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Gloria Sunshine

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Today's her b'day. She's 3 yrs old. Gloria's my 1st daughter. She was born severely handicapped b/c her OB/ birth hospital didn't follow standards of care. The adoptive couple I chose prior to her birth backed out of the adoption once they heard the news. Gloria lives with a foster mother. I was not able to take care of her vast needs. I mistakenly terminated my parental rights a yr ago, so I am not able to see her or know how she's doing. I am a responsible person. Every decision I made was always in (what I thought was/ told was) her best interests. I love her and miss her terribly. Gloria is an absolutely beautiful little girl. The last time I saw her, she was smiling and seated in a little wheel chair. I gave her a kiss on her cheek.

Gloria was born with HIE (hypoxic ischemic encephalopothy). Her brain didn't get enough O2 and parts of it died. She is basically blind, hears very little, has Cerebral Palsy, seizures, feeding tube... the list goes on and on.

Many people don't understand the utter depth of this kind of ambiguous loss unless they've experience it first-hand. Thinking about what happened is soooooooooooo painful. I love Gloria so much and I wish I could have raised her everyday of my life. I worry about her. I hope that she's happy and well cared for. So many people (I trusted) to do their jobs as prescribed by law or oath, failed Gloria and me - OB's, attorney, DFCS. I've written state/ government officials, news agencies, talk show hosts about Gloria's plight. People tell me to 'get an attorney'. I am not wealthy or famous, so no one wanted to help. Family members & my husband tell me to 'get over it' or 'I don't want to hear it'. I cry as quietly as I can by myself. Today's the only day it's considered acceptable to cry openly and talk about the pain a little bit.

I've asked the questions.. How could God let this (continue to) happen to a little baby?? What could I have done differently?? How do I begin to say goodbye to her when I know she's still alive somewhere?? Why can people get away with (what is basically) murder?? When will the intense pain ease up a little for me?? Can I ever see my little Gloria again?? How could a caring God allow this to happen to my little girl??!!

I love you, Gloria. I did the best I could for you. May God, your foster mother, & others keep you happy & healthy as long as you live.

I can't write anymore now, it's too painful.


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Hi MdmesX

I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you went through and still go through today. I am so sorry. Well done for writing this post because I know that it takes courage to do so, but you have come to the right place for empathy ... the people here are wonderful.

You don't mention it, but I hope that you do have a counsellor ... mine is worth her weight in gold, as is Marty (our on line counsellor on this forum).

I found this link that may be useful reading for you, but Marty is better placed to advise, I can only sympathize.


Wishing you strength and peace,


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Dear One,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and of course you still love your daughter and miss her terribly. You may find this video to be of comfort: Dr. Carol Burns & Dr Heidi Horsley discuss the Loss of a Special Needs Child, here: http://www.youtube.com/user/opentohope#p/a/0/xndhTyybUfI ~ and be sure to listen to the beautiful song at the end . . .

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am sorry for your loss. No, you will never stop loving your child and no one should expect you stop caring or thinking about her. I am sorry that people let you down several years ago. I would hope that you have a friend that is willing to listen to you talk about her. It is important that you do. You need to tell someone about what is in your heart. Your little girl is important to you. Do you have a pastor you can talk to? I deeply empathize with you. My prayer is with you. Sherry

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