Almost 1 Year Since Mom Passed.

[Kathy61]

On the 25th it will be 1 year since mom passed away. This month has been horrible. It's like all the pain is back again, like it never left. It probably didn't I just tried to hide it or something. I don't know. I keep having flash backs, and the dreams... I just miss her sooooo much. I miss our times together, our talks.

My brother came to my house on Monday, we had lunch. He says there's a buyer for mom's house. This too causes some pain. I know that we can't leave it empty and I won't go back in as I want to remember it the way it was not an empty shell, but it will always be the family home. Now it will belong to someone else. The good thing is that it's a young family with a small child. I know that mom would have wanted it to go to a young family. She and dad raised the four of us in this house. Now there will be new life in it again. We briefly mentioned mom and I could see the pain in his eyes too. I know he has had to go inside the house several times with the realtor. It must be very difficult for him so the sell for him will be a relief. When we hugged goodbye he held on to me a little longer then usual. I don't know if he sensed my pain or if he was feeling the same thing.

I just want to get to the point that I can remember the good times without the pain of her absence. When memories will no longer bring the tears. When I can think of her and smile instead of ache. When this hole in my heart won't seem so large. From the outside everyone thinks I'm doing just fine but inside I feel like I'm breaking apart. I tell myself that I should be past this now it's been a year. Why am I going through this again? I really thought I was doing great but I've been slapped back into reality.

I guess I just needed to vent. This has always been a great place to release. Thank you.

[Carla Dee]

Dear Kathy,

First off I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your mom. My mom passed away in March of 2009 also and I remember those days that seemed to run into each other and how the tears just never seemed to stop. It's been almost six months and I still have those days but they don't seem so raw! Funny, moms house is going thru escrow as we speak and hopefully by next week it will be done. It's been rather challenging for me due to the fact that my husband and I lived with my Mom and Step Father the last years of their lives. My step father passed away four years ago and I agree with you it was easier when he passed because I had mom to lean on when I was feeling sad. I don't think there's

a better shoulder to lean on then your own moms!

I miss mom so much and even though it's been half of a year it still is hard.. I kind of describe it like a scab- just as soon as it starts healing something comes along and opens it up.. My daughter called yesterday on the way home from work and was crying because someone had mentioned using one of moms recipes in a cookbook they were making. Well, my daughter called me crying and then in turn there I went.. My brother wrote a letter about how he was feeling and then again... The house issue is a big thing but we are almost done with that so we will venture on from there.

I can also relate to you about how everyone thinks you are doing well but on the inside I'm a mess.. I keep telling myself that I'll feel better. I have to tell myself it's One Day at a Time- Baby Steps.. Yes, this is a great place to vent and let your hair hang down.. I think it's nice just to talk to someone that has been thru similar situations.. Thanks, Carla

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You may find this post (and all the posts in the entire thread, actually) to be helpful: Still Going Nuts After 4 Months, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...post&p=4121

[DebFromLodi]

My mom has been gone for a year and a half and I still feel so empty inside. The house she lived in was actually owned by my brother and when we had to put her in a home, she was no longer able to walk after knee surgery, my brother decided to sell the house. I am so grateful now that he sold it before she died. I drive by the house now, the house i lived in for over 35 years (was too hard to leave my mom, i kept going home) and it just kills me. I want so bad to go inside but know that it would look so different and I could not bear that. Every day and every single night I talk to her, out loud, as if she was really there. I pray for a dream so I can talk to her, but never do.. I just want to see her beautiful face again and hear her tell me she loves me. Her face always lit up and she smiled when I would walk throught the door of the home we had to put her in. Always a big smile and "hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" and alway "i love you." Then on Feb 2, 2008 we all stood by her bed and watched her slip away. It was 11:34 a.m. She was with us when we came into the world, we were with her when she left.

I love you Mom, and miss you so very, very much.

[Carla Dee]

It's been 6 long months since Mom has passed and I finally thought I was healing from this horrible rollercoaster ride.. Well, tonight is one of those nights that lets me know that I'm still riding one of the waves. This week moms house is going thru escrow.. Reality is sinking in that I won't be able to go there anymore.. I also realize that we had to sell the house because we no longer live there-it's just a big empty shell.. Funny, sometimes I feel the same way.. I think I'm strong but in times like this I feel real weak. However, I know I'm doing much better because in the beginning I just felt numb, angry and like the small child that would run to mom to make me feel better when I hurt.. I think the reason I'm scared now is knowing it is fianality and no going back.. I know this too is a bridge to my healing and it's a new stepping stone each and every day..

Not sure why I have come here to vent but it's nice knowing that we all have something in common and knowing that we won't be judged because it's been a while since mom has passed.. I agree with Kathy that this is a nice place to release!

