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Well, it's me again. Yesterday was the one month date and somehow I managed to get through it. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who came to my house and held me up. My one friend has been fighting breast cancer for the past four or five years, but she listens with love and patience. We shared a meal, talked, and I cried when I needed to. Another friend spent the night (she's been my friend for 36 years). I know that I am blessed by these angels but I still want Brian back with me. He was the only person who could really comfort me when I was down.

This morning turned out to be a not so great day. While I'm reading my homework assignments, I am distracted. But as soon as I stop the realization that Brian isn't coming home hits me with a force which takes my breath away. How can I continue to live like this? I'm crushed and my spirit is so very broken. Later today I will be picking up his grandson who is almost 5 years old. While our time together will sooth my pain, I know that in the back of my mind I will keep hearing the voice saying that Brian should be with us. We should be taking Connor to a movie and dinner together. When Connor is ready to go to sleep, Brian should take out his guitar and sing him a few songs.

Will I think these thoughts for the rest of my life? Will the memories always fill me with pain and tears? I miss him so very much and just cannot imagine how I'm going to be able to live through this grief journey. Pictures are hard to look at but harder to avoid. Yesterday a friend e-mailed me a wonderful picture of the two of us which was taken at her wedding a year or so ago (I'm attaching to thise message0. I keep looking at us together and we were so happy. I guess what I try to hold onto is the fact that Brian was the happiest he had ever been in his life. We had a conversation shortly before he passed away about this fact. And, friends from his work told me at the service that Brian was somewhat depressed before he met me (after his divorce) but once I came into his life, he came to work beaming and telling everyone about me. I try to hold onto this knowledge with the hope that somehow it will ease my soul. But, most of the time I just end of feeling like we were cheated, especially Brian.

Thanks for allowing me this space to speak about what I am feeling. I keep hoping for better days and I'll continue to walk this journey of grief.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Brian looks like a very nice guy...I just clicked on the thumbnail and it was enlarged so that I could view the both of you...I too have tears today..the day started out okay..and it is Saturday...rough, weekends seem to be..I'm feeling sorry for myself...which does not help...Yes, it is not fair..Brian should be with Conner...I haven't gotten angry yet, just a little...I think it is coming though...because I took such good care of my Bob, but he destroyed his life with his on addicted hands...Now, I'm alone without him and he is in a better place..what is your homework??? I need to get busy and take some classes or something to keep myself occupied...Have a good weekend and good as can be expected...Rochel

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Thanks, Rochel. Brian was a really nice guy. He was genuine and humble -- people liked him right away. I was thinking today that he was just such a good balance for me. Sometimes when I get thoughts or ideas in my head, I just start to run with them. He balanced me by listening and grounding me in logic. We were so good for each other.

I'm a seminary student and some day I will be a Pastor or Chaplain. My current classes are Theology and Paul & the Early Church. There is actually healing in my assigned readings and right now I'm exploring a passage from Romans -- talks about the fact that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. It's healing and offers hope but I'm too early in my grief journey to be able to remain hopeful at all times.

Part of my struggle is that our dreams have been shattered. We envisioned that after I graduated we would move to a warmer climate. I would become the Pastor and Brian would help with the music. He was an incredible musician -- played guitar, mandolin, and banjo. He also wrote beautiful songs. I figured if a church was thinking about calling me as their Pastor but had some doubts they would hear Brian play a few songs and know that we were a team. now I'm alone again . . . .

I know that I will persevere and that God will give me new dreams but it's just not going to be the same without Brian. I love him and I miss him -- that's forever.

I'm sitting in our home while Connor is playing computer gamess. His laughter brings me much joy but again it is tempered with the fact that Brian should be with us.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Dear Linda,

Tonight is the night before what would be (is??) my 23rd wedding anniversary. Bob died 2 years and 5 months ago. I sat alone, wanting to cry, wanting to feel his arms around me, needing to know that he is still watching out for me, but I couldn't. I replayed every highlight of our life together (including our 6 year courtship) and instead of tears, I was left feeling really loved. He did so many wonderful things to make me feel special, remembering them brought me joy instead of sadness. Two years ago I would never had believed it could be like this. I miss him greatly. But it is his honest to goodness, all out love, that wraps around me today. It's not the same, he should be here, but I will make do with what he left behind.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Love,

Kath

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Thanks, Kath. I know that is has only been one month for me and the loss is so fresh and so new, but sometimes I just don't think that I'm ever going to get through the pain. It takes so much effort to want to get up, to want to do anything other than miss Brian. Sometimes when I'm trying to get ready, I realize that I don't even know how to put on make-up, pick out clothing, etc. and these are things that came naturally to me before. I guess maybe it's because it doesn't matter or my brain just isn't functiong the way it used to. I used to love to get ready to go somewhere because Brian thought I was beautiful and would smile when he would see me. Now that he's gone, it just doesn't matter anymore. Hope this makes some sense to someone. I just loved being in love with Brian and now I don't know who I am. When we met, I had been living alone with just my son for the better part of 15 years. I was worried that I would not be able to live with another adult. I thought perhaps I was too used to living life on my own. Brian made it so easy. We talked about everything and rarely had disagreements. We used humor rather than anger which made our relationship so special. I miss him. I want him back. I don't know how to do this every day.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Kath - that is beautiful and gives me hope.

For me, at 4 months, I still think about Scott every single day, and he is there, I think, practically every moment somewhere, either at the forefront or in the background of my thoughts. And my thoughts are so much about our daughter. I do find, though, that my thoughts are not always flooded with that intense grief and emptiness (or that numbness) I felt at the beginning. I still do have those feelings, and have intense periods, of course, but they no longer dominate every moment. I am starting to think about going back to work (mat leave is up in a couple of months), for example, and also about my parents, who are thinking of moving out to Vancouver to be with me/help with daycare.

Hugs,

Korina

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One month is so very early and all those things you are experiencing are really, really normal. I had to get up in the morning because of my kids. They had to go to school and needed a mom that could fix meals. The problem was I had no desire to do any of it. I forgot how to cook and would burn most everything. I forced myself to move just to get them where they needed to be. I could spend hours doing nothing. My phases were more about numbness,sadness, reading (I read everything Bob ever read to keep that connection going), faith, lonliness, rediscovery (who was after all when I'd been so happy to be his wife for so long?) and finally energy. Energy came last. The things that used to be important took second shelf. I poured myself into my faith and my church and that worked for me, but it wasn't easy and it took what seemed an eternity. I think I used to feel that someday I would have to accept Bob's death. I don't know that I ever will. What I have learned to accept is myself, and the life I have to make, as much as for my sake as for my children.

I used to deer hunt with Bob and I was privileged to witness the intense survival instincts of deer. We are not so different. We also have those instincts. Of course, we are blessed with all the emotions as well, so that can get in our way, but it is a blessing all the same. I wish there was an easy way through this. There's not. So, the only way is with really small steps in really small moments of each day. Don't lose patience with yourself. I'm sorry for all of us having to go through this and I pray daily for strength for each and every one. We'll survive. It just takes a while to get to where it feels possible.

Kath

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