After The Death Certificates Arrive

[Rochel]

Today I went to the Social Security office to change over all the benefit information and the papers read...marriage ended because of death...they asked me to send our marriage cert and after I found it and his clothes in the same closet (the closet that I have been trying to stay away from) I lost it...I have been bawling like a baby...to hear again that my marriage ended because of death and his beautiful Aloha shirts all hung up waiting for him to wear them...his robe, slippers and boots are waiting, waitiing, waiting...he will never wear them again....little did I know that this was going to blindside me today....when does this hell go away..I'm close to a month and I still so raw...from talking to others, it goes on for a long time...I loved my man dearly and took good care of him..my life will never be the same again...So hard to live without him and impossible not to have reminders..I will be leaving my home for awhile to get my head on straight....I have a major support system here in Arizona..now in CA. I will have to make new friends, find a good church, and live as a widow...Lord! I hate that word...Thanks for letting me lose it here..my tears, anxiety, sadness and mind....Bless you all brave widows and widowers...Rochel

[Maryo]

Hi Rochel,

The first few months are so very hard. I remember having to change my husband car over to my name and everytime I had to talk to someone I would cry so hard. I cried everywhere.I meet some nice people who were very sympathetic. But it will get better.

Some days are still a challenge as a widow but nothing like the first few months. Be patient with yourself. Grieving can't be rushed, and try not to make any major changes for a while if at all possible. I have been at this for 14 months and the tears still come but not as often. Take one day at a time and try not to be to hard on yourself.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Kat2005]

Hi! I'm really sorry for your loss. My husband was on Social Security disability before he got sick. I too know the feeling when you receive the letter from Social Security that reads marriage ended in death. It is really hard words to hear. It has only been 4 months for me and I still consider myself married. I know that I am not but I am not ready to accept it. I have been told that things will get better. I try to take one day at a time. Some are good but most are bad. I do journal every night and that ends my day on a high note. I tell my husband about my day and how much I love and miss him. It is really a good feeling.

I am new to this site but I know I have found people that will help me thru this because they really understand.

My thought and prayers are with you!

Kat

[singledad2]

Rochel,

Don't worry about trying to figure out when the tears will stop. The best healing you can do right now is to let them out whenever they start to flow. For me, as more tears fell, it was as if more healing was accomplished. I had four kids at home and I tried my best to hold things in--just to be strong for them. However, when I crashed when I was alone, I crashed very hard. I'm lucky I had a couple of very warm and loving labrador retrievers to console and comfort me. There is just something about the look in the eyes of a pet when you know they know that you are hurting and they want you to know that they are there for you.

Everyone is different, but the healing process can vary wildly, depending on the individual. Though I absolutely loved having this site and everyone here to help me through this horrible situation, I found that some of my roughest times were after reading what others had written--even if not to me. I was feeling the same pain as others were--I was angry, hurt, devastated, and alone...all balled up inside of someone who had to hold it all together for others. Those rough times turned out to be healing times. You have come to the right place and the people here are absolutely wonderful.

If I were a doctor and I could write you a prescription for your pain, it would be to take at least one dose of HOV daily and call me in 6 months. It may not cure you of your pain, but it certainly helps you make it through the roughest times.

Please come here and post as often as you feel the need.

SD2

[Korina]

Oh, Rochel, tears are seeping out with your posting, as it has brought back the memories of talking to the life insurance, rrsp, etc people. I would cry on the phone. I wanted to avoid all of those necessities because it just made the whole thing real. And I am now in the process of filing for administration of Scott's estate, as he had no will (we had just started to talk about getting wills together with the birth of our daughter). I seem to be treating this as a project, so it hasn't been too bad. But today, I lost it going through his desk, checking for some papers. I found our commemorative marriage certificate, among other things. Right now, I am just feeling, "SO UNFAIR!!!!!", no doubt like everyone else on this site feels much of the time.

I, too, have found much comfort in our 2 cats, sometimes just for the warm body, and other times for the comfort they bring in my sobs. They know (at least, the older female knows - not so sure about the younger, male mischief maker ).

I remember a few days after it happened, one of Scott's friends said to me that my life was about to take a 180, as I was now a single mother. My reply was "single mother I can handle. It is the widow part that I cannot." The word is just too foreign. Sigh.

But as always, we can just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I am sure you will find a good support system in CA. And you know you always have us.

Hugs,

Korina

[LarrysGirl]

Rochel, I'm so sorry that you for your loss. This is such a wonderful site for support and understanding. Many are early in their grief, like you, and others like myself are further down the road. Right now, try to take it a day at a time. Grieving can't be planned or scheduled, nor is there a time frame. Its something you have to live. I know you are hurting and I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself now, thats so important. Keep sharing your feelings, that will help you heal. Deborah

[Boo Mayhew]

Rochel, I find it hard to even remember the earliest days - that first month - because it distresses me so ... so I tend not to very often. I remember shaking because I had to meet the undertaker, I remember crying at the bank and telling them I didn't want his name removed from our cheque book, I remember going to register his death and feeling detached, replying like a robot and then feeling bad that I didn't cry, I remember sobbing when I collected the death certificate and having to ask them if they had his wedding ring (because I'd forgotten that I'd already told them to leave it on him).

These bureaucratic obligations are so immensely hard because our emotions are totally uncontrollable, as are our tears ... yet we are forced to comply ... and each one you tackle serves as a knife straight into the heart, because it is asking us to confirm our worst fear has been realized, and in truth we are not ready to do so at one month in ... my heart is with you.

One idea ... my sister in law accompanied me to everything ... and took notes. I'd recommend taking someone along ... you simply can't remember anything because your mind is so preoccupied with processing the horror of what has happened. Moral support is good in any event.

[Rochel]

You are right..somebody needs to accompany me to landmine appointments...I forgot that my husband had his dogtags and wedding rings in his desk drawer..I went into there for stamps and "boom" I was hit with the emptiness that I am becoming horribly acquainted with...It feels like the bottom drops out of your stomach...I'm surrounded by friends but not my best friend..when I wander between rooms in our house, again I get hit again....don't know what to do with this lonliness for him...As funny as it my seem, the only thing that fills it is reading the Bible...guess I will hang out there for awhile since it takes this bad feeling away...Glad that your job is keeping you busy...Bless you, Rochel...