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Stuck And Need To Move On


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Hi All,

I need to move on farther along my journey but have come to a brick wall, in the way of the memories of my dad... My dad has done some bad things to me when I was young and he and I are the only ones who knew about it... I lost trust with him after this and can remember some good times but when people ask I did love him but do not have the same feeling as I do when talking about my mom... I know I have to learn how to forgive him for what he has done and because no one else knows it has been really hard to start the healing phrase of this.... It has been five years since I lost my mom and almost five years since my dad died... Take care Shelley

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Thanks Marty,

I know these articles will help me, I just need to do something to get past this wall I am stuck on now... I never realize what these memories really meant till I talk with a counsellor and they came out... My dad loved me but he showed it in a way that was not proper even for a parent... Now I have all these feelings so mixed up that I need help figuring out what to do next... i guess I need to find a way to forgive him even though he is gone so that I can move on... Thanks for the information... Shelley

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Shelley, I really hope that you get the help because you are a loving kind person, and you deserve peace and happiness.

My second-cousin went through something similar (I think) but her Dad hasn't died (or at least I don't think he has, because I severed all ties to him) ... and she is still having counselling to attempt to move on and forgive him too.

What she told me is this. It took her a long time to realize that his actions/behaviour were his and she was not accountable for them. Nonetheless he was still her father and that meant that she actually loves the person that she feels she should hate. So ... very confusing for her. And you.

Keep on with the counselling - thank god for counsellors.

Hugs to you

Boo

x

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Hi Boo Mayhew,

Thank you for your reply, yes I am very thankful for counsellors and that people do care about others... I really appreciate that you took the time to reply... I really think done deep I do love him but just got to get past the bad thoughts... Shelley

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Dear Shelley,

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I once read that for a child to disown their parent, regardless of the abuse recieved, is the equivalent of losing a limb. We need that love from them, so we do what is necessary to survive. The abuse is never, ever, ever the fault of the child. I applaud you for taking the necessary steps to work through this. You are brave and strong and in my prayers.

Kath

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Hi Kath,

Thank you for your kind words and since I have the counsellor to talk with I think I can work it out but do not feel the need to include any of my siblings because I just think they will not believe me and blame me for trying to give him a bad name... I feel when I am through this I will be stronger and maybe one day I can say it to the family but for now I am me and that is what I need to do... Shelley

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All

Help, I do not what came over me but I just let it all out about my father in front of my sister who than called me a liar... She said that dad was this great man and we should do something for the fifth anniversary and thats when it all came out... Now here I am consider the liar of the family... Now what???

tearfully Shelley

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Shelley, my heart goes out to you, because when my second-cousin "went public" about her father, it literally divided our family (temporarily) over whether they believed her or her father.

My father literally vomited with shock and didn't sleep for 3 nights in a row because he was so so distraught and upset (he had been friends with her dad as well as being related through her dad marrying my dad's cousin - they were similar ages) and also had the guilt that he had let me sleep at their home when I was a young teen ... I was mercifully never a victim.

To be honest with you, it happened to you, therefore you are the #1 priority and you are the one who is suffering. You cannot control who believes you in your family ... it is not your responsibility either, it is their choice alone whether to accept/believe this has happened ... although I know that it will be so incredibly important to you that you are heard and believed by your sibling(s).

If I put myself in your sister's shoes, and I genuinely had no inkling that this had ever happened (to me or anyone else) at the hands of your father, and I had experienced nothing other than a normal loving relationship with him, then I know that I would be outraged too, and disbelieving.

I really don't know what you can do other than carry on with your counselling. Perhaps your counsellor can suggest how to talk with your sister about it?

Hang in there

x

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  • 3 weeks later...

StarKiss,

I just read your post and I'm sure that you have some mixed emotions about your father, whether to forgive him, and letting your self be able to move on. Not moving on is going to eat you away, and make you more angry the longer you carry this baggage. Knowing that you weren't the blame for this sitituation. You have to know the feelings that you have are real and painful right now. If I might suggest to you, write a letter to him, and tell him what you feel, and how angry you at him, in fact being disappointed in him. Sometimes when we are able to write our feeling down it starts a new process for us. Reading it out loud by your self or have a good friend to be there for moral support. If you can't do it is alright, maybe down the road you will be able to do this.

I'm glad that you are having some thepary done, they have away of getting to the source. I just thought maybe this would give you another out to express your feeling. You are a strong person and you will come to terms with what is right for you. Don't continuing beating yourself up, when the time is right you will know. I will say some pray's for guidance for you. Take care, and keep posting.

Deborah

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Hi Deborah,

I have wrote the letter and it did help me get some of the feelings I have inside come out in a way that no one can judge me or know everything that was inside unless I share but it did help and with my counsellor I will work on more of these feelings...Take care Shelley

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  • 8 months later...

Hi All,

I had forgotten I had posted about my dad earlier, My therapist has been great and we have been working on a weekly basis about the abuse my dad did to me... I have tried many things and found the more that i open up too the better I am feeling... We done empty chair exercises and I have wrote him a letter too... I still have not really became angry at him but realize that he must have had some real problems to do this to his little girl... Maybe soon I will be able to say I forgive you dad but right now I am continuing with therapy both with face to face and art therapy too... SHelley

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hi Shelley,

I hope so much you will one day post that you have been able to forgive him, I CANNOT even fathom how hard this must be. My heart goes out to you, everyone deserves a Dad who simply takes care of you in the right way and I'm sorry you didn't have that. I'm glad you know that this was his problem and that he was very sick and that none of it is your fault.

You are so brave working so hard on facing this and I just wish you so much peace.

hugs and love to you as always

niamh

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Hi All,

I just finished a book called The Battle belongs to the Lord by Joyce Meyers and what a great book it was, it made me realize that other people are in the same way as me... Joyce was abused while growing up too and she really makes you think about what the Lord will do for you if you let Him... I was not a real church person but the more I think about it Jesus is there if and when we need Him no questions asked... Shelley

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Hi All,

How I am stuck right now, I can not move forward or backward... All I do is struggle to any movement, I want to finally do something with the remains of my parents and I so want to tell the family about the abuse...My problem right now is making the family realize how important it is to take care of the remains without telling them about the abuse... I just do not know if I can handle both situations together, I think the family would not understand if I told them about the abuse right now... I am so stuck on what to do... I just want it to be over... Shelley

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Hi All,

I just feel like I just need to give my siblings a swift kick in the rear to get them to do something, they all know something has to be done and for the longest time I knew that they were waiting for me to make the decision but now that I am ready and willing to do it no one else wants to.. My therapist thinks that in order for me to start the forgiving process I need to get this done... She also does not want me to tell the family about the abuse until after the remains have been dealt with... Shelley

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