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." Stephan Hoeller

Thanks, Carla Dee

[Kathy61]

Thanks Carla Dee. I really liked the Stephan Hoeller quote.

I got through the 25th better then I thought. But a few days before I had a really good cry so maybe that helped. I think for me, the first six months I was in shock. I actually do not remember much of the fall and winter last year. I briefly have a few memories of Christmas, but not much. I think I was walking around like a zombie. I am not sure why I was in shock because I knew this was going to happen. I think no matter how prepared you think you are you really aren't. I went through the anger at myself some but more so at the doctor's. I was and am still upset with her Oncologist. I know it was mom's choice, but at the age of 78 she should have never been talked into chemo. I think the chemo did worse then the cancer itself. She was miserable and most of the pain and discomfort was the side effects of the chemo. When we first discussed the chemo I told her that I would support whatever decision she made. I wish at that time I would have talked her out of it, but as they say hind site is 20/20 and I can't go back and undo what was done.

I went to the grave site, but I just feel so disconnected there. I think I am closer just talking to her wherever I may be. I just feel that the grave just holds her body but her spirit and soul (who she really was) are in heaven so when I go out to the grave I don't feel anything.

Anyway, I do love this place.

[DebFromLodi]

Kathy I have a question. You were talking about her spirit being in Heaven, please don't get me wrong, I do believe in Heaven. I am just having such a hard time since my died and need to know if people go to Heaven immediately when they die or do they go to Heaven at the second coming of Christ? I just need to know where my mom is right now. Is she looking down on me or is she just "sleeping"? I love God and talk to Him all day long, I am just searching for answers. I miss my mom so very much.

[DebFromLodi]

I talk to my mom constantly and ask for a sign, anything to let me know that she is there. I never, NEVER get an answer. I miss her so much.

[Kathy61]

I know that there are other religions and other beliefs even other view within the Christian faith, but I take peace from two different scriptures:

2 Corinthians 5:8 Paul says that to be absent in body is to be with Christ. To me this is immediately.

Luke 23: 43 Jesus is talking to the thief on the other cross. He said " This day you will be with me in paradise." this tells me also that it is immediate.

I just believe that she is. Also, a few months after my mom died I had a cousin who had a brain tumor. Just before he died he saw my mom. She sat on his bed and told him that it was ok, and that there is such a wonderful place he is going to. She wanted him to go with her. He told his wife about this. He said it was so nice to see Aunt Jean again. His wife said no Roger, Aunt Jean wasn't here. He said yes she was she sat at the foot of my bed and we had a nice conversation about heaven. What is really ironic is that because he was so sick for the last six months that they did not tell him that my mom had died. So he had no idea that she was already gone. When Debbie (his wife) told me this I was absolutely convienced that she had gone to heaven.

I don't think we get signs. Some do but not all. I think that they do visit us in our dreams.

I hope this helps.

Kathy

[DebFromLodi]

Kathy, thank you so much for your response to my questions. You gave me goose bumps when you told me about your cousin's conversation with your mom. I just find it so hard to understand that, in this lifetime, i will never see my mom again. Never touch her, never hear her sweet voice telling me she loves me. It just seems that not even death should be able to seperate people with that kind of love. Does that make sense?

[Kathy61]

Deb,

I think another thing that might help you is to find some books on near death experiences. When my father died I had to know for sure if there was an existence beyond this life. I knew that the bible talked about heaven but at that time my faith was shaken and I needed more tangible evidence.

I began to search out what happens to life after death and read many books. Most of them share common experiences. When they leave their body they usually float above and can see everything and hear everything. They also say that there is absolutely no pain or any discomfort at all. Many relate that they feel free of the restrictions that the body held on them. Another general shared experience is that they travel through this tunnel and at the end is a bright light. The light they say is filled with such love and peace. Another common experience is that they normally meet someone they love who has passed on before them. Sometimes they come before the tunnel and sometimes they meet you after you emerge from the tunnel. All of them talk about the beauty of heaven. It is beyond words. There are many books about this. I particularly enjoyed the book Embraced By the Light by Betty Eadie. It helped to give me peace when my father died and I read it again after my mother died. Another great author is Dr. Raymond L Moody. He has done a lot of research in this area. I have read one of his books. Life after Life I am not sure if I am allowed to post a link, but if you would like I could PM you the link to Dr. Moody's site. I just found it reasuring knowing the love, peace and beauty of the new life they are experiencing. The pain of my loss is still there, but I have peace in my mind about their continued existence.

Kathy

[DebFromLodi]

Thank you so much for the things you wrote. Sorry i did not post earlier, we just got back from Disneyland. I so needed a break.

I will check into those books asap and thanks again.

Debbie

[Kathy61]

I hope you had a nice time at Disney land. It's nice just to get away and spend a little time on yourself. It looks like somehow the links are already posted. I really hope this helps.

Take care,

Kathy