One Month Since Mom Passed Away

[green2010]

I don't feel like I'll be able to handle this. I know that I'm in the beginning stages when it's most intense, but the sadness is too overwhelming for me. I still need her in my life. I feel that her doctors cheated her out of time by not paying attention to certain things. I wake up with a knot in my stomach.

Right now I wish I could start my whole life over. I wish I could have another chance. I just feel so lost without my Mom. Both my parents are gone now. I'm a grown woman so I should be strong, but I'm not. When my Dad died I had my Mom to help me through it. Now I have no one. I've reached out to a church grief group but it really doesn't help.

[mlg]

(((((hugs))))))))

Hope this little cyber hug will comfort you in some way. I think the biggest thing is just what you said. When your dad died you still had your mom. It is so hard to feel you are so alone in going through this. I don't know how I will feel when something happens to my mom. I have always done everything I can for her but still resent how she treated me as a child. She doesn't remember a lot of it and when I mention things she feels terrible, but so did I when it was happening. It sounds like your relationship was much different. It will take you lots of time. Try to remember how long it took for things with you dad and maybe it will make you feel better. Just take baby steps and you will finally make it.

[green2010]

Thank you Mary Linda. It's so hard. I'm glad I appreciated my Mom when I had her. I was always afraid something would happen to her so I always told her how much I loved her.

[JamesI]

I too told my mother every day that I loved her, because, I had a feeling that I could lose her at anytime. My mother was 87 and she had some health issues, but, she was doing well. Age makes no difference. We never want to see them go.

Loving your mother and missing her so much now is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. You are grieving your mother and although it may hurt, it should help you feel better, sometimes. Let's face it, it is rough, but, you can do it.

You need to get through it. You need to let it out. Just take your time and let it out at your own pace.

I know what you mean about when your father died, you had your mother to help you through it, but remember, your mother also had you to help her through it.

I think that 1 month is too soon for you to be in a group setting. I was told to wait at least 3 months, before joining a group.

You may consider seeing a grief counselor.

Is there a friend or relative you can call on the phone or speak with for comfort? I know from own experience that everyone tells you to call if you need anything, but, then, they are not always there when you really need them.

I have been fortunate with 1 or 2 friends that do listen when I call them, and that does help at times.

It has been 5 months since my mother passed away and I still miss her very much and I cry when I need to.

This website is very helpful. Just reading the posts does help and its comforting to get some replies too.

Just take it one day at a time.

JamesI

[green2010]

Thank you James. I don't really have someone I can call. I have people who care but then they don't like talking about this. It's uncomfortable for people. Plus I find myself being angry at some members of my family because they weren't as good to my Mom when she was alive as they should have been. I don't know, I guess I'm just going through different emotions.

I do have a meeting scheduled this week with a grief counselor from a hospice place. I'm not sure what happens in those meetings but I'll go anyway. I'm not sure if I should keep up with the grief group. Maybe I'll ask the grief counselor what she thinks. I guess I just have to accept that this year will be very hard and maybe the rest of my life will be hard too.

[JamesI]

I know what you mean about people not liking to talk about grief. Its good to see a grief counselor. It does help.

If you get a chance before seeing the counselor or whenever you feel up to it, get to the library and read a book on grief. I've been reading alot of books on grief and it did help me, especially, when I was not able to get to talk to someone.

It is very important that you see a grief counselor. The grief counselor will help you. Its been 1 month and, yes, it is hard, but, as time goes by it will get better, and, don't get discouraged because there are days that you will feel better and there are days that you may not feel so great.

I also know what you mean about missing your parents. I miss mine too. My father died 10 years ago and my mother died on March 20, 2009, 5 months ago. I'm a grown man, so, I still loved them very much and I miss them very much. We are not weak, we are strong. You need strength to grieve and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness. You need to let it out. Crying lets out the toxins. Crying will help heal. So, if you need to cry, cry.

Just keep reading these posts. There are alot of caring people in this group and it can be helpful to read their posts, and their suggestions and advice may help too.

We are all on this journey together and we may be able to help each other.

Take care of yourself.

