The "fruitcake"

[LindaG]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts this week. I did spend yesterday with my family and my Aunt graciously and without mention did not serve her famous Parker House Rolls as they were Joe's favorite. Just a subtle act of kindness that no one noticed but I knew what she had done.

My Mother-in-Law spent the holidays in Santa Fe with Joe's sister and her family. She said they came in the door laughing and did not mention Joe's picture proudly displayed on her kitchen island or Joe's death at all. They all avoided the subject until she disrupted the dinner to break out in tears and say a special prayer and words of love for Joe. She was heartbroken on her phone message to me this morning. My brother-in-law is a strange bird as my husband would have said and he is in charge of his families thoughts and actions. Joe never trusted or liked him. He is one of the family members who never called me or acknowledged Joe's death.

My Grandmother, who passed in the early 80's was a Gibson Girl on the cross country rails in the 20's. She dated briefly Arthur Fiedler of the Boston Pops as a girl. She had a wonderful sense of humor and just enjoyed life. She and I were very close. She never drove so when my grandfather passed I would take her to run errands. Nana told me once that she had a neighbor outside of Boston that she never cared for as he was mean and disruptive to the children, so every Christmas she would give them the worst "Fruitcake" she could find. She said the heavier the better.

The thought of my Mother-in-Law cooking a huge meal yesterday under such sadness to be met with no support - breaks my heart. The "Fruitcake" tradition will live on this year. I've already found a huge and somewhat heavy looking one in the Harry David catalogue. My Brother-in-law will receive it just before Christmas. Nothing will be said - but my Mother-in-Law and Joe's stepfather will find some relief from this ironic gesture.... and my husband Joe will have a big smile on his face from above!!!

Thanksgiving is over but the month ahead will be tremendously difficult for all of us. I pray again that God holds us close and helps us get thru it.

- Linda G

[Korina]

Oh, Linda, I often think about my mother-in-law, who not only lost her husband 19 years ago, but now her son...? I do worry about both her and my sister-in-law, who are having an awful time dealing with Scott's death. My sister in law and I email each other all the time, and I talk to my mother in law about once a week, as they live across the country. But they do have each other. It must be so difficult for your mother-in-law with the strange bird of a son, but it sounds to me like the 2 of you can support each other. I know how grateful I have been for the support of Scott's family.

The coming Christmas holidays will undoubtedly be difficult, but with my baby daughter, I do have activities planned (not too many, though, as I would not be able to handle it) so that I don't retreat into myself, which would likely happen if I didn't leave the apartment. Scott loved Christmas, so I intend to honour that for our little girl (even though she is too young to likely remember anything, I will have lots of pictures).

Take care,

Korina

[azusaman]

Interesting story Linda. Love the Harry David catalog to. By the way, I think the link to your website is incorrect. Looks like you might have transposed a couple of letters on the word "design". Anyway,it doesn't work. You're right about the month ahead...my birthday is the 15th and Adrianne would always make such a big deal of it. When I turned 60, she was going to have an ice sculpture made with the big 60 on it, but I put the brakes on that. Now I wish I'd have let her do it.

Best,

Ted

[LindaG]

The what "ifs" and the "I wish we had done" fill my day. My husband was only 39 when he died. It is so tragic for me and there are a hundred things that run thru my head every day as to what we could have done or said. A grief counselor suggested that I try to recall all that we did do - and not get stuck on what did not get done. He was just a wonderful guy who made me very happy.

-Linda G

[LindaKoz]

Hi Linda G.,

I've done all of the what ifs, would haves, should haves until my mind becomes trapped in the circle because there is no way to come out with a different ending. I think your grief counselor's advice is wise. We all did the best that we could with the knowledge we had at the time. Obviously in hindsight we have more details than we had in the tragic moments when our loved ones passed away. I don't think they would want us to continue to beat ourselves up. I believe that Brian is encouraging me to move forward and live. It's hard and I have to remind myself each and every day to keep going, to try to find those elusive moments of peace. Take those baby steps, my friend. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to experience the emotions as they come. Slowly you will heal. It's not easy but remember we are walking this path together. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

Linda G,

What a great story! I too have questioned if I did everything I could have when Pat was sick. He had such a hard time telling us what was going on. It was pretty much a guessing game. I know I can't hang on to the "what if's" because deep down I know that I did my best. I just think my best was not good enough. I always ask myself did I miss something that would have made a difference. I just miss Pat so much I keep looking for answers.

I am so glad that I have everyone here because it makes my days alittle bit easier. I know I am not alone and everyone is willing to listen and offer their kind words of encouragement. One day at a time. I have to remember one day at a time.

Take care,

Kat

[furkid]

Love the friutcake story. I'm sure we all have known one or more people that diserve it. Although they would probably be the one that like friutcake. For me it's usually just one person in the family, not the whole family.

I know there are at least 2 things in Hind sight that I would have done if I knew when the end would come. They were all at the very end of his life though. I would have never started the radiation or at least have stopped it sooner once I saw what it was doing to him. As it was they went 1 more week than they originally planned. It ended on a Monday and he ended the following Friday. I would have also tried to get him a visit home at least one day when he was feeling well. Even though they said the pets would be bad for him.

Of course then there was the, I should have butted my big nose in sooner senario, when his symptoms were much worse than they should have been for a condition that took them 3 months to come up with and then were delaying another 1 1/2 months to start treatment.

What bothers me most now is the future things we were going to do, but will never now. Also, and this is probably selfish, but I was hoping for his help as I grew older since he had always been the healthier of the two of us.

[LindaG]

My husband had a full work up every year at his Cardiologist and General PC. Sometimes I run things thru my head and find things that should have concerned us more but nothing blatant - nothing that said I am dying now of heart disease. Did he have an accident that he did not or could not tell me about that created a clot, etc? The funeral home called me today to say the final autopsy was complete and a copy would be coming my way. Will it bring me peace to know the step by step analysis of his death? We know his heart gave out but where he died at work in Massachusetts a full autopsy had to be done in Boston. It's been a long wait and one I am not sure I can receive. My pour Joe - my only hope is that he went quickly and did not sustain extended pain, which is how those on the scene did describe it.

I've had another conversation with my Mother-in-Law and her raw emotion of Thanksgiving has settled. The insensitive have left her house and gone on with their lives. I have given the "Fruitcake" more thought and won't be sending it. Although he deserves it. It keeps this man in my life and I don't want that to happen. I had met a woman when I lived in Los Angeles who is a Personal Coach. She is now somewhat famous and published. I went to work with her as I was new in LA and a bit overwhelmed with a new house/job/city, etc. She told me to write down my support system. The "go to" people in my life. Then form a list of people who are close (family, friends) who do not support. She said let those people go. I did that and it opened me up to meeting Joe within the next year of living in LA. So instead of making horrible,impulsive decisions, I am re-reading her books and recalling her wise advice.

I'm just mentioning it as I caught myself, and maybe her advice to me may help some of you.

A little peace and prayers.

- Linda G