Hi. How Are You? Not Good? Well, Just Move On. Bye!

[emptyinside]

I feel like I'm disappointing people when they ask me how I'm doing. They drop in once in a blue moon and ask how I'm doing.

If the answer isn't "Great," they go, "You need to move on. Bye!"

I think I'm sending clear distress signals. I told them Thanksgiving was going to be rough, and it'd help heaps to have more people around because it's not like I can finish a turkey. HINT. Reply was to move on and "get back into the swing of life." How can I when people like you don't help me? I know you have to be independent and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but I could use someone holding my hand for a little while. At least around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year celebrations. A cousin was like, "We had this big dinner thing, it was fun." It didn't occur to them to invite me? Other people say, "Once you learn to not think so much about past bad things, you'll forget it and be fine." It's not so much the past bad memories and grief getting to me as the loneliness that comes from them. Why am I expected to do this alone?

[Boo Mayhew]

Em, I'm sorry that you're being made to feel this way. I really wish that your family and friends were a little more thoughtful - especially over the holidays.

It's not you, it's them

[jrm]

Hi Em, Steer clear of those insensitive people. They have no idea what we are going through. It's sometimes maddening. I can be feeling good and strong one day and just some little stress starts the ball rolling sometimes so it's so hard to stop crying. I've learned alot about people in the past 5 months. Lucky for me I still get calls from friends that want to let me do the talking. They listen. Sometimes they have no advice for me but then I guess I have to figure things out on my own. I find this site to be so helpful and we can emphathize with each other. I always welcome new thoughts and ideas on this grief journey. God Bless Judy

[Korina]

Ditto to the above.

Korina

[mlg]

I tried to send you a personal message but it said you couldn't receive any new messages. I hope that means lots of people are personally responding to you.

[Chai]

Dear Em,

I am so sorry to hear that these insensitive people are giving you such grief. Like Boo said, it is them, and not you. The best thing that I can think of to do is to try and avoid those insensitive people as much as possible, and be around those who understand. Of course, sometimes it is hard to know who are the right people. I myself have thought particular people were going to be good, sensitive listeners, but instead they surprised me with their quick getaways or empty advice, or "move on" sorts of comments.

When you do encounter this insensitivity, I think it is important to tell them how their comment made you feel. Not because you want to make them feel bad, but because you want them to try and understand you. If you let those comments slide with silence, then it makes you feel worser and weaker. At least, that has been my experience.

So even though it is awfully hard, my advice is to say, "Thank you for your comment, but I am feeling like I need some extra support right now, especially during the holidays. I would love to have some company during this difficult time. The next time you have one of those fun events, can I come?" Or maybe just a, "Thank you, but I'm actually feeling it will take me some time until I can get to that point. But I appreciate the good intentions behind your words."

As for when you do find sensitive people - grab them! Grab them and don't let go! Make sure they know that you need their help, and that you might need their listening ears and kind words again in the future. I have had a couple good instances where I was having a rough day and people were there, but I made the mistake of not letting them know that, I might need them again. Or I was just too shy to approach them again. So I got a couple good one-shots. But you want more than one-shots. You want people who you can turn to at seemingly random moments and say, "Can I talk to you? Can I sit with you?" and they will be there for you.

Fortunately, we also have this wonderful website to share. I am sorry that you are experiencing such an insensitive crowd, Em. It hurts even more when they are like that. They just don't understand! It makes one angry and sad all at once.

I wish you the best in your seeking better listeners and sensitives. Sorry I couldn't give more advice on how to find "the ones that fit." I've been hit-and-miss, myself.

take care,

Chai