Snow

[derby]

Yesterday we had a beautiful snow falling. I started out feeling hopeful and content. However, the longer the snow fell and covered the trees, the sadder I felt. It just slapped me in the face, the loss, the emptyness, the missing. For me the snow was a major trigger. My husband loved this time of year and especially the snow. I stood at my front door and just cried as I watched the beauty of it. How can something so beautful, be so sad at the same time? I don't like this journey at all. None of us do. I expect too much of myself at only 8 weeks out. We had a birthday dinner celebration for my son last night with family and he offered to cancel it, but it was important for me to enjoy his night, so I got myself ready and it was okay. I am sure those of you who got to see the first snowfall felt the way I did. Memories of hot chocolate, cookies and our loved ones sharing the sights of winter. Bittersweet. Very bittersweet. I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as we walk through this. Blessings, Debbie

[Boo Mayhew]

Derby, well done for going ahead with the birthday dinner, it is so easy to hide under the covers instead (as I have done many times) ... it snowed the morning of the day that my husband had his stroke, and we both loved the snow. It snowed after the funeral and hasn't since. I know that when I next see the snow I shall feel the way you did, and just hope that as more time has passed that I shall enjoy more of the sweet as opposed to the bitter. It is hard to experience anything for the first time after losing our loved ones because it makes it more real, it confirms to us that they are gone, but I do believe very strongly, that your husband was watching the snow with you, smiling at it and at you. Wishing you strength in your snowy days ahead,

xx

[Korina]

We all have different triggers. The hardest one for me, without, has been our daughter. I have always felt joy looking at her, combined with such sadness and longing to have Scott with me to experience her. Thankfully, though the sadness is still there, the joy has the front seat when it comes to her. Oh, also whenever I see anything about Hawaii - we got married there, and it was our favorite holiday destination.

I, too, am happy to hear you were able to celebrate your son's birthday with him. I think that for those of us with kids, being present for them is one important way we are able to get back to life. I know without a doubt in my heart that Scott would want me to be there for Kailyn and to make her happy, so that keeps me going forward (net forward, as with everyone, I have setbacks).

On another note, I will be glad to get over 2009 - it has been such a crappy year for so many people I know. I just noted today that the number 9 seems to have significance. In 1989, Scott and I started dating. In 1999, we got married. In 2009, Kailyn was born and Scott died. Hmmmm.

Korina

[derby]

Thank you so much Ladies for your kind replies. Somedays I feel strong, others not so much. Heard "Angels we have heard on high" today while writing thank you notes and totally feel apart. My sister's and I sang that song along with other songs that Dean loved to him shortly before he died. Couldn't believe the impact it had on me. My brother-in-law stopped in and I cried harder than I have through all this. I don't believe he was expecting that from me, but one can only be, what one can be and the closer Dean's Birthday gets and the closer Xmas gets, the more it is becoming a reality for me. I realize he is gone and not coming back this time. No more long hospital stays, with the hope of his recovery. No miracle for him, for us. I know he is with God, and I know I should be grateful and thankful that his pain is gone. But I miss him, I miss us. I miss my life before his death. We all miss our loved ones and never before did I realize how this difficult this journey would be. Not only for me, but for us all. Blessings to each of you. Debbie

[kath]

Dear Derby,

I have heard so many songs that speak of the lonliness of widows. It is something I'd never have paid attention to before. I believe people have lived like this since the beginning of time. Amazing when you think how little information is out there on how to deal with someone grieving.

Just tonight I received this email. It makes perfect sense to me...

True Meaning Of Christmas

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.

He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened up and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come in and sit by the space heater and warm up.

"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go." "Not without something hot in your belly," George said. He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done, there's coffee and it's fresh."

Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old '53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister, can you help me?" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing. George said as he turned away.

"But mister. Please help..." The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, take my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you've ever looked at, but she runs real good." George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office.

"Glad I gave 'em the truck. Their tires were shot, too. That 'ol truck has brand new..." George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The Thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.

