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Push Yourself To Do It Or Not?


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I'm having a discussion (argument) with someone about this.

Do you think it's better to force yourself to face traumatic things they don't want to? For example, going back to the hospital where It happened, seeing the dead body even if you know you're not the type able to handle something like that (susceptible to flashbacks, etc.), going to a place that has memories to the lost person, etc.?

Someone I know thinks you should "grow up" and face them. Don't want to see the body? Force yourself. Don't ever want to return to a hospital where lots of bad memories are? Force yourself. She associates not being able to do these things as being childish. I take argument with that because I think people are very different. Some people can face these things and are better off doing it. Some people can't and they're worse off. It's nothing to do with maturity, in my opinion; it's a matter of someone's personality, and it shouldn't reflect negatively upon someone if he or she truly can't do it. (Of course, I know some people avoid things in a detrimental way, but that's another matter).

Thoughts? Thanks.

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Em,

Maybe you can explain to her that not oly is everybody different in what they can handle, but everybody's grief is different and at different times. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. That is the beauty of our uniqueness. Grief is an individual, personal journey. You can't force anyone to stop hurting by making them more upset or causing more distress. It has nothing to do with growing up. If someone is able to face certain things, that is what is right for them. If not, they aren't ready and that is exactly right for them.

Love you,

Kath

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To me you can associate it with "flight or fight"....I almost always choose flight...you need to do what is necessary for you to protect yourself. I wish I was the kind of person that could deal with and accept and live with the horror of death or other heartwrenching events but I can't and never have and though I beat myself up over the circumstances of my husbands death I can't change the circumstances and I can't change who I am.....do what is right for you and with what you can live with.

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I do not think this a maturity issue when it relates to death or trauma. It just depends on when that person is ready to "face" certain places or revisit some memories. "READY" being the operative word here. This is a process... not a race...nor something to be ignored.

When you are ready to go to a wake and see another dead body... you will. When you are ready to go back the hosptial or place where a loved one was very ill or passed away... you will. There is no timetable.

Tell your friend.. accepting & supporting where a person is at in their grief or trauma processing journey shows maturity. (And perhaps she/he might be lacking a teensy bit in this department???? :D )

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I think it is a very personal choice, and also depends on where you are at in the process. Obviously, in the case of viewing a body, the choice has to be made at that time. But when it comes to visiting places you can wait until another time, when you feel a bit stronger. I think it is probably best to err on the side of flight, than fight. Think of the case of a child whose parent has died. Seeing the body might very well leave lasting traumatic memories, and not be a healing experience. When my mother died two years ago, my brother and I chose to say goodbye to her at the wake, my father and sister did not. It was a personal choice, and I doubt whether that choice has greatly influenced where we are in our grieving.

Maybe the best thing is to simply not err to far to either side. I don't think it would be good to constantly immerse oneself in traumatic and sad reminders. Likewise, total avoidance of anything to do with grief/trauma events is not good either. Play it somewhere in the middle, that would be my advice.

Alden

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To me you can associate it with "flight or fight"....I almost always choose flight...you need to do what is necessary for you to protect yourself. I wish I was the kind of person that could deal with and accept and live with the horror of death or other heartwrenching events but I can't and never have and though I beat myself up over the circumstances of my husbands death I can't change the circumstances and I can't change who I am.....do what is right for you and with what you can live with.

Thanks for that, especially the "protect yourself" part. It is very important to do that. I'm so sorry you're still beating yourself up; I do the same. It's tough!

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Hi,

I needed to see it..Had to or no matter what would not believe it..My husband was to much of a strong force here and worked his way through Anything like a Bull...had to see it.

Love and Peace,

Babs

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