Can't Stop Crying

[Lucia Abeytia]

I have been crying off and on since our annivarsary on Nov 14th but yesterday and today i have been crying uncontrollably...I am missing Ben so very much and Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I just don't want to celebrate..I keep thinking what am i celebrating? What do i have to be Thankful for? and yes I know i have my family who have been so supportive, I have his mom and sisters but I don't have him!!! I haven't slept in 3 days my whole body aches I take my sleeping pills, my pain pills and I still can't sleep!!! I hate crying so much my son went to work and took the baby with him she had a dr appointment so i have been home alone and the tears are worse my daughter called and she could tell I was crying so she is on her way over to take me to her house so that I am not alone...I feel so bad for her because she misses her dad and than has to deal with a mother that doesn't know why she is crying so much...I just wish I could sleep I haven't really slept for 2 years...The last 1 1/2 yrs of bens life was spent taking care of him and I was afriad to sleep because I was afraid if I fell asleep he would die and I would not be able to say goodbye to him..I thought when he was gone I would be able to sleep but I get maybe 3-4 hrs of sleep a night...and now this 2 days strait of crying i am so tired I just want to be with Ben,I hate my life without him...I miss him so much and this was his favorite time of year..He loved to help me cook thanksgiving dinner he always made the salad and the kids loved his salad he would cut celery sticks and carrot sticks and they had to be perfect or he would throw them away...and than the day after Thanksgiving we would go to all the sales and finish buying our Christmas presents because he always started Christmas shopping the day after Christmas for the next year we shopped all year long by Sept our Christmas shopping was done but he always like to go to the sales and get stuff that was on sale that the kids might like...I miss all those little things I have not done any shopping and don't plan on doing any this year i can't afford it I'm still paying his hospitol bills and his funeral service(had to take a loan out) so her i sit feeling sorry for myself and crying,,,Thank you for listing...

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Lucia, I can feel your pain as I read your words. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard for us all. I'm glad to hear that your daughter is coming to take you to her house. At least you won't be alone. I wish I could magically erase your pain and your longing for you beloved Ben. I understand how much you are missing him, how much it hurts, and how badly you want him back in your life. I, too, feel the same way about Brian. It's a hard, hard road that we walk but God is with us along the way. Try to rest even if you are unable to sleep. Remember to breathe. Accept the emotions as they come to you. You are honoring the love that you shared with Ben. I'm hear to listen so write as often as you need to. We're in the shadows, my friend. Hopefully there will come a time when the pain is a bit less and our memories can perhaps bring a smile. But first we must do this grief work . . . and it is definitely work. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and will be tomorrow. Hugs from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[LarrysGirl]

Lucia, I know you miss Ben so much and the holidays seem to magnify the loss. We all just want our lives back with the one we loved. I'm still dreading the holidays. The joy has gone from my life. Maybe one day I'll feel better. Please take it slow and be kind to yourself. I hope tomorrow brings some comfort to your heart. Deborah

[kath]

Dear Lucia,

I am so sorry for your pain. Early on this grief road, I was fine if my kids were home and their friends were here and I kept myself so busy to the point of exhaustion. I looked forward to having some down time when they would leave for school, but then finding myself alone, I was paralyzed with grief and sobs. You really just need to hang on this year. Don't worry if you are not finding joy or sadness weighs you down. You just have to keep plodding along. It will get better. My favorite quote from this site is "Time does not heal all wounds, love does." Your love will get you through this (along with help from all of us here.)

Your reasons for your exhaustion are often overlooked, but when you have been caring for someone as long as you did, and then have to go through the grief, it does catch up to you. Sleep may not come easily right now, so please, please, please, do the rest...eat well, exercise, rest when you can.

It is so important so you don't become ill.

Kath

[Korina]

Lucia:

Reading your words pulls at my heart. I feel so ill-equipped to offer any advice as I am only at 5 months. I am having some good days, and other days where I am just plain sad. Just about every night, the tears come, and intermittently throughout the day. The cats really do comfort me, especially when I am trying to get to sleep. And while raising our baby daughter without Scott is excruciating, at the same time she is my strength because she is beautiful, my raison d'etre, because she is a part of Scott, who loved her so much and was so proud to be her Dad. I want so much to be the best mother I can be, both for her, and for Scott.

I just put up the first Christmas decoration, tonight (a Rudolph window light). Scott and I both loved Christmas. I am dreading pulling out our bag of decorations, but I still want to decorate (Kailyn loves lights, and I want to see the expressions on her face!). Somewhere, I still love Christmas - I just can't help it. But who is going to buy me all those wonderful gifts, wrapped up in his own special and sloppy way, insisting I open one on Christmas Eve. And who is going to put my chocolate in the fridge just to make me crazy (I do NOT like cold chocolate... it gets stuck in my teeth) . Oops, that sure made the tears come.

Anyhow, I will keep talking to Scott everyday, and slowly get back to life, go back to work, all those things. And take the Christmas season one day at a time.

Much love,

Korina

[Lucia Abeytia]

Thank you all for all your kind words..Today is Thanksgiving and i am very sad the tears are still here...But yesterday i learned something that i didn't know or maybe I knew but didn't realize...and that is that my children love me so much..I spent the day with my daughter and to my surprise 2 of my sons were there our son Pete and our son Benny (stepson but I hate that term) and the 4 of us just sat there and talked we talked about Ben and the holidays it's funny the little things they remember that I had forgotten they are on this road of mourning with me but we have never really talked about it..They understand why I am so sad and wish they could do something, my daughter Margarita and I have never really been close she was a Daddy's girl from the min. she came into this world she was the 1st girl after 3 boys we only had 2 daughters and they are 5 1/2 years apart and there are 2 boys inbetween them..But yesterday she said she wanted to go get something to eat and wanted just the 2 of us to go by ourselves so off we went and we sat in McDonalds and just talked she told me for the 1st time in years how very much she loved me and how glad that her and her siblings and all the grandkids have me because they could not have gone threw all this without me...she told me that i was the glue that kept them together and seeing how strong I am made her strong and made her be able to make it threw the day...She said that she was so glad that I took such good care of her Dad especially the last few years, and realized how very much we loved each other and that has helped make her marriage stronger because she had a good role model to look up to....She knew that this has been very hard but never realized how much I hurt because none of them have really seen me cry because when I cry I stay away from everyone just stay in my room she also told me that when I am feeling alone to remember that i am not alone that i have her and all her siblings and wants me to call her and she will come and get me and we can just talk...that made my day to know how very much she loves me...I don't understand how all my kids think I am so strong because I am not I am falling apart and don't know what to do and I hate feeling so out of controll I have always been able to control my life but not this time!! So today I am Thankful for my family and my friends and all my friends here that listen to me and most of all I am Thankful for all my years with Ben...I know i will be very sad today because I miss him so much but I know I will be happy because I will be with my kids grandkids and great grandkids and as we sit down to eat we will all remember him and all the funny things he used to love about the holidays..I hope all Of you my family here have a very blessed Thanksgiving and that we all make it thru this year with all of our wonderful memories of our best friend our love Thanks for caring Love Lucia

[Korina]

Lucia:

I am so relieved and happy for you to have discovered such a special gift in your children and grandchildren. Support from my family and friends has meant so much to me. And I completely understand what you mean about control. I think I was shocked when I wasn't able to (although I admit I still look at it as "I failed") to save my husband. This was supposed to be just another problem that I should have been able to fix...

You are in my prayers,

Korina