things that happen in the world that we don't understand. I don't think it's something i want to try though. I'm just not comfortable with it for me.

It would be cool if Dinty and Ebony could have been friends. Ebony would have wanted to chase Dinty at first. If Dinty would have stood his ground, she would have straightened out! Then they could have been friends and played and cuddled with one another. Maybe wherever they are they can meet.

Take good care of yourself, Karen! I've got a stuffed animal that looks somewhat like Ebony. She was very soft and the stuffed animal is soft, too. I can pet it a little when i'm lonely for Eb. It isn't quite the same but i sleep with it. It brings me comfort. Maybe people think i'm crazy about that!

Ebsmom

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I hope by now you've both found your way to my Grief Healing Web site, which is filled with information, comfort and support for grieving animal lovers (at www.griefhealing.com).

You're right that all too often the pain of pet loss is trivialized by those who do not understand the strength and value of the human-animal bond ~ but you will find yourselves among kindred spirits here.

When you visit and explore Grief Healing, see these pages especially:

Pet Loss Articles

Animal Communicators

[Karen8]

I received this poem from a friend of mine when Dinty died. I want to share it with you.

MY FOREVER PET

There's something missing in my home,

I feel it day and night,

I know it will take time and strength

before things feel quite right.

But just for now, I need to mourn,

My heart -- it needs to mend.

Though some may say, "It's just a pet,"

I know I've lost a friend.

You've brought such laughter to my home,

and richness to my days.

A constant friend through joy or loss

with gentle, loving ways.

Companion, friend, and confidante,

A friend I won't forget.

You'll live forever in my heart,

My sweet, forever pet.

-- Susanne Taylor

Karen

[ebsmom]

Sweet poem, Karen. In thinking about getting a new dog in the near future, it is confusing to think about what that means about Ebony. It helps to think of her as alive in my heart forever. I often wonder if getting another dog is a betrayal of her. I know that no other dog will ever take her place. I think that there is enough room in my heart for another doggy relationship.

I don't think that another dog will take Ebony's place. Maybe it will distract me some from her loss. Will it? Is it bad that i don't want to grieve as deeply as possible? I don't think that's necessary. I don't think i'm trying to side-step anything. I just want to get a new dog and start training. I had just gotten Ebony walking with me without a leash. She still had a streak of mischief but she was obedient. She was such a sweet girl.

I missed Ebby a lot today. It was the first day since her death that i had the house alone. Both kids were at work by noon and the first one home will be after 8 PM. Those used to be the days when Ebony and i would enjoy one another. I kept thinking that she was just around the corner like she usually was. I'd go downstairs and listen for her feet on the floor upstairs--just in case she decided she wanted to get into something. I was walking around the house watering my plants and realized that i don't have to close all the doors to keep her from finding something unauthorized to bark at and/or play with. When i was outside in the flower garden, the rustle of leaves wasn't her coming to see me for a minute before running off to find an adventure. There was no one to go on a couple of errands with me. The lady at the bank didn't see her in the back seat and offer her a treat. I just miss her all the time. I wonder when i will stop missing her.

Again, thanks for listening...

[Karen8]

Ebsmom,

No, I don't think getting another dog is betraying Ebony at all. Just think about all the dogs out there who need a good home and someone to love. You seem to be very caring with lots of love to give. Any dog would be happy for you to be their mom. And getting another dog would not replace Ebony.

I thought about getting another cat after Dinty died. I still have one cat, Onyx. I thought she might get lonely and want a companion, but she is getting old and I think she is happy with all the extra attention she is getting now.

When Dinty was alive, for the past 11 months, he was on medication. He got medicine every morning and medicine and fluids every evening. I would schedule everything around him. Some days, I was just tired and didn't want to go through the "hassle" of giving him his medication, but I always did. In a way, it is a relief that I don't have to do that, but if I could have him back, I'd do it again in a second.

I don't think you will ever stop missing Ebony (and you shouldn't), but it will get easier.