James

[Kathy61]

I felt the same way you do. My mom died a year ago the 25th. The first few months the grief was excruciating. I would cry myself to sleep every night and wake up crying. I felt so lost and alone. I couldn't imagine a life without my mom. She was the strength of our family. I don't remember what I did from day to day for the first six months. I was like a zombie. I couldn't function and thank God I have a great husband who took care of everything for me. He even did our Christmas shopping last year. (He never shops.) Like you, my father had died many years before. I remember the grief being strong, but I had to channel it because I had to be there for mom and I had small children at home that needed my strength. It's funny how things turn around. When my father died my daughter was 13 and my son 3. They had a hard time with his death and I had to be there to support them through it. Move forward to now, my daughter and son have been such strength for me through this.

I don't know if you ever lose the pain of their loss. There is still a empty spot in my heart from the loss of my dad. And a huge hole in my heart from the loss of mom. But I think you learn to take baby steps and just learn to take it day by day. One thing that my counselor said is allow yourself to cry when you need to. I did about a week ago. The hard cry, you know when you cry outloud and your whole body shakes. I am far from healed, but I do have good days now. I sought help from a professional counselor and I was refered to a mental health professional because I was in deep depression. I am on medication which had helped immensly and will probably be able to ween off of it soon. One thing that my counselor suggested and I started doing was journaling. My journal entries are actually letters to my mom. It's a way of taking what is inside, the pain, and releasing it on paper. Some people do poems some express their day to day experiences. This has helped me as well. I tell her what I am feeling in the letter to her or I tell her what I have been doing or events that she would have enjoyed being a part of. I then ask God to pass it on to her. Maybe she sees them maybe not, but for my own healing process I have to believe that she does.

I have told my husband that I have to go before him because I can't handle grief very well. He said how do you think I am going to handle it if I lose you? The point is that we all have to deal with this in our lives and we do get through it. I don't think that there is anything more difficult to deal with then the death of someone we love. I have been through problems with my children, health problems, marital problems, financial problems and non of these even come close to the stress and pain of the death of someone we love.

You came to a great place. It's a great place of release. Sometimes when I am feeling bad I get on here and say what I am feeling. I always get such caring responses and everyone has either felt the same way I feel or is experiencing it themselves and this helps me to feel that I am not so alone in this dark place called grief.

I just want to clarify something, Not everyone has to go on anti-depressive medication. Don't think that if you go to a counselor they will put you on medication. I did because I was mom's care taker for the last three months of her life and was with her constantly. I watched as her body deterioated and she became weaker and weaker and the pain she endured. I held it together for her but when she died I think I went through something like a breakdown. It all caught up with me.

You will get through this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathy

[Sad for Dad]

I feel the same way as you. When I lost my Mom, I had my Dad there with me and I had to be strong for him. Now, it's just me.

I don't have any siblings and although my friends are great, I hate to call them all the time with my "saddness".

I know it's just something that you go through and we will get through it, it is just the time that it takes in my opinion to get there.

I think for me also, reading the stories on this board has helped me to know that I'm not alone and there are so many other people experiencing the same thing I am.

[green2010]

Hi Kathy and Sad for Dad - I guess we're all in the same boat. It's been reassuring to meet people online who were as close to their Moms and understand how I feel.

Today was very hard. I think waves of reality hit me sometimes and the shock wears off a little more as time passes. I was balling my eyes out tonight in my car. I pulled over and just let myself cry as loud as I wanted. It seems like my car is the only place I feel free to just let it all out.

It's getting harder for me to accept that I won't ever see her again. My future feels so empty. I know that I will somehow create some type of existence without her but it will be so drastically different and not as special as if she were here.

It bothers me when I see other people in my family simply go on with their lives. Sometimes I remember negative things people did to her and it makes me really angry at the person. I'm finding I get more resentful as time goes by.

[Sad for Dad]

Green, I can totally sympathise with you.

On Thursday of this week was 1 month since my Father passed away. Like so many people here, I can't even begin to comprehend how life goes on. I spent a lot of time on Thursday looking at pictures and trying to come to the realization that physically, I can't hug or hold my Dad or have him hug me when I've had a bad day.

How does one go on? I have no clue. I have no parents left to ask and each day is such a struggle. Last Saturday I headed out to do my grocery shopping and as I was turing onto the main street, a coach and limo followed by a funeral process passed in front of me. I immediately was filled with tears - I don't know if I was sad for the folks who were just going through this or was I reliving what I had just gone through a month ago.

I wish there were some answers that would take the burden off our shoulders....only time will tell