One Year "anniversary" Tomorrow

[Chai]

As of tomorrow, I will have been in my grief journey for one year. My dad passed away on November 17th, 2008. I can't believe it has been one year without him. On the one hand it has felt like a very long year...and at the same time, short.

I wish that I could give time tomorrow to my grief...that I could just sit, and feel it, feel the sadness, go over realizations, light a candle, something.

But tomorrow is Tuesday. A busy day in my week, classes and work from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Honestly, I wish that I would get sick or something so that I could stay in bed, in my room, and just...think. And talk to people about him. Also, I remember getting sick after he passed away, before the memorial...and again on Father's day...so a strange part of me expects, even wants, myself to get sick tomorrow. Like if I don't get sick then, something's wrong with me, because my grief isn't manifesting physically as it did for other tough days...I know, it makes no sense; I shouldn't want to get sick, but I kindof do. That way, if I feel sad and like an invalid tomorrow, at least people would treat me properly, with sympathy and hugs and love.

You see, otherwise, tomorrow will go like normal. It's a normal day for everyone else. I hate that I have to do my routine tomorrow, and can't just...blow the schedule and let tomorrow OPENLY be different. Maybe that's what it is. I hate faking that it's normal, ESPECIALLY tomorrow, the one-year anniversary. I want to just let the world know that tomorrow, and today, and this past weekend, I am sad, and I wish SOMEONE would give me a damn hug or something! So what if it's been a "whole year"!

And I keep putting it back on myself, like "Oh it's my fault for not talking about it, speak up more." But I hate blaming myself a ton like that. I just wish I could go home for the weekend...my mother and stepfather sent me a care package of little gifts and a card, acknowledging how difficult the month of November is to me. I felt so grateful to read that, "the month of November." Not just, "the 17th." They understand that I am in emotional pain. I wish I could be at home so they could be with me and comfort me.

Instead, I'm at stupid old school. Ugh. It makes me angry!

Maybe I'll just...talk about my dad a lot tomorrow, quash down the fear and speak up and say, "I want to talk about my dad. I remember when..." and just, talk about him. Just like that. It can't be that hard, can it? *sigh*

[kath]

Dear Chai,

(((((((BIG HUG)))))))

I know it's not the same as being there, but please know I will be thinking of you tomorrow. When you said, "So what if it's been a "whole year"!", I thought, it has only been a year. Please go gentle and do whatever you can to find a quiet place to be with your dad or to just be. Bring a candle, touch a tree, anything to connect and send him your thoughts. Write him a note and put it in a balloon, and let the wind carry it to him. I know he will be in your heart tomorrow, my dear friend, as you will no doubt be in his.

Love you,

Kath

[MartyT]

Chai, dear ~

We know that today, November 17, is the one-year anniversary of your father's death, and the fresh pain of grief has re-surfaced for you. I hope it brings you comfort to know that this too will pass. You have survived one of the most challenging years of your life, and as you well know, it has been (and will continue to be) an endless and difficult journey, but don't lose sight of the fact that you have come a very long way.

As the intensity of your pain lessens with the passing of time, you will continue to look to your wonderful memories of your father to bring you comfort. You can also look forward to new opportunities and experiences, recognizing that going on with your life does not lessen in any way the love you have for your father. Always remember that death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship, and the relationship you have with your dad will remain with you as long as you keep his memory alive in your heart, until the very end of time.

Please know that we are thinking of you, keeping you in our prayers and holding you in our hearts at this sad and challenging time.

[Chai]

Thank you so much for your kindness and support.

I am doing O.K. today so far. I went to classes and such, but after, I went back to my room and decided, I'm going to give my grief time. I sat down with my photo album and was looking at pictures of my dad...missing him. A friend knocked on my door, caught me right in the middle of crying. She sat down and listened, for maybe an hour or half an hour, and I just talked about my dad, the sad stuff, the good stuff...

It felt so great to talk about it, let me tell you. So good. I think I just have to sit down with people at good times where they can listen, and just...talk about my dad. Not that I can schedule a talk, necessarily, but just, there are times I can bring it up that aren't awkward, whereas lunch and dinner in the cafeteria aren't really the place. People are too absorbed in eating and mundane smalltalk then.

But here my friend sat with me, and I talked to her. It wasn't as hard as I thought, and it felt really good to get stuff out of my head and out into words.

I hope that I can talk to people openly more.

Also, today I got the password to my dad's old email address...he used to print out emails and keep them, so I thought that maybe there'd be some old emails between he and I that he might have kept in his inbox. Maybe not, but we'll see.

take care,

Chai

[Korina]

Chai:

My 5 month anniversary is coming up on the 19th....sigh.

I hope you had a little time today to talk to your father or otherwise mark the day. From the way you have described your dad, he loved you unconditionally and would understand and appreciate any gesture; he has undoubtedly been with you in spirit the whole time. For your own self, perhaps you could set aside time on another day soon to do something special - your father would/will understand, and it might help you feel some relief (or however we describe these feelings).

I am so glad you have found a friend to talk to!

Lots of hugs,

Korina

[Chai]

Dear Korina,

I hope that your 5 month anniversary went alright for you today, that you got time with your grief and had a moment to feel the strength of the angels watching over us all to radiate into you. It is amazing that times goes by when we are grieving, because there is a sense that time should not go by at all without our loved ones. I think you should feel proud of yourself for being at the 5 month mark today, and Scott would be proud of you.

I have been thinking of my dad a lot this week, and I hope I get to do something special this weekend; maybe put a vase of flowers by his picture or something. I want to keep giving him things, because he gave me so much.

take care,

Chai

[Korina]

Thanks, Chai. I always feel Scott's presence on these "special" days, helping me through them. Today, I was mostly quiet, sad, but almost peaceful. Almost. Love you, Scott!

Flowers by his photo sounds lovely. It is candles for Scott because he loved candles.

Korina

[kath]

Chai,

I'm so glad your friend caught you in a "real" moment. It was no accident that she was there. I call those angels that are put in our path when we need them most. She was the heart and ears of all of us that love you.

Take good care,

Kath

[emptyinside]

Hi Chai,

I'm so glad you had someone to talk to. My one year anniversary came up, too, and it was very difficult. I felt very numb on the day. Seems like 20 years and last week simultaneously. Isn't time funny?

Thoughts are with you.

[Chai]

Em, "seems like 20 years and one week simultaneously," I know what you mean! I feel like that, too. I think back to last year and it seems just like yesterday...all that fear and bewilderment...and yet it also feels like so long ago, and I hate that. I need to talk about my dad more, join some grief groups back in my local town, because then my dad will feel closer, and I hate that it feels like a million years since we did all the things we did, sometimes.

kath, you are so right about it wasn't an accident that my friend came by. I like what you said about her being "eyes and ears" for our community here! Thank you for all the love.

Korina, I'm happy to hear you had a peaceful day.

I am doing the up and down rollercoaster...today was good. I went to a museum, it was distracting from the troubles of the week, and I sat in nature for a few moments...that does make me miss him, sometimes. Because only he could appreciate it the same way. But at the moment I was lying under that tree in a park today, I felt peaceful and just glad to be there, in the sun, with this beautiful oak above me. I hope I can feel more moments like that in nature, of simply peace, instead of sadness and feeling that empty spot where he should be next to me.