George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, shoot, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.

As he was working, he heard shots being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me!" George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.

"Hey, they say duct tape can fix anything," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for the pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These oughta work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there. I'm gonna get you an ambulance." The phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car."

He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two-way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could've left me out there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than it is. Bullet passed right through ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time you're gonna be right as rain." George got up and poured a cup of coffee.. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city. Too bad I ain't got no donuts."

The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.

"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer. "Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt." The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!" The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now." He turned his attention to the young man.

"Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pea shooter away." George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week..."

George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can." He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."

The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry, officer." "Shut up and drink your coffee," the cop said. George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.

"Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer. "Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?" "GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran." George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "That guy work here?" the wounded cop continued. "Yep," George said. "Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job." The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?" Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything."

"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."

The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you." "And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need." George reached into the box again. An airplane, a car and a truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."

The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that too," George said. "Now git home to your family."

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good." "Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."

George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?" "I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?" "Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby."

The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself. That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."

George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man. "Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door.

"If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned." George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe.

A golden light began to fill the room. "You see, George... it's my birthday. Merry Christmas." George fell to his knees and replied, "Happy Birthday, Lord."

"What you do today, right now, will have an

accumulated effect on all your tomorrows."

Author Known To God

[LindaKoz]

We all have different triggers. The hardest one for me, without, has been our daughter. I have always felt joy looking at her, combined with such sadness and longing to have Scott with me to experience her. Thankfully, though the sadness is still there, the joy has the front seat when it comes to her. Oh, also whenever I see anything about Hawaii - we got married there, and it was our favorite holiday destination.

I, too, am happy to hear you were able to celebrate your son's birthday with him. I think that for those of us with kids, being present for them is one important way we are able to get back to life. I know without a doubt in my heart that Scott would want me to be there for Kailyn and to make her happy, so that keeps me going forward (net forward, as with everyone, I have setbacks).

On another note, I will be glad to get over 2009 - it has been such a crappy year for so many people I know. I just noted today that the number 9 seems to have significance. In 1989, Scott and I started dating. In 1999, we got married. In 2009, Kailyn was born and Scott died. Hmmmm.

Korina

(((Hugs)))

There are so many triggers and the holiday season is very difficult to face. All around us people are excited and joyful which magnifies our losses. I'm not playing Christmas music this year. I'm avoiding the mall and shopping areas which will be too hard for me to face.

Yesterday was a really rough day. Brian always bought me Willow Tree Angels for Christmas and for my birthday. I stopped at the Hallmark store to pick up a gift for his daughter's birthday and noticed an Angel I had never seen before. It's holding a butterfly. My first sign from Brian was a butterfly so I bought this new Angel for myself. The checkout girl was young and perky. She asked if I was buying it for a gift. I told her it was for myself but it took all of my strength not to fall apart right there. Brian should have been buying it for me for Christmas. Then today I got a call that I won the drawing for the Mary and Joseph figurines. I never win anything. I really think this was Brian's way of giving me a gift. I've decorated the top of our entertainment center with some lights, beads, a candle, the Angel with the butterflly and our picture. Now I can put Mary and Joseph there also. I'm glad Brian found a way to touch me but I'm also sad. Will life always be bittersweet?

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

I always think of Scott when I see butterflies. I had recently bought a new bathmat for the washroom that has butterflies on it, and Scott mentioned to me that he liked it.

Just today I started bawling as I was looking at a folder where I keep all of the cards, etc, from when Kailyn was born. Scott had written "Kailyn" on the outside, with a heart. Nothing makes me lose it like his handwriting.

Korina

[Korina]

Kath,

I LOVE this story! Thank you.

Korina

[Kat2005]

Kath,

What a beautiful story! Thanks for sharing.

Kat

[Jsph110]

I am sorry to hear that this snowfall aroused your memories and made you sad. 8 weeks is still a short time. when you start feeling sad again, just pm me.

-- Joseph.