Finances

[azusaman]

I was so depressed after yesterday (2 mos.) I finished wrapping up my wife's IRA account and all the financial ends. She was so despondent over the last two years about our financial situation and her inability to find a job that it was hard to deal with. I would tell her that life was more than finding a job and that we would make it in whatever situation we were in. Now, since her death, I am ok financially...oh the irony of it all. Anyway, right or wrong, I got stoned with a friend later. Hope this much honesty is ok on this site.

Love Ya'll,

Ted

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Ted, some days it just sucks, doesn't it? My financial situation isn't great right now but I would rather have no money and have Brian back for just one day. We used to dream about what we would do when we won the powerball. In reality, we knew that the chances were slim to none, but we had fun pretending.

I'm good with your honesty. Sometimes we need to escape. Yesterday was my one month and I know that I drank more wine this week than I should have but it felt good to be a little bit numb. Hang in there the best that you can. This grief journey is unfolding as a path I wish I didn't have to walk. But at least we can share with each other.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[marsha]

Ted - for me, it took 6 months to wrap everything up. I met with my lawyer on January 2 (January 1st was our anniversary, and 6 months anniversary of Joe's death) - I barely held it together. It's like erasing them, in a way, and it's like a black hole of the soul. I drink a lot of wine, and I don't give a s--t - it's all ok here. Hugs, Marsha

[azusaman]

Oh, Ted, some days it just sucks, doesn't it? My financial situation isn't great right now but I would rather have no money and have Brian back for just one day. We used to dream about what we would do when we won the powerball. In reality, we knew that the chances were slim to none, but we had fun pretending.

I'm good with your honesty. Sometimes we need to escape. Yesterday was my one month and I know that I drank more wine this week than I should have but it felt good to be a little bit numb. Hang in there the best that you can. This grief journey is unfolding as a path I wish I didn't have to walk. But at least we can share with each other.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thanks for the peace, love, and blessings and let me wish them right back to you. Man I love this site.

[Korina]

Ted:

I am still working on financial stuff, and I am at 4 months. In fact, I am now in the process of get the administration rights for his estate. I just seem to be able to do a bit at a time.

For me, I am breast feeding, so in trying to be a responsible mom, I am not drinking. I am finding it hard to eat enough, and enough good food as opposed to junk...I find it to be a chore to eat these days, and I used to love eating. And I have such bad feelings about alcohol. Sigh. It seems to me that blowing off steam occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are safe about it, and it doesn't become a habit.

Korina

[Boo Mayhew]

Asusaman, this site IS great ... I agree, and I know that it almost single-handedly kept me from actually losing my sanity when I thought I was! I remember the awful feeling in my stomach, the fear of it ... the delaying tactics I used - then finally the "whatever" attitude I ended up with the financial stuff. When the insurance money paid out, I lay on the sofa for 5 or maybe 6 days begging Cliff to come and take me with him. I only stood up to let my dogs out or feed them, or to pee or fetch more cigarettes or cans of coke. I didn't even wash for those days. It was the deep dark place - and I let myself go there periodically, but ensure that it's only for a day or a weekend (because I promised Cliff this when I eventually crawled out of that place the first time).

Hmmm, the finances ... so - in the end, I just ignored everything and in the end the bank phoned me at work and said something like: "the insurance money has been sitting in your account for almost 4 months ... we have written to you 6 times, we have tried calling you ... clearly this is an issue for us and for you .... so we will make an exception and you can tell us now on the phone to pay off the house". And I did. My soul was crying for him on such a primal level for so long afterwards ... because it was the "final nail in the coffin" (excuse pun - not actually intended!) ... and I was just thinking - it's not fair HE WORKED SO DAMN HARD TO GET THIS HOUSE (deposit), he worked so damn hard on the house (he was a self employed builder) ... and he doesn't get to sit in it when it's finished. I didn't want the money ... I wanted him. They could have given me 10 gazillion dollars and I still wouldn't have swapped him for it. It's not true what people say - "everyone has their price" .... you can't buy some people.

What you feel is perfectly normal ... good that you sought company of a friend afterwards :-)

(I'd be careful about saying anything ............. anywhere on the internet, you never know ;-) but I'm totally fine with that personally :-)

In a while you won't feel so bad about it, but of course the grief remains (at least that's what happened with me). I now sit at home and feel safe and can feel the love here. This is what he wanted ... and I would have if the roles had been reversed ... after all that is why we take out life insurance. BUT, for now it sucks, I know and my heart goes out to you.

Keep posting and take care xx

[valley]

Hi Ted,

You should be proud of yourself for getting your financial stuff in order in only 2

months. I am impressed. Yes it is ironic that you feel financially more secure than when you partner was alive. I have seen this happen several times with friends.

I am a dual citizen and have found my sitution to be so slow and if I don't take the initiative at all times in all areas things just stall out. My husbands mother died two months before he died. There was a legal line of succession and all papers were in order for both people. But in two months things had not legally passed to my husband so I have been trying to move things along as I was the next person in line. And I am operating in two different countries, with different rules governing these issues. So after a year I am still dealing with it all.

Sometimes I need a break from it all and just put my head on the pillow and forget it all. Indulge myself in my sadness and not try to figure anything out. I am sure if I was on it everyday...in offices, on the phone, writing letters I would be much further along. But I feel weak and stressed and too sad to move sometimes and the only thing I can do is NOTHING.

So I think you have done amazingly well.

Take care, Valley

[azusaman]

Thanks Boo, that means a lot. Thanks for the heads-up about posting anything on the internet...I never thought of that.

Best,

Ted

[azusaman]

Thanks Valley, Sometimes I wish I could do like you do and get a break and put my head in the pillow like you do but I feel this pressure from friends, family and myself to try to put on a good face.

Ted

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey again, anyone who pressurizes you to put on a brave face has got their head up their a** ... this is your grief and only you know how you feel. Please give yourself permission to grieve as deeply as you need to ... you simply don't have the energy to grieve and keep your act together for the sake of others ...

I remember someone telling me, "come on now, chin up, he wouldn't want you moping around" ... LOL, I think my husband would be surprised (shocked even) if I wasn't.

Your whole world has shifted on its axis, you have lost half of you ... and your journey has only just begun. Don't worry about what others think, just focus on what you think right now xxx

[Korina]

Good advice, Boo!

Korina