Spitting Fire

[Babs11]

Hi, Sharon, Kat and Everyone,

I totally relate to your comments on Kat2005's - Not wanting to let go of 2009.

Approximately two weeks after my husband passed I was back at work and a co-worker came up and sat at my desk....

..As she was nodding her head at me she smiled and said, "SO ARE YOU BETTER"?.....

...As I was trying to process those words I suddenly felt like was in the exorcist movie and my head was going to start to spin around and around and fire was going to come spitting out of my mouth....

...I was thinking, "Are you kidding me"? "I don't even know where I have been for the last three weeks other than in some stupor and can't even comprehend how I got here today"????...

...so as I tried to compose my self I replied, "Oh yeah, I went down to the local Drug Store and picked me up some of those Grief stricken, Shock and Pain Pills, I doubled up on them so I can Kick Start the Feel Better Process" ...

(are you Kidding me)! Needless to say my co-worker did not speak to me for the rest of the day..So much for Hugs and Kisses...

..As the fire was going out around me I heard my Husbands "Roaring Laughter" and in my ear said, "Good one Babs, Good one". At least I made one person Happy that day!!!

..So Sharon, you are right...Lower the expectations of the people who don't get it or just can't..

and if all else fails...Just spin your head around and spit fire...that should eliminate any aggravating conversations for you...Good Luck!

Love and Peace,

Babs.

[Sharon3]

OMG Babs I think this is the first time I have laughed out loud rather than cry on this site..............I wish we could spit fire ....if I could the Fire Department would be pretty busy. It took me a while to learn the lesson...stay close to the people who get it or as a minimum want to get how they can help you and have a heart that understands to the degree that they can that greiving has no timetable. Thanks for your post....Sharon

[mrspapajohn]

Babs - - When I read your post, I wanted to yell "Good for you, girl! Give 'em hell!" Even after a year, maybe especially after a year, I still have a very hard time dealing with people who just don't get it. Now that my year is almost "up" even some of my most understanding friends are rolling their eyes and saying, "C'mon now. It's been a year,. Get with it." At this point, I am really trying to avoid those people. I can only feel sorry for them because they must never have experienced a love or a relationship like this. Well Babs, I just wanted to say, "Congratulations," and thank you for a post that made me laugh instead of cry.

Kathy

[Susie Q]

Babs

There are people that just have no idea. And sometimes black humour is the only response. You made me laugh too. Thank you.

I watched a women's panel on grieving that was referred to in another post on this site. One of the panel members said 'Nobody would ask a leg amputee after a few months " Are you over that leg thing yet?"

My most insensitive comment came three weeks after my husband's stroke when an acquaintance said to me "At least you are young enough to find somebody else". My response was "Do you think it would be too soon to move someone in next week?" She avoids me now - and I'm fine with that.

Our loss is invisible and insensitive people have moved on because their life is totally unaffected. What they don't understand is that as well as missing our loved one's presence, we are missing our whole life as we knew it. Every single aspect of it.

I didn't fully grasp the magnitude of despair that you feel before it happened to me. Having said that, I at least have had enough common sense and compassion in the past to be there for the long haul for others who had lost someone.

Edited January 5, 2010 by MartyT
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[Maryo]

Hi Everyone,

I don't think you can fully understand what a death of a loved one means until you have experienced it first hand.

For all the insensitive people one day they will realize that their comments or actions were inappropriate.

Thanks Babs for putting a smile on my face.

Mary Lou

[DeeGee]

"Our loss is invisible and insensitive people have moved on because their life is totally unaffected. What they don't understand is that as well as missing our loved one's presence, we are missing our whole life as we knew it. Every single aspect of it."

This really resonated with me. And I think many have lost a parent or a grandparent or even a sibling and while all of those are indeed also very painful losses, in many cases that particular loss does not affect your life as intensely as losing a spouse or significant other with whom you have built your entire life.

I love the fire-breathing scenario. And I wish there actually were some magical pills to take to make this go away.

DeeGee

[Sharon3]

I was thinking about this again and wanted to add what I have said when people start comparing their loss of a parent with me. I say I have lost a parent who I loved very much and miss every day.....then I add very aggressively "NO COMPARISON". It does shut them up...because I have experienced different losses. While I am willing to listen to them about their loss I don't want it compared to the loss of a spouse. I know someone whose husband passed away suddenly like mine, and someone actually talked to them about grieving because they had lost their pet....she isn't over that comment yet and her husband passed away 11 years ago.