Can I Really Get Through This?

[Susie Q]

Dear All

People say it takes time, but time is my enemy.

Seventeen weeks after his sudden death and I still don't believe it.

When reading your posts I just want to reply ditto to them all - difficulty with shopping, Christmas decorations yes/no, the cards addressed to only me, waking up on Christmas morning alone, no sleep, the empty bed, the constant feeling of despair, wanting to see and share with him so desperately, bouts of crying, up and down moods, the lack of meaning in anything previously important, the withdrawal from life ......etc

It seems that if we all loved deeply and we are all experiencing these things then they must be a natural part of loss and deep attachment but I wonder how/if I can get through it. I don't have thoughts of harming myself but the thought of being in this place long term is equally terrifying.

I just seem to be one big contradiction - I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be with people. He thought I was strong - but I don't feel it. I'm trying to keep a positive spirit because that is what he would want, but sometimes I just don't see how I'll get through a life without him.

This forum always helps me. Thanks for being there. I feel close to you all even though you are across the Atlantic.

I hope for better times for all of us soon... Susie Q

[derby]

Susie,

I honestly believe everything you are feeling is part of this journey. These past 2 days have hit me like a nothing else. I suppose we have to feel everything and try to process it and we will have bad days when everything just seems to be so very sad and hard. Days we would rather not face the world, days when we just don't know what we want. Its hard, but we will get through it, of that I am sure. Keep telling myself to slow down and allow the journey to lead me to where ever it is I need to be. Wishing you glimmers of hope. Blessings, Debbie

[Kat2005]

Susie,

I don't know what is going on with me right now. I have been having a really hard time lately. I know what you mean not wanting to be alone but on the otherhand not wanting to be social. I sit in the house alone and just think about how it used to be. I feel like I live my life in a "day dream" because that is all I do. I spend most of my days just thinking about the wonderful life we had and wishing it could be that way again. I don't know how I will get through this. Next week is going to be one of the hardest. Pat will be gone 6 months on the 23rd and his birthday is on the 28th.....not to mention the holidays on top of it.

For some reason the doubts are creeping back. Should I have seen the signs sooner, should I have gotten another opinion. It is terrible how our minds work. I guess we just want everthing to be back to the way it was. I know there will always be the pain of loss I just have to learn to control the pain and not let the pain control me.

I know I say this all the time but I am so grateful for everyone here. It is amazing how close I feel to all of you. I always feel so much better when I come here. Thanks for listening!

Kat

[kath]

I almost hate to admit this, but I totally "wasted" at least one year after Bob died. I read all the books he had read (that I didn't have time to read when he was alive and wanted to talk about) and spent countless hours thinking, crying, dazed and even at times playing Pool on my kids' GameBoys for hours on end. It was a way to zone out, because to imagine a life without him was inconceivable and the stress shut me down...completely. I cooked when I had to and got up and dressed every day to wake my children up for school, did the routines that had to get done, but the paperwork and the phone calls and the appointments took much longer. It was two years before I took his name off our bank account and just recently off his 401K. If it hadn't been for prayer groups and grocery shopping, I probably would not have left the house.

It was all about the baby steps. I made my lists and slowly, made my way through the tasks, but most definitely in my own time frame. I often said, if I was my own employee, I'd have fired me in the beginning. I was not productive. I was functioning...barely. My yard went to weeds, my house was never completely clean, many chores never started, much less done. And, even though today I am busy and active and involved, there are still some things untouched, clothes and memories in the same place, tears left to be shed. The world spins at an incredible pace when we mourn on the inside. It seems impossible to see past the hurt and the loss and the lonliness. So, when we say be gentle with yourself, please do. It means having patience and learning to understand that you can't be everything to everyone at this time, including yourself. I certainly did not live up to my own expectations. There are days I still don't. The big difference, I look forward to having another chance tomorrow.

[Maryo]

Hi Everyone,

I want to share something positive with everyone. It has been 17 months since my husband died on the 21st. I thought I was getting better then the crying and depression set in again.This week the cloud has lifted again and I am looking forward to the holidays once again. I am enjoying buying presents and can't wait to spend time with my family.

I know my grieving is not over but I am getting better.Now I am becoming my best friend.

Who knew. I thank God and my Husband when I have good days and ask them for many more.

Kath,

Your posting is very powerful and I love the part about having another chance tomorrow.Those words will give me and others hope for the future.

Mary Lou

[Korina]

Susie:

I remember specifically, shortly after Scott died, standing in the shower, sobbing, and really not caring whether I lived or died. Thankfully, that low point did not last. But I also remember saying to my mom sometime later, "How can I live the next 40 years without him? It is such a long time." That feeling is still with me, but I am lucky to find joy in our daughter, and a reason to live and grow old. I thank God and Scott for this. I guess what I am saying is that your words sound so familiar, but as time has passed (such an old wise one at 6 months...), some feelings have receded, some have reemerged - it is our reality. But I believe I have made net positive gains in moving forward. Missing him never goes away, and I don't want it to.

Korina

[Rochel]

Dear Friend Kat,

I know how you feel...I think God gives us the daydreaming otherwise, how could we get thru these terrible times...6 months and birthdays and Christmas it really sucks...sometimes, I just get mad which for me is better than sad...Before I lost Bob, I didn't display that much anger..little do we know what feelings lie beneath and the horrible crisises that bring those feelings to the surface....eventually I have to lose that attitude too and just wing it and give my feelings to God and He helps me pick myself up off the ground and start another grief cycle...The book that has been suggested here: "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can" is very good and it helped me identify all the stages that we have discussed here...and all the stages that are to come...At least on this forum when we tell eachother, "I know how you feel" we do know....the outsiders sure don't so that is another reason why I love this site...I have met some wonderful people here with big hearts and much encouragement...May you be blessed today...Rochel