I'll listen any time!

Karen

[ebsmom]

You know, Karen, i think i also feel some relief with losing Ebby. In March, she had abdominal surgery to remove a bone which she ate--completely. I had to carry her everywhere because she couldn't climb stairs or get up on "her" couch or bed. She also required medications--pain meds every eight hours around the clock and an antibiotic for a week.

Once Ebony had nearly recovered from her surgery we began walking daily, trying to build up to our old three-mile walk every morning. We did three miles a couple of times but were not there regularly. Then, coming up to our driveway on the way home, she saw a squirrel and took off after it. She turned sharp following the little bugger and instantly stopped with her back leg in the air. She'd broken her leg.

Again i was carrying her everywhere. By this time, she was so terrified of the vet (She was a total wimp about pain!), she wouldn't get out of the car. She'd have to be muzzled for even me to get her out and take her in. She was not happy. One time i had to get a tech to help me!

The need for muzzling is the area in which i feel relief. As my familiy and i have thought about it, we have seen how she was getting more and more irritable and unpredictable. (I feel like i shouldn't say that because i don't want people to think ill of my girl. Before this all started, she was a sweet, super smart, fun-loving baby.) I was starting to worry everyday that she was going to get upset with someone and start gnawing on their feet. I never worried about her doing that to me, though. She was a one-person dog in many ways and i was her person. I was certain she would never bite me...

I admire you for devoting your time to Onyx right now. I think i would be so scared of losing her that i would adopt another kitty or two to protect myself from the loneliness and pain when she goes. I can see where people like to have two pets or more at a time. At least when one dies, you and the others can mourn together and the activity of the other pets helps keep you going. We would probably have two dogs if we could afford it but if Ebony was a good example of vet bills, we are certain that one is enough!

I appreciate "talking" with you, Karen. It comforts me. I hope that others are finding help here, too.

Now, if you will excuse me, i must go deal with my 22-year-old son whose alarm has been beeping for a half hour! (Why? He doesn't have to work for four hours and he never gets up until it is time to get ready and go!)

[CharlieGirl99]

Hi Ebbsmom,

I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet baby, Ebony. I couldn't help but cry too when reading your story. I hope you know that you did everything you could for her and have absolutley nothing to feel guilty about. You gave her a wonderful life and she knew how much you loved her. She would want you to be happy, and in no way would be upset if a new puppy would help ease your pain.

I also lost my little dog almost three weeks ago (Scarlett), and cried nonstop for the first week because I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. It's an unbearable weight and you're so right - very few people "get it".

If this helps, we also considered adopting another puppy, soon after we lost Scarlett. The pain started to ease a little after the second week, and my oldest son really wanted to get another dog - after talking things over with my husband, we agreed. After a few days of searching, we found rescued our new puppy, Zoe this past Monday.

Zoe will never replace Scarlett, and it'll take me a little longer than usual to bond with her because of my strong attchment to Scarlett. But, I will say that my mood has tremendously improved and I find that it's no longer difficult to go home because there's a new little ball of love waiting to greet me when I get there (rather than just the haunting memories of all the times I spent with Scarlett). I love this new puppy and am thankful that we didn't wait to get her. She really seems to have helped me focus on more positive thoughts like giving her a good future, rather than beating myself up about what happened to Scarlett in the past.

(((((hugs))))) to you and your family.

Tina

[ebsmom]

Thanks for your words, Tina! It really does help me to communicate with people who get it. I do have people around who care about me but few who understand the deep bond that i had with the Ebster.

We are going to find another pet soon. My class reunion is this weekend so we will be out of town. We didn't want to get a new baby and then live him/her here with our (good, but young adult, not yet mature) kids! It is somewhat exciting to think of playing with and training and loving a new pet. I still have a lot of trouble letting go of the guilt that i feel in adopting someone new. I don't want to be disloyal to Ebony. I so much hope that someday i will see her again.

Tina, thanks for sharing your experiences so far with adopting Zoe to be Scarlett's little sister. I know that i will easily fall in love with another dog. I have always loved animals and they seem to know that i love them. It just is so hard because i want Ebony back. I miss HER. I can love another dog but no other dog will ever be her. I don't think i would expect another dog to take her place or expect it to do the things she used to do. But missing her is the biggest problem now. I hope a new baby can take some of that pain away.

I'm so glad you guys are willing to listen!

Ebsmom

[tatertot2008]

I understand how you feel in more ways than even I want to imagine. My chihuahua of 2 yrs passed away on August 23,2009. Of what is now thought to be parvo. How does this happen? I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I thought we grow old together and he would watch my children live for college. I feel guilty because he never acted sick until that day, and by the time I got "Little Man" to the dr. it was too late to stop this horrible disease. I was with him in the end and I don't feel that it helps me everyday, because all I see is his last breath.I told him I would be okay that he could go and he looked at me. I bent down for us to share one last kiss and he took his last breath. The pain is unbearable, I feel that a large piece of me died with him that day. I never realized how much we relied on each other, until I was left here... alone. I just feel that he was one of my children, I helped deliver when he was born. And I am angry at the same time because the vet never led me to believe he was serious enough to die. Just that quickly my best friend, companion, and the love of my life is no longer sitting beside me on the couch.

When will the pain stop, when can I be happy again without feeling guilty? Someone help me... please. thank you.

Tatertot2008

[smiley]

I'm missing Ebony so bad these days that i don't know what to do with myself. We used to spend an average of about 20 hours a day together. I buckled her into her doggy seatbelt whenever i could take her with me for errands or appointments. I loved to be with her.

I've stopped sobbing all the time. I'm glad for that. It was messing up my contacts so i couldn't see. Now it's just this ache inside, longing to share my chair with her, listening for her feet following me around, seeing her looking all fuzzy when she first woke up. I miss the jingle of her tags when she shook herself and the sound she made when she yawned and stretched--first the front legs, then the back legs.

Where do i put the guilt i feel over the days before her life ended? She was my baby and whenever she hurt, i hurt. Her broken leg was hurting her but i didn't know it until hours before she bit me. I let her be in pain without recognizing it. She had been fine that morning, running and thumping her cast on the floor. But did she really have a brain tumor or some other type of neurological problem? Was that what made her bit me? Was i too quick to agree that she should be euthanized? I knew that was a possibility when my husband and son took her to the vet. Why didn't i go along? I know she was terrified there. Not only that, her mom had abandoned her. I feel terrible about that. I didn't want her to have to die alone. I feel so bad about that and there is nothing i can do about it now.

I want so much to believe that pets and people share the same afterlife. I can't bear to think of my Ebster just gone. I just want to stroke her and rub her ears while i tell her that i love her. She was such a good dog. It hurts so bad to think that i will never see her again. She was my best friend, in many ways even closer than my husband.

We are thinking very seriously of getting another dog in a week or so. It certainly won't replace Ebony but we do have enough love to share with another pet. Maybe training another dog will help to ease the pain of Ebony's loss. There will probably always be things that will make me think about Eb. I hope that in time they become warm and happy thoughts.

Thanks for listening. There aren't many people who understand the magnitude of grief when one loses a pet. My husband knows that i miss Ebony but he doesn't really want to hear it. Very few others in my life understand how close i was to Ebony. They don't get that she was a part of everything i did. Now when i do those things that i did when she was here, there is a sharp pain inside when i look around to see where she is and then remember that she isn't here.

Ebsmom

[smiley]

I am so sorry about your loss. I wondered the same thoughts when I lost my Peppers. She was my four legged child and such a part of my life. I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her again. Since then I have read the Rainbow Bridge and really beleive that she is waiting for me on the other side of the bridge. I also look towards the bible because of my faith and I believe the bible supports this idea in its own way. It talks about our heavenly father wanting us to be happy in heaven and what would make me happy is to see my Peppers again. My heart and prayers are with you.