Go And Crash

[Mrs. B]

Good Evening Everyone, Sunday is over and I am sitting in my chair by my fake little fireplace. I have had new windows put in the house and have done my kitchen floor with my dads help and have had baseboard put up by my dad. Its not perfect but it is done after 13 years. It looks so nice. I does make me happy but at the same time i feel so guilty. I would have never had new window yet but it is being paid out of the insurance money from Ricks death. There wasnt a lot left after all the bills we had and back taxes were paid up. How can i be happy and feel guilty at the same time. He always wanted a real fireplace but this little heater thing is ok with me, even though he never liked them. I havent stopped doing things around the house since March. Its go go go and i think , no I know im wearing myself down. Im afraid to stop cause then Ill have to think and I dont like thinking about him not here cause we were supposed to be doing this and enjoying it together. My son is moving on and i will be here myself. Is it possible for me to miss rick and still be mad at him for leaving me. I know i am going to crash here soon. My work also keeps me busy and I do love going to cook for the little daycare kids. Its the nights. So hard. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope all have a good week ahead. Mrs.B

[LindaKoz]

Hi Mrs. B.

I understand exactly what you are saying. I guess that's the blessing of this forum. If I fill my life with activities and make sure I'm not home alone too often, then I don't have to let this grief catch up with me. Perhaps I can be one step ahead of it? But, I'm not sure it's healthy. My Spiritual Director asked me to read a book called "The Gift of the Red Bird" which was written by a young woman who lost her husband and her young daughter in a car accident. There are many lessons I am taking away from the book (and as I re-read it I'm sure there will be more), but one thing which immediately popped out is that if I take on too much during this time of grief, my body, soul, and mind will suffer the consequences. I don't have an answer on how to resolve this dilemma so I do the best that I can.

And, yes, it is possible to be happy and to feel guilty. Happens to me all of the time. And, yes, I miss Brian with all of my heart and soul but there are times when I am angry at him because he left me and this shattered all of our hopes and dreams. Just today I asked my son why Brian would leave me if he loved me so much. My rational side tells me there is absolutely no way that he wanted to leave me, that it was out of his control. But the irrational side seems to take over way too often. I guess that's what grief does.

Once again I wish that I had the magic words or formula which would heal all of our wounds. I wish I could waive a magic wand and make us all whole -- or even better bring our beloveds back to us. But, all I can offer is my continual love and my never-ending support. We are walking through shadows but at least we are not alone. I'm glad that you came here to vent tonight. I wish for you peace and healing, my friend. I wish this for all of us. Hugs from Pa.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

Mrs. B

I totally agree with everything Linda has said .... She has such a beautiful way of putting her thoughts into words. I do have times when I am happy but I also have times where I feel guilty and angry. I second guess myself all the time. My thoughts always return to the time we found out Pat was sick. Should I have noticed signs or should I have made him go to the doctor sooner. I will never know the answers to those questions. Deep down I know that I did everything I could but that doesn't stop me from asking "why". How could he leave me when this was supposed to be our time together. I get angry because I feel cheated out of this time of my life. I know he had no control over this. I know he wouldn't have left me if he didn't have to. I just have to believe that he is still with me and watching over and taking care of me in a different way.

I always feel so much better when I get on this forum. I feel such a connections to everyone here. Thanks for being there for me!

Take care,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

Thanks, Kat. Brian always told me that I should write a book one day . . . he thought I was a great writer. Maybe some day I'll write about this experience.

I thought of something else I wanted to add. As I spent some time talking about anger with my Pastoral Counselor, I mentioned that I'm not angry at God because I truly don't believe God took Brian out of my life -- it was an infection. I don't want to be angry at Brian because I know he thought he had the flu and didn't know how sick he really was. I try not to be angry at myself because when I am I'm using hindsight information that I didn't have at the time. So who / what am I angry at? I'm angry at the injustice of the whole situation. I'm angry at our humanness--at the fact that we are not always able to save our loved ones from diseases and tragedies. It helps me a bit to take the focus off the would haves, should haves which really just leave my mind spinning. I hope perhaps this helps just a bit.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[kath]

Dear Mrs. B,

I can understand the satisfaction along with the guilt. I went on a quest to finish all the projects Bob and I had ever talked about. As each one was checked off the list, I thought I would feel so much better having accomplished so much, but instead it was a painful reminder that he wasn't here to enjoy it, much less celebrate getting it done.

Insurance money was a definite Godsend and I would not have made it thus far without it. What didn't go to paying off bills covered our health insurance when I was unemployed. I still fall into the trap of working myself to the point of exhaustion. A counselor once explained something about children that I wonder if it would apply to adults too. She said if they have a certain habit, grief intensifies it. (For example: neatness, anger, perfectionism, etc.) I have always been a hard worker and without Bob to make me stop and take a break, I just continue to go until I can't anymore. And yes, I have even gotten angry at him for not being here to make me take it easy.

If you figure out the key to moderation, please let me know. Until then, I figure my body will tell me when it is time to slow down. Congratulations on finishing your floor and windows. I bet it looks real nice.

Kath

[Korina]

I anticipate feeling guilty. My parents are planning to move out here and we are planning to buy a place together. I really feel this will provide support for me with our little daughter (just turned 10 months yesterday!), and support for them, as well. Plus, it will be good for both them and their granddaughter to be close. However, this will mean moving out of our apartment. I am sure I will feel some degree of guilt when it finally comes down to it.

I also feel guilty because some things in my life are easier now that I am alone (and some stem from my inadequecies). sigh.

